The Laughter and Tears That Only a Bad Flight Can Give You

So more people went to see Robin Williams ham it up in "RV" than endure "United 93." God bless this country. It goes to show two things - five years is the statute of limitations in this country for giving a shit about any type of crisis and there is not statute of limitations for enjoying Robin Williams, no matter how one note and shit-bally he has become.

I was one of the many, but not near enough, to go see "United 93" this weekend. Let me tell you, it is a laugh riot - if you're an Islamic extremist . . . . that doesn't stay for the last fifteen minutes. I will get to those last fifteen minutes shortly, first let me tell you about the only humorous part of the movie. That's right, if you listen closely midway through the film you can find something to laugh at. Amidst the panic after I believe both WTC towers had been hit it gets confirmed that a third airplane has been hijacked. Several FAA officials start talking over one another and one of them says something to the effect of "there's definitely a pattern here."

No shit sherlock.

I think I was the only one that caught it in the theatre and I almost let out a guffaw, but held it in. I am a tremendous asshole, but not that tremendous of an asshole. That being said, I did chuckle about the line for most of the night. It was a certain unintentionally funny comment and deserves to go down as one of the great lines in history.

As for those final fifteen minutes - holy shit. The entire focus of the final act is the heroic measures that the passenger of United 93 took to prevent the plane from reaching its desired destination aka Dubya's digs. To describe the actual effort by the passengers to overtake the plane as intense would be an understatement. It was quite honestly breathtaking. I would imagine that if you got lost in the moment you could actually say to yourself that these guys are going to do it. Of course, that does not happen and you soon find yourself immersed in darkness.

It is that point that I realized my heart was beating a mile a minute. It was also when I realized that pretty much everyone in the theatre except for me was crying. What can I say, I am a stoic motherfucker . . . unless you show me the ending of "Iron Giant."

For the past day I have been trying to decide whether this is a good movie or whether the emotional baggage it carries with it makes the movie good in some people's eyes. I am leaning toward the former. Emotions no doubt colored the film in everyone's eyes, but it does not take away from the fact that film was wonderfully executed. The actors, some of whom were actual participants on that day playing themselves (insert crass joke about the people on the plane here), all did an admirable job. Part of their allure was that they did not seem to be acting. I truly think people were reliving that day on the screen. No one is going to win an award for their work, but it was still top notch.

All in all you come out of the movie learning a little bit more about yourself. For instance, I learned I can watch the second plane go into the south tower while eating a handful of Reese's Pieces. I think that says a lot.

- MPH

Racing in Once More

Come May 1st my ass is in a world of hurt. Seriously, if the immigrants have their way, good ole' MPH will be going hungry on that day. I am sure many of, okay some, surely one of you former readers of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" has written a well thought out post about the pending "Day Without Immigrants." Given the liberal tilt that many of you have demonstrated in the past, I am sure your asses are all behind this fucking thing. I for one am not behind the idea - like I said, I will go hungry on that day as a result.

You see the fast food joints in my neighborhood are primarily staffed by those of a spicish quality. I am sorry, that was rude, what I meant to say was a likely undocumented spicish quality. This is why the tacos at my Taco Bell are so damn delicious. If these beaners decide to be lazy for an additional eight hours on May 1st then who the hell is going to cook and serve me food? It is a God damn travesty.

Thankfully my whole life won't fall to shit because certain people want to be treated like "people." My Latina maid fears me so much that there is no way that she going to refuse to come out of the crawlspace I house her in. My gardener likely won't show, but that's cool one of my meth kids just found Jesus and he is trying to repent for hooking so many school girls on the shit that he is mowing lawns for free. That includes mine. Yeah, it does not make sense to me either, but who am I to fuck with God's will?

I am probably shooting shit right now for no good reason. Odds are is that this "Day Without Immigrants" will be a bust. Many of the organizers are calling for these unwanted "Americans" to join in the event no matter the cost, i.e. ignore the fact that your ass will be out of a job. You would have to think that people smart enough to get through our tight borders will have no interest in losing that job they took from some sixteen year old pothead who would rather be playing videogames anyway. So I may be able to eat after all.

