The Cheery Christmas Post

Before I get around to tiding the yule, allow me the opportunity to give some kudos to some of the amazing people that help make the magic that is television.

First off, to the final four contestants of "Survivor," way to completely shit on a Mayan ritual. For those of you not in the know, on the final episode some actual real life savage Mayans came to the contestant's camp and sacraficed a chicken for good luck or to keep away ghosts or something. The chicken was not supposed to be eaten . . . so the contestants ate it soon after the ceremony was done - a truly great American thing to do. Nobody, and I mean noboby pisses on another's culture like Americans do. Stellar job kids.

While I am on "Survivor," let me just say that I am happy that Danni, the quiet emanciated hottie, won the whole shebang. She beat out Stephenie, who, as some may recall, I gave the attractive moniker "Hoss" last season. Fans of the show may also recall that Stephenie was America's sweetheart last year for being the underdog. This year she was in a power position and went full blown bitch, pretty much pissing away America's goodwill. It just goes to show you that if you keep a woman down she's cute, but the moment you give an inch she's voting and wanting "man money."

Secondly, allow me to give many thanks to the brillant "Arrested Development" - the only show that has the balls to make a running joke out of vaginal moistness. This is just a week after finishing a storyline involving a hot, retarded British gal that the Bluths contemplated drugging with roofies. Why America never embraced this show, I will never know.

Now on to the fucking holiday cheer!

I had my first "fuck Christmas" moment of the season the other day when a minivan adorned with Christmas lights passed me while I was driving. It appeared to be full of kids as well. This of course made me want to drive the fucker off the road. The fact that killing them would lead to damage to my own car was the only thing that saved their fucking lives. I really hope we have some freezing rain in Indiana and those damn lights fail and set the van ablaze . . . . it's basically the only way my Christmas will be merry.

To top that off, my neighbor has put up Christmas lights on his house. Now every night I have to look at that shit. I hope that the blazing van crashes into that home and sets it ablaze as well.

While I am in a bitter mood, I should mention that you guys have still fucked me on Christmas presents. As you know I have a fucking simple wish list:

1) A walk on role on the classic comedy “Soap”

2) Tea and crumpets with Lee Marvin

3) Jesus Christ delivering me a pizza

4) A phone number from anyone on the Brunettitis List

I haven't seen anything resembling any of the above from any of you. This year I expect you dumbasses to step up. Don't make me make some homeless man go to your home and kill you.

- MPH