How do you underwhelm the masses eagerly anticipating your kick ass send off? Post shit they have already read . . . . plus a surprise or two. That's right, there's going to be new material in this here clip show. I have also provided you with recommended reading so that you're properly wet when tomorrow arrives. Enjoy.
“Sirs, in case you are unaware, 'rile the democrats' is another way to say he has women fornicating with donkeys.” – How Come All Scandals End in Gate?
“I come from a town famed for its racism, though meth labs catching up as its new shameful blot, and unlike my neighbors I decided to rise above using derogatory terms when it comes to race. I find it is something people have a lot of pride in and insulting it will only get me shanked or shot - because that is what those people do when they are not mowing my lawn and tending to my pool.” – What No Tomato Crack?
“Is it just me or does knowing that Winnie Cooper thought Kevin Arnold was like her little brother make that kiss they had in the classic first episode even hotter?” – What Would You Do If I Denied You the Pill, Would You Stand Up and Walk Out on Me?
"Welcome to Heightened Thoughts, the only blog in existence where the readers will have more issues with your obsession with Jennifer Garner than the fact that you stated dying children should not be granted wishes." – Suicidal Strippers Drinking Rum
"Do you want to know the greatest benefit of becoming both extremely devout and conservative? The whores. Illegal love is at its best when your views are extremely narrowed." – I Heart George W. Bush
"Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." – I Fought the Law
"I saw an ad for a new lid for Kraft mayonaise that is bigger and clips shut. My first thought: now sickos have more room to get their cocks in there." – Linear Thought?
"By cuss words, I mean: fuck, motherfuck, motherfucker, fucking fuck, fuck a dog, shit, shit head, shit bag bitch, bitch ass, bitch ass motherfucker, damn, damn bitch ass, damn bitch ass motherfucker, bastard, bastard covered bastard, ass, asshole, ass munch, ass hat, ass monger, cock, cocksucker, cocksucking motherfucker, hell, hell fuck no, hell fuck yeah, and cunt (which up until today has never been used)." – This I Swear
"When I was a very tall young lad I always dreamed that when I died a black man in a cowboy hat would serenade me while scantily clad women cavort about. There would be burgers on trees and women carrying buckets of ranch dressing without the hint of pornorific irony. The only thing that was missing was monkeys in three piece suits waltzing." – Happiness is Chicken and Ranch Dressing On a Bun
"The business of being me and the depression, you, my lovely readers, have caused because you can't seem to appreciate Mark fucking Harmon the way I do means that you'll only be getting shit instead of jack shit at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" today." - Headliners?
"However, not even the musical genius behind "Tired of Being Alone" could do shit for me - that's when I turned to opiates. Not just any opiate either, according to my dealer when I took the stuff I was to experience a feeling akin to a 'Muppet rubbing my scrotum.'" - Bring the Pain
"Despite what I just said about the very much alive Lee Marvin, I seriously doubt my bag full of tired jokes has anything to do with it. You all love Jennifer Garner references. Everybody give me an Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhbama on that ass spewage. In fact you love them so much I expect Jesus to crawl out that womb and deliver me a pizza any minute now." - More Hesseman!!!!