Since I am ranting about race, why don't I make the smooth transition to race and rape. With the arrest of two of the Duke lacrosse players for the alleged kidnapping and rape of a black stripper it is now clear that about this time next year Duke University will be in the midst of a race riot and be burnt to the ground. Some will call it "A Day With White, Rich, Young People Running for Their Fucking Lives."

Personally I thought that when it was disclosed that there was no conclusive DNA evidence we would be seeing a memior titled "And That's Why We Chose a Black Stripper" on the bookshelves by the start of Duke's fall semester. So I was off by about seven months. These two or three players may be innocent, but I think they should really take one for the team and plead guilty. Nothing good can come from them buying a win with their high priced lawyers and experts. If this goes to trial I am definitely dropping my stock in any retail store that may be located in Durham, NC and investing in fire hoses and german shepard breeding companies.

By the way, has any trademarked "The Cameron Rapies" yet?

So I have just demonstrated that I am scared of people of a different race running away from me for a day and two races decided to get their clash on again for like the ten billionth time. But these two things pale in comparision to this statement:

"I'm the decider and I decide what's best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." - Dubya.

If that doesn't tighten your asshole to the point of prostate explosion then I don't know what can.

Alright, I am finally tired and not nearly bored enough to continue. I may be back some time or I may not. You fools keep checking in anyway.

- MPH

Only Gay Cowboy Love Could Bring Me Back . . . . An Oscar Review

Hello . . . my name is MPH and this is a blog that I lovingly refer to as "Heightened Thoughts." Uh, I am sort of new at this thing, but I thought it would be funny to review the Oscars before they actually started. For those faint of heart please note this blog will contain cursing, animal semen, and the slightest allusions to Mexican children being sold into slavery.

Uh, let me just thank you very, very, very, very much for visiting my blog and I look forward to entertaining all you folks in the future. I have a lot to say and no forum to say it (those "blacks" tend to shoot at you when you say nasty things about them in "their hood"). Also, my mom hates when I cuss so this is for her: FUCK!

That was liberating. But enough about my mommy issues, lets get this review over with so that I can think up new and fun things to write about and entertain you with.

Seeing as how this is the year of the fruit, I think it was really sweet that Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers tongued one another's fake breasts during their pre-game interview with David Straithairn.

You have to respect the balls on Jon Stewart . . . literally. I mean, to whip out his dick, spit in his hand, rub said dick, then fuck a life sized Oscar statute rather than do a tired song medley was really risky. But I think it will keep the viewers watching.

And the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role goes to that chick that Jim dated up until the booze cruise when he fucked up and did not tell Pam that he loved her only to tell Michael who then went on to blab it to everyone and forced him to go to Austrailia on the weekend of Pam's wedding. Poor Jim.

There was only one word for the "Wallace and Gromit" send up of the VP Roboto hunting accident - transcendent.

Why is it that every time "Brokeback Mountain" is mentioned they immediately cut to the scene where Anne Hathaway busts out those tremendous breasts?

You know, after hearing the song I would have to agree, it is hard out there for a pimp.

But do you know who it is harder for, all those lilly white hollywood stars who are now scared shitless.

What's better than "March of the Penquins" winning best documentary, that fucking nut from Murderball running him down with his kick ass wheelchair and they waddled to the podium.

I thought Matt Dillon's speech handled the issue of race as well as "Crash" did. Here's a transcript for those that may want to use it as a signature for your email:

"My movie had negroes, spics, slant eyes, and sand negroes all of whom acted real well despite their obvious deficiencies. No queers though, only think worse than a colored is a gay. Thankfully, though the Academy only sought fit to nominate the strongest white male in the cast. Let that be a message to all you people of color. You will never have any power . . . and by the way, there is no way I would save you from a burning car after diddling you. White power! Dillon out!"

Shortly thereafter Don Cheadle taught Dillon that is hard out there for an actor who's been curbed.

Btw, Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to win Best Supporting Actor, but it was discovered that he was going to say, "Ang Lee, I don't know how to quit you" and unfortunately got into an accident while changing his tire on the way to the Oscars and drowned on his own blood.

