Songs to Hum While on the Crapper - 2005

Okay people I am a bit pissed. I just skimmed through my new "Entertainment Weekly" and discovered that none of the books that I listed yesterday were in its top ten for the year. Fuck, they weren't mentioned at all. The illiterate fucks at "EW" can drink my piss and die - I know a good read when I see one and I saw those ten good reads this year. Hacks.

But lets drop our "EW" hate for the moment so that I can drop you some knowledge. It's time for me to list me top ten albums of the year. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

Top Ten Albums of the Year

1) Fiona Apple "Extraordinary Machine"

A worthy follow up to her second album "When the Pawn . . ." which came out approximately fifteen years ago. After learning that it had been shelved, I figured that there was no way that this record could be any good. Surprisingly, despite retooling every song, it holds up pretty well. Not a bad track on it.

2) Beck "Guero"

My favorite album of the year for a better part of the year. Probably the most talented artist in the music industry today. He's never going to sell like he used to, but he's earned the right to do whatever the fuck he wants.

3) Frank Black "Honeycomb"

Black Francis goes to Memphis. An effective, country-fried effort by the Pixies front-man. I love me some incomprehensible lyrics with a twang.

4) The Decemberists "Picaresque"

As I have mentioned before, this band gave the United States its best anti-war song of the year. It was catchy and the message was clear. The rest of the album is the same way, but more morose. But like a good Motown song, this music doesn't leave you wanting to kill yourself.

5) Thelonious Monk Quartet w/ John Coltrane "At Carnegie Hall"

Monk. Coltrane. Live. Too cool.

6) Kathleen Edwards " Back to Me"

A strong second effort by Canda's folky powerhouse. Probably the best album of the bunch lyrically and she also hits the nail on the head with each lick of her guitar.

7) The Kaiser Chiefs "Employment"

Full of songs that you could either break something to or dance to. Or you could just sit back and listen to it while bobbing your head and imagining store windows being bashed in.

8) Jack Johnson "In Between Dreams"

One of the better selling albums of early 2005, but pretty much forgotten by the end of the year. That's a shame, because in a year full of turmoil the breezy sounds of Mr. Johnson should've been played more.

9) Fountains of Wayne "Out of State Plates"

One of the better collections of B-sides and covers that you'll ever find. This band will never see the success that they saw with their unfortunate single "Stacy's Mom," but they power pop will always have a fan base because it is always good.

10) Coldplay "X & Y"

While not a solid follow up to "A Rush of Blood to the Head," it does have plenty of good material. Could've been another classic if Chris Martin spent more time on lyrics and less time banging the Paltrow.

Best Songs of 2005

Frank Black "Here Comes Your Saint"
Beck "Girl"
Fiona Apple "Oh Sailor"
The Decemberists "Sixteen Military Wives"
Bloc Party "Banquet"
My Morning Jacket "Off the Record"
M.I.A. "Galang, Galang"

Very Bad Songs of 2005

The beauty of satellite radio is that I never have to endure pop radio. As a result I miss all the shit spewed out through the airwaves that "people" like. The following couple of songs are ones that I only caught seconds of and yet knew they were horrible.

Black Eyed Peas "My Humps"

They took "Lets Get Retarded" seriously. According to a friend they used to be pretty decent. I guess we all see what a white woman can do to a black man.

R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet"

The whole fucking epic makes my balls cringe. And why the fuck is Omar from "The Wire" in that video? (I saw a clip of it on "Best Week Ever" people)

Natasha Bedingfield "These Words"

She's lucky she's hot because if she had just a slight case of the uglies I would gladly gouge out her eyeballs with shards from CD's of hers that I have broken.

TV tomorrow.

- MPH