"This week I am still snorting up the glory that is being able to invoke Benji and autoerotic asphixiation in the same post." - A Burning Love
"Masturbating to the theme of "Growing Pains" won't help Tracy Gold gain back all that weight she had when the series was at the height of its popularity." - This Post is Not About Cats With Opposable Thumbs
"But think about it people, Tigger was flamboyant as fuck and really like to pound his own ass if the opportunity was present. Piglet was a small, pink little pig. If you are still say "what the fuck" then you're obvious too re-[censored by the With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] too ever get what I am saying. Tigger and Piglet were rainbowy icons who candles were snuffed out far too soon. Sure, they'll likely get new people to voice the characters, but don't be surprised if Tigger now sounds like Mr. T. and Piglet like Tim Allen." - Poohing on a Dream
"Haven't these kids heard of spinning around a whole lot or masturbating? I recall both creating a pretty decent natural high. I do not believe you can die from either of these two things unless you do them in the back of a pick up truck." - Air, The New Anti-Drug
"Knowing that it is about to die a horrible death between a tire and Sydney's vagina and ass, the left testicle musters the will to shoot off one more load to keep the whatever "Vaughn's" family name really is alive. So the load is shot and thankfully Sydney is at her most fertile. Their DNA start dancing and next thing you know there's a bun in the oven." - The Last Post About Jennifer Garner . . . Before "Heightened Thoughts" Goes All Year Two and Stuff
"One of the cheerleaders was later heard saying "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." She was promptly shot by police it what was billed a clean shoot before one bullet was fired. The unnecessary carange provoked another cheerleader to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." - What That Dog Did . . . Just Ain't Human
"I don't feel up to continuing to make light of the situation, so I will close by saying that Heightened Jesus, Inc. will be making a donation to help the soon to be struggling people of the area regain a sense of stability again. That's right, we're donating all the beads we purchased during a post Fat Tuesday sale last year to the city so that Mardi Gras is a little less depressing next year." - Show Us Your Tidals
"After watching the news for the past several days and wasting about two hours either displaying sympathy for or bitching about this whole hurricane thing, I decided the best thing for me to do on this Labor Day weekend was to drive down to New Orleans and be as big as impediment as possible. Not that I really want to be an impediment, but come on what good can I really do down there? I am certainly not going to let others climb up on me to avoid rising waters." - Live From New Orleans It's . . . . Water . . . Lots and Lots of Water
"Miss me? I would love to say that I missed you, but that would be disrespectful to the attention I gave all those whores." - Good Thing Nothing's Happened Since Friday
"I honestly don't know what to say. I thought that he had that word stricken from the English language the moment he took office. I thought he had "I didn't do it" tatooed on his ass right under "Freedom is on the march." Seriously folks, am I dreaming? Did the Prez just say "my bad"?" - What I Meant By One More Time Was . .
"Now the article had all kind of stuff about the survey that was sciencey and shit, but what you really need to know is that some of these women are referred to as LUG's aka "lesbians until graduation." Why do you need to know this? Well because the term is awesome." - On The Fourth Day You Get Lesbians
"Bell's your obvious winner unless they give it to the black people singing "Moving On Up" to make up for the mistakes made during Hurricane Katrina." - It's Never Too Early to Review the Emmy Awards
"Lets start off with the big story from last week, Hurricane Rita. Did anyone else get the impression that Rita was just like sister of an abused woman vying for the attention of her parents who are caring a little too much for Ms. "Took a Left Hook and Got Her Jaw Broken"? Really it was pretty pathetic and it took our journalist away from numerous opportunities to exploit the plight of HurKat survivors. For shame Rita, for shame." - The Week That Was . . . Last Week
"Apparently we are due for or already overdue for another pandemic one that will make the great flu outbreak of 1918 look like a fraternity circle jerk on a large cookie." - One Flu in a Cuckoo's Nest
"This is the beauty of blogging people . . . where else can you find a paragraph that references Rosa Parks, erections, and "Spring Break Shark Attack"? That's right, only at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." - Seat's Taken
"One fellow cheerleader who witnessed the event had this to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phones and keys. This is what lesbianism has wrought." - Give Me A V
"After being politically castrated over the past few months, the Prez is efforting to get his balls back by going into full "listen fucker" mode." - Rubber and Glue
"While I shouldn't speak about the rest of Colvin's body of work because I haven't seen him in anything else, I am going to proclaim him the greatest actor of a generation . . . that generation being children born in 1977 who died in car accidents and the like by 1982." - The December 8th Hangover is the Worst
"Speaking of respect and 9/11, I had a gut punch experience yesterday. ABC announced the participants for the second edition of "Dancing With the Stars" and among those that will be hoofing it is Jerry Rice aka my favorite football player of all time. I wish I could describe to you how I felt when I heard this news . . . . it was somwhere between how a proud Confederate soldier would feel if he found out his great grandpappy was black and watching "Blossom." There are not enough tears." - This Post is About Dancing With the Stars . . . . I'm Sorry
So you're probably asking, where's the new material. There is none. I just wanted you to read this damn post. I kill myself tomorrow.