It's nice to see that Marie Bello wore that nifty cheerleading outfit as her Oscar dress.

How can you not win by original screenplay when wiping semen on books is a plot point?

Ease up Terrance Howard, Dubya is a decent president, Jon Stewart was just making a joke - it's not like he's waving at HurKat refugees from a low flying Air Force One.

All right, now that we got Reese's hot little ass off the stage we can start the conga line of man love acclaimation.

And Best Director goes to . . . "Ang . . . wait he ruined "The Hulk . . . uh, what I meant to say was Angelic actor, writer, producer, and director George Clooney."

Was it really necessary for Phillip Seymour Hoffman make the crowd go through that whole "hey . . .ho" thing again?

When winning Best Movie, do not have your lead actor give the thank yous in character. Heath, kiddo, I could not understand a word you said, it was if you were trying to talk with testicles in your mouth.

I think that is a good place to end. I hope you all enjoyed this blog and I hope that you will come back again real soon so that we can continue this grand adventure.

- MPH

Going . . . Going . . . Going . . .

I could not think of anything more appropriate than my picture mysteriously changing from Mark Harmon to Angie Harmon on this the last post to grace the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." You can look at it two ways, one that I am castrating myself by ending things now while I still have a small but loyal fanbase or two, that I must have started menstrating because only a woman would make such a rash decision.

I picked a hell of a day to go out. Politicians are facing their worst fear, a pussy ass rat with way too much inside information, cheerleaders are getting injured more and more, and the world is reminding that people are still stupid enough to still go into large holes that might collapse for ore. I almost feel compelled to make further snarky remarks about each, but then that would just take away from the focus of today's final post - good ole' MPH.

At this point you people should be giving me like my tenth time consuming standing ovation. Though I could do without Pops sobbing like a little bitch.

I think I will bow out by surprising you folks a bit . . . yep, I am going to be gracious. Much love to "The Band" for idolizing me for a little over a year. Sure I at one time or another kicked you all out, but you guys were a lot like my meth kids, too stupid to figure out how to open the door that would allow you to be free of me. Really people, I went on and on about robot alien hybrids . . . who the fuck sits through that?

I should also thank Jennifer Garner for not having me arrested. I would also like to thank Amy Acker for only pressing the taser trigger once. That was sweet. Mad props to Dubya and his cronies for making this whole venture worthwhile. Without them dumbfucks I would have only had a week worth of material.

Finally, I would like to thank myself. I am great, awesome, and whole heartedly kick ass. I can only hope that I have corrupted the rest of you and that you will continue on in my image - sort of like neo-Hilter youth.

Invoking Hitler, that's how all things should end.

I'm out.

- MPH

A Post Named Clipper

How do you underwhelm the masses eagerly anticipating your kick ass send off? Post shit they have already read . . . . plus a surprise or two. That's right, there's going to be new material in this here clip show. I have also provided you with recommended reading so that you're properly wet when tomorrow arrives. Enjoy.

“Sirs, in case you are unaware, 'rile the democrats' is another way to say he has women fornicating with donkeys.” – How Come All Scandals End in Gate?

“I come from a town famed for its racism, though meth labs catching up as its new shameful blot, and unlike my neighbors I decided to rise above using derogatory terms when it comes to race. I find it is something people have a lot of pride in and insulting it will only get me shanked or shot - because that is what those people do when they are not mowing my lawn and tending to my pool.” – What No Tomato Crack?

“Is it just me or does knowing that Winnie Cooper thought Kevin Arnold was like her little brother make that kiss they had in the classic first episode even hotter?” – What Would You Do If I Denied You the Pill, Would You Stand Up and Walk Out on Me?

"Welcome to Heightened Thoughts, the only blog in existence where the readers will have more issues with your obsession with Jennifer Garner than the fact that you stated dying children should not be granted wishes." – Suicidal Strippers Drinking Rum

"Do you want to know the greatest benefit of becoming both extremely devout and conservative? The whores. Illegal love is at its best when your views are extremely narrowed." – I Heart George W. Bush

"Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." – I Fought the Law

"I saw an ad for a new lid for Kraft mayonaise that is bigger and clips shut. My first thought: now sickos have more room to get their cocks in there." – Linear Thought?

