Only Gay Cowboy Love Could Bring Me Back . . . . An Oscar Review

Hello . . . my name is MPH and this is a blog that I lovingly refer to as "Heightened Thoughts." Uh, I am sort of new at this thing, but I thought it would be funny to review the Oscars before they actually started. For those faint of heart please note this blog will contain cursing, animal semen, and the slightest allusions to Mexican children being sold into slavery.

Uh, let me just thank you very, very, very, very much for visiting my blog and I look forward to entertaining all you folks in the future. I have a lot to say and no forum to say it (those "blacks" tend to shoot at you when you say nasty things about them in "their hood"). Also, my mom hates when I cuss so this is for her: FUCK!

That was liberating. But enough about my mommy issues, lets get this review over with so that I can think up new and fun things to write about and entertain you with.

Seeing as how this is the year of the fruit, I think it was really sweet that Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers tongued one another's fake breasts during their pre-game interview with David Straithairn.

You have to respect the balls on Jon Stewart . . . literally. I mean, to whip out his dick, spit in his hand, rub said dick, then fuck a life sized Oscar statute rather than do a tired song medley was really risky. But I think it will keep the viewers watching.

And the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role goes to that chick that Jim dated up until the booze cruise when he fucked up and did not tell Pam that he loved her only to tell Michael who then went on to blab it to everyone and forced him to go to Austrailia on the weekend of Pam's wedding. Poor Jim.

There was only one word for the "Wallace and Gromit" send up of the VP Roboto hunting accident - transcendent.

Why is it that every time "Brokeback Mountain" is mentioned they immediately cut to the scene where Anne Hathaway busts out those tremendous breasts?

You know, after hearing the song I would have to agree, it is hard out there for a pimp.

But do you know who it is harder for, all those lilly white hollywood stars who are now scared shitless.

What's better than "March of the Penquins" winning best documentary, that fucking nut from Murderball running him down with his kick ass wheelchair and they waddled to the podium.

I thought Matt Dillon's speech handled the issue of race as well as "Crash" did. Here's a transcript for those that may want to use it as a signature for your email:

"My movie had negroes, spics, slant eyes, and sand negroes all of whom acted real well despite their obvious deficiencies. No queers though, only think worse than a colored is a gay. Thankfully, though the Academy only sought fit to nominate the strongest white male in the cast. Let that be a message to all you people of color. You will never have any power . . . and by the way, there is no way I would save you from a burning car after diddling you. White power! Dillon out!"

Shortly thereafter Don Cheadle taught Dillon that is hard out there for an actor who's been curbed.

Btw, Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to win Best Supporting Actor, but it was discovered that he was going to say, "Ang Lee, I don't know how to quit you" and unfortunately got into an accident while changing his tire on the way to the Oscars and drowned on his own blood.

It's nice to see that Marie Bello wore that nifty cheerleading outfit as her Oscar dress.

How can you not win by original screenplay when wiping semen on books is a plot point?

Ease up Terrance Howard, Dubya is a decent president, Jon Stewart was just making a joke - it's not like he's waving at HurKat refugees from a low flying Air Force One.

All right, now that we got Reese's hot little ass off the stage we can start the conga line of man love acclaimation.

And Best Director goes to . . . "Ang . . . wait he ruined "The Hulk . . . uh, what I meant to say was Angelic actor, writer, producer, and director George Clooney."

Was it really necessary for Phillip Seymour Hoffman make the crowd go through that whole "hey . . .ho" thing again?

When winning Best Movie, do not have your lead actor give the thank yous in character. Heath, kiddo, I could not understand a word you said, it was if you were trying to talk with testicles in your mouth.

I think that is a good place to end. I hope you all enjoyed this blog and I hope that you will come back again real soon so that we can continue this grand adventure.

- MPH