"By cuss words, I mean: fuck, motherfuck, motherfucker, fucking fuck, fuck a dog, shit, shit head, shit bag bitch, bitch ass, bitch ass motherfucker, damn, damn bitch ass, damn bitch ass motherfucker, bastard, bastard covered bastard, ass, asshole, ass munch, ass hat, ass monger, cock, cocksucker, cocksucking motherfucker, hell, hell fuck no, hell fuck yeah, and cunt (which up until today has never been used)." – This I Swear

"When I was a very tall young lad I always dreamed that when I died a black man in a cowboy hat would serenade me while scantily clad women cavort about. There would be burgers on trees and women carrying buckets of ranch dressing without the hint of pornorific irony. The only thing that was missing was monkeys in three piece suits waltzing." – Happiness is Chicken and Ranch Dressing On a Bun

"The business of being me and the depression, you, my lovely readers, have caused because you can't seem to appreciate Mark fucking Harmon the way I do means that you'll only be getting shit instead of jack shit at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" today." - Headliners?

"However, not even the musical genius behind "Tired of Being Alone" could do shit for me - that's when I turned to opiates. Not just any opiate either, according to my dealer when I took the stuff I was to experience a feeling akin to a 'Muppet rubbing my scrotum.'" - Bring the Pain

"Despite what I just said about the very much alive Lee Marvin, I seriously doubt my bag full of tired jokes has anything to do with it. You all love Jennifer Garner references. Everybody give me an Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhbama on that ass spewage. In fact you love them so much I expect Jesus to crawl out that womb and deliver me a pizza any minute now." - More Hesseman!!!!

"This week I am still snorting up the glory that is being able to invoke Benji and autoerotic asphixiation in the same post." - A Burning Love

"Masturbating to the theme of "Growing Pains" won't help Tracy Gold gain back all that weight she had when the series was at the height of its popularity." - This Post is Not About Cats With Opposable Thumbs

"But think about it people, Tigger was flamboyant as fuck and really like to pound his own ass if the opportunity was present. Piglet was a small, pink little pig. If you are still say "what the fuck" then you're obvious too re-[censored by the With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] too ever get what I am saying. Tigger and Piglet were rainbowy icons who candles were snuffed out far too soon. Sure, they'll likely get new people to voice the characters, but don't be surprised if Tigger now sounds like Mr. T. and Piglet like Tim Allen." - Poohing on a Dream

"Haven't these kids heard of spinning around a whole lot or masturbating? I recall both creating a pretty decent natural high. I do not believe you can die from either of these two things unless you do them in the back of a pick up truck." - Air, The New Anti-Drug

"Knowing that it is about to die a horrible death between a tire and Sydney's vagina and ass, the left testicle musters the will to shoot off one more load to keep the whatever "Vaughn's" family name really is alive. So the load is shot and thankfully Sydney is at her most fertile. Their DNA start dancing and next thing you know there's a bun in the oven." - The Last Post About Jennifer Garner . . . Before "Heightened Thoughts" Goes All Year Two and Stuff

"One of the cheerleaders was later heard saying "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." She was promptly shot by police it what was billed a clean shoot before one bullet was fired. The unnecessary carange provoked another cheerleader to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." - What That Dog Did . . . Just Ain't Human

"I don't feel up to continuing to make light of the situation, so I will close by saying that Heightened Jesus, Inc. will be making a donation to help the soon to be struggling people of the area regain a sense of stability again. That's right, we're donating all the beads we purchased during a post Fat Tuesday sale last year to the city so that Mardi Gras is a little less depressing next year." - Show Us Your Tidals

"After watching the news for the past several days and wasting about two hours either displaying sympathy for or bitching about this whole hurricane thing, I decided the best thing for me to do on this Labor Day weekend was to drive down to New Orleans and be as big as impediment as possible. Not that I really want to be an impediment, but come on what good can I really do down there? I am certainly not going to let others climb up on me to avoid rising waters." - Live From New Orleans It's . . . . Water . . . Lots and Lots of Water

"Miss me? I would love to say that I missed you, but that would be disrespectful to the attention I gave all those whores." - Good Thing Nothing's Happened Since Friday

"I honestly don't know what to say. I thought that he had that word stricken from the English language the moment he took office. I thought he had "I didn't do it" tatooed on his ass right under "Freedom is on the march." Seriously folks, am I dreaming? Did the Prez just say "my bad"?" - What I Meant By One More Time Was . .

"Now the article had all kind of stuff about the survey that was sciencey and shit, but what you really need to know is that some of these women are referred to as LUG's aka "lesbians until graduation." Why do you need to know this? Well because the term is awesome." - On The Fourth Day You Get Lesbians

"Bell's your obvious winner unless they give it to the black people singing "Moving On Up" to make up for the mistakes made during Hurricane Katrina." - It's Never Too Early to Review the Emmy Awards

"Lets start off with the big story from last week, Hurricane Rita. Did anyone else get the impression that Rita was just like sister of an abused woman vying for the attention of her parents who are caring a little too much for Ms. "Took a Left Hook and Got Her Jaw Broken"? Really it was pretty pathetic and it took our journalist away from numerous opportunities to exploit the plight of HurKat survivors. For shame Rita, for shame." - The Week That Was . . . Last Week

"Apparently we are due for or already overdue for another pandemic one that will make the great flu outbreak of 1918 look like a fraternity circle jerk on a large cookie." - One Flu in a Cuckoo's Nest

"This is the beauty of blogging people . . . where else can you find a paragraph that references Rosa Parks, erections, and "Spring Break Shark Attack"? That's right, only at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." - Seat's Taken

"One fellow cheerleader who witnessed the event had this to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phones and keys. This is what lesbianism has wrought." - Give Me A V

"After being politically castrated over the past few months, the Prez is efforting to get his balls back by going into full "listen fucker" mode." - Rubber and Glue

"While I shouldn't speak about the rest of Colvin's body of work because I haven't seen him in anything else, I am going to proclaim him the greatest actor of a generation . . . that generation being children born in 1977 who died in car accidents and the like by 1982." - The December 8th Hangover is the Worst

"Speaking of respect and 9/11, I had a gut punch experience yesterday. ABC announced the participants for the second edition of "Dancing With the Stars" and among those that will be hoofing it is Jerry Rice aka my favorite football player of all time. I wish I could describe to you how I felt when I heard this news . . . . it was somwhere between how a proud Confederate soldier would feel if he found out his great grandpappy was black and watching "Blossom." There are not enough tears." - This Post is About Dancing With the Stars . . . . I'm Sorry

So you're probably asking, where's the new material. There is none. I just wanted you to read this damn post. I kill myself tomorrow.

- MPH

Movies to Enjoy Thinking About While on the Crapper - 2005

Unfortunately I do not have a very long intro for this post. I do want to give a tip of the hat to HFB for showing her own fucked version of love in her most recent post. I did not expect much from her, but I do expect some Labbie quality shit from other people. Making my disbanding "The Band" better than the "Last Waltz" fuckers.

A couple of caveats before I get into the Top Ten Movies of the Year. The two best films that I saw this year were actually released in 2004 but did not make it to Indiana until early 2005. Those two films were "Million Dollar Baby" and "Hotel Rwanda." Had they been on the 2004 list they would have been ranked second and third respectively - "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind" is still the best movie of 2004.

This year I actually saw 95% of the movies that I wanted to see. The only ones that have eluded me are "Munich" and "Brokeback Mountain." I planned on seeing "Munich" this past Monday but it was sold out at the theatre that I went to . . . . Christians must have wanted to see those Jews slaughtered for killing their Christ. The other film, "Brokeback Mountain" actually began showing in Indy today, but I have a couple of rules I must adhere to before seeing it. One, I must be with someone else. Two, that someone else must have a vagina. I can't image either film not making my ultimate list once I see them though.

But enough of that, let's go out to the movies.

Top Ten Films of 2005

1) Crash

Over the years there have been better intertwining storyline movies made, but few have been this emotionally charged. Each actor involved in the project rise above the overall plot, which was good, but not great. Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton are particularly effective. You leave the movie uncomfortable, but also thinking and that's a good thing.

2) Good Night, and Good Luck

George Clooney effectively wrote, directed, and co-starred in the best political movie of the year. Utilizing the absurdity of the McCarthy era, he makes a wonderful statement about the world today. He also shows journalists the true meaning of having balls. While many of the characters were underdrawn, the actors rise above it once again.

3) A History of Violence

This was the most intense film of the year in many senses. It has a suspenseful charge, a violent charge, and an erotic charge. All three mixed together and created something rather combustible. David Croenberg utilized the slow burn excellently and provided some of the more gruesome violents acts that I have seen in the theatre.

4) The 40 Year Old Virgin

Of all the films that I saw this year, this one may be the most consistent from beginning to end. It was definitely the funniest movie I saw this year (full disclosure: it was the only outright comedy I saw this year). Steve Carrell is nothing but funny and he proved that he could carry a film. The supporting cast was also great. No film ended better than this one either.

5) Serenity

I am a Whedonite through and through. I was a little nervous that he would not deliver with his first feature but I was wrong. This is the movie that Episode III shoud've been. It had the right mixture of action, humor, and tragedy. Unfortunately no one but hardcore fans went to see it and that fucks any plans for making this vehicle a franchise.

6) King Kong

This movie should have been number one and it would've been if it were about forty-five minutes shorter. That being said, while I was watching it, I did not feel like I had sat there for three hours because I was into the movie, but I could tell that I had been there a long time. The film is visually stunning and the action sequences were terrific. Naomi Watts did a fantastic job emoting while basically looking at nothing but a blue screen.

7) Constant Gardener

Another very politically charged film that was really carried by the acting. Somebody remind Rachel Weisz was revealatory. But the movies is really carried by Ralph Fiennes and he does a superb job. It's a tragic tale that should get some Oscar noms, but right now it looks like it might get lost in the pack.

8) Batman Begins

All is forgiven. The movie industry spent years rogering the legacy of Batman with horrible movie after horrible movie (meaning every one but the first in '89). Then Chris Nolan got his hands on the badass and returned the franchise to its past glory. The best part of the film is Gary Oldman playing the straight man. I didn't know this guy knew how to act normal.

9) Cinderella Man

This movie is really all about the acting. The plot is rather standard, but Russell Crowe, Rene Zelleweger and Paul Giamatti and great. Ron Howard also did a great job capturing the art of boxing. Most movies fuck that up, but he went all Scorcese and Mann on us and got it right.

10) The Squid & The Whale

One of my favorite movies is Noah Bombach's debut "Kicking and Screaming" (no, not the Will Ferrell abortion that was released last spring). I have been waiting for quite some time for Bombauch to recapture the magic of that film and he did it here. All the actors are great in this flick and I love how the end provides you with squat for closure.

Honorable Mention

Layer Cake
Broken Flowers

Monday I will have a clip show to get your asses prepped for the big finale on Tuesday.

- MPH

Shows to Enjoy While On the Crapper - 2005

Well Blogger is certainly making this "retirement" shit a whole lot easier. Before I give you a well informed list of the best television shows of the year, I need to get some house cleaning done.

First, it would appear that "Ask Blog Jesus" died a bit prematurely. I don't know what the fuck happened, but I can tell you that I did not pull the cite early. I was really looking forward to the last round of questions - meaning I was really going to fuck people up with my answers. It appears though that I will be unable to bring that joy to you fuckers. I spent a good portion of last evening trying to figure what the fuck was going on to no avail. I could create a one day only new Blog Jesus site but I don't have the injury. Unfortunately Blog Jesus won't be going out as a bastard . . . instead he's going out like a little bitch.

Speaking of little bitches, big ups to Labbie for his terrific post honoring the king shit of fuck mountain, good ole' MPH. Due to all my blogging issues yesterday I was unable to comment on the post both on his blog and on this blog. I would like to say that I was moved by the post but everyone knows that I am deliriously emotionaless robot. I know that some of you folks know how to love and I do recommend that you show Labbie some love for his fine work.

I would also suggest that you folks start thinking of similar posts for next Tuesday because I have decided that January 3, 2006 is when the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" will take its final bow. I know this is a bit earlier than I promised, but who the fuck expected me to actually keep that promises.

Alright, now that I have evacuated my mental bowels its time to tell you kids what the best television shows of 2005 were.

Best TV Shows of 2005

1) Lost

If you're one of those bitches that complain that the plot is too complicated or that the show runners have no fucking clue what they are doing I ask that you please die in the woods so that wolves can eat you and have their way with you in various other ways. Dollar for dollar this is the best drama on television. It packs equal amounts of thrills, emotion, and mystery into each episode. While I am intrgued by the mysteries the show keeps producing, I am also intrigued by the characters. All of the actors are great in their roles and some do way too much with very limited time (Sun and Jin). It's a hell of a ride and I plan on enjoying it for years to come.

2) 24

One of my complaints about this show in the past is that it usually hits a lull about midway into the season and you lose some interest in it as a result. That was the past. This past season punched you in the stomach from the very beginning and kept punching and kicking your ass for twenty-four straight hours. The twists and turns were pitch perfect and it had the best season finale of all shows last May.

3) Arrested Development

I know that some of you fuckers that are reading this are partially to blame for the imminent demise of this hilarious ass show. In a way I hate you, but in another way I just want to thank you. Because everyone on the show know that is likely on its last legs they have stopped giving a fuck about what others think and have just produced good comedy. There are no boundaries any more and that is what will make this show fantastic to watch for the remainder of its episodes.

4) Battlestar Galactica

This show should not have worked. A remake of a bad '70's sci-fi show that starred Edward James Olmos. Who in the hell would watch that? People that like gritty, intense drama, that's who. There are few sunny days in space especially when you're being hunted by robots and this show makes sure that its viewers feel their characters pain.

5) Entourage

No show, with the exception of Grey's Anatomy, matured more in it's second season. I didn't give a shit about any of the main four characters last year, but now I do. And Jeremey fucking Piven grabbed the ball and ran with it this year. He was the best thing about the show last year and he stepped up this year along with the show itself.

6) Veronica Mars

Regretably I did not get into this show until this past summer. I am now trying to atone for that mistake by catching missed episodes of this series on DVD. This is the best written show of the ten that I listed. The dialouge and banter between the characters in terrific. The show also has a real heart which allows it to raise above the generic Nancy Drew premise.

7) The Shield

This show became extremely interesting this season for two reasons: Glenn Close and the evolution of the characters. Close decided to slum it on TV for a bit and devilered a knock out performance. The main characters, Vic Mackey and his squad, played it straight for most of the year and only strayed when necessary. This allowed all the actors to be more than one note bad cops as they had in previous seasons. The evolution apparently continues next season and I look forward to watching it.

8) The Office

The most polarizing show on television at this time. For every person that loves the show there is another that fucking hates the show. I think it is a brillant comedy that has gotten remarkedly better since last Spring. The best components of the show are Jim and Pam's relationship and all the supporting cast that make up the rest of the office. Each episode they shine brightest.

9) House

I actually just finished watching the first season of this show on DVD and it made me appreciate the brillant performance of Hugh Laurie even more. He gets to play the saint and the sinner all at once and you can tell he is having a ball. The cast make this show so much more than a medical mystery and I love that they are exploring more and more of their outside lives.

10) Deadwood

Oh how I love long cocksucking monolouges that probably have some deep meaning. This fucking show is the shit. Where else are you going to see a bad ass like Ian McShane suffer through a kidney stone and talke to an Indians head in a box?

Honorable Mention

Grey's Anatomy
Rescue Me
My Name is Earl
CSI
Everybody Hates Chris
The Daily Show
Without a Trace
Invasion
Scrubs

And we'll end the week with movies.

- MPH