Heightened Thoughts

The Laughter and Tears That Only a Bad Flight Can Give You

2006-05-02T01:52:00.000-04:00

So more people went to see Robin Williams ham it up in "RV" than endure "United 93." God bless this country. It goes to show two things - five years is the statute of limitations in this country for giving a shit about any type of crisis and there is not statute of limitations for enjoying Robin Williams, no matter how one note and shit-bally he has become.

I was one of the many, but not near enough, to go see "United 93" this weekend. Let me tell you, it is a laugh riot - if you're an Islamic extremist . . . . that doesn't stay for the last fifteen minutes. I will get to those last fifteen minutes shortly, first let me tell you about the only humorous part of the movie. That's right, if you listen closely midway through the film you can find something to laugh at. Amidst the panic after I believe both WTC towers had been hit it gets confirmed that a third airplane has been hijacked. Several FAA officials start talking over one another and one of them says something to the effect of "there's definitely a pattern here."

No shit sherlock.

I think I was the only one that caught it in the theatre and I almost let out a guffaw, but held it in. I am a tremendous asshole, but not that tremendous of an asshole. That being said, I did chuckle about the line for most of the night. It was a certain unintentionally funny comment and deserves to go down as one of the great lines in history.

As for those final fifteen minutes - holy shit. The entire focus of the final act is the heroic measures that the passenger of United 93 took to prevent the plane from reaching its desired destination aka Dubya's digs. To describe the actual effort by the passengers to overtake the plane as intense would be an understatement. It was quite honestly breathtaking. I would imagine that if you got lost in the moment you could actually say to yourself that these guys are going to do it. Of course, that does not happen and you soon find yourself immersed in darkness.

It is that point that I realized my heart was beating a mile a minute. It was also when I realized that pretty much everyone in the theatre except for me was crying. What can I say, I am a stoic motherfucker . . . unless you show me the ending of "Iron Giant."

For the past day I have been trying to decide whether this is a good movie or whether the emotional baggage it carries with it makes the movie good in some people's eyes. I am leaning toward the former. Emotions no doubt colored the film in everyone's eyes, but it does not take away from the fact that film was wonderfully executed. The actors, some of whom were actual participants on that day playing themselves (insert crass joke about the people on the plane here), all did an admirable job. Part of their allure was that they did not seem to be acting. I truly think people were reliving that day on the screen. No one is going to win an award for their work, but it was still top notch.

All in all you come out of the movie learning a little bit more about yourself. For instance, I learned I can watch the second plane go into the south tower while eating a handful of Reese's Pieces. I think that says a lot.

- MPH

Racing in Once More

2006-04-19T01:35:00.000-04:00

Come May 1st my ass is in a world of hurt. Seriously, if the immigrants have their way, good ole' MPH will be going hungry on that day. I am sure many of, okay some, surely one of you former readers of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" has written a well thought out post about the pending "Day Without Immigrants." Given the liberal tilt that many of you have demonstrated in the past, I am sure your asses are all behind this fucking thing. I for one am not behind the idea - like I said, I will go hungry on that day as a result.

You see the fast food joints in my neighborhood are primarily staffed by those of a spicish quality. I am sorry, that was rude, what I meant to say was a likely undocumented spicish quality. This is why the tacos at my Taco Bell are so damn delicious. If these beaners decide to be lazy for an additional eight hours on May 1st then who the hell is going to cook and serve me food? It is a God damn travesty.

Thankfully my whole life won't fall to shit because certain people want to be treated like "people." My Latina maid fears me so much that there is no way that she going to refuse to come out of the crawlspace I house her in. My gardener likely won't show, but that's cool one of my meth kids just found Jesus and he is trying to repent for hooking so many school girls on the shit that he is mowing lawns for free. That includes mine. Yeah, it does not make sense to me either, but who am I to fuck with God's will?

I am probably shooting shit right now for no good reason. Odds are is that this "Day Without Immigrants" will be a bust. Many of the organizers are calling for these unwanted "Americans" to join in the event no matter the cost, i.e. ignore the fact that your ass will be out of a job. You would have to think that people smart enough to get through our tight borders will have no interest in losing that job they took from some sixteen year old pothead who would rather be playing videogames anyway. So I may be able to eat after all.

Since I am ranting about race, why don't I make the smooth transition to race and rape. With the arrest of two of the Duke lacrosse players for the alleged kidnapping and rape of a black stripper it is now clear that about this time next year Duke University will be in the midst of a race riot and be burnt to the ground. Some will call it "A Day With White, Rich, Young People Running for Their Fucking Lives."

Personally I thought that when it was disclosed that there was no conclusive DNA evidence we would be seeing a memior titled "And That's Why We Chose a Black Stripper" on the bookshelves by the start of Duke's fall semester. So I was off by about seven months. These two or three players may be innocent, but I think they should really take one for the team and plead guilty. Nothing good can come from them buying a win with their high priced lawyers and experts. If this goes to trial I am definitely dropping my stock in any retail store that may be located in Durham, NC and investing in fire hoses and german shepard breeding companies.

By the way, has any trademarked "The Cameron Rapies" yet?

So I have just demonstrated that I am scared of people of a different race running away from me for a day and two races decided to get their clash on again for like the ten billionth time. But these two things pale in comparision to this statement:

"I'm the decider and I decide what's best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." - Dubya.

If that doesn't tighten your asshole to the point of prostate explosion then I don't know what can.

Alright, I am finally tired and not nearly bored enough to continue. I may be back some time or I may not. You fools keep checking in anyway.

- MPH

Only Gay Cowboy Love Could Bring Me Back . . . . An Oscar Review

2006-03-05T03:27:00.000-05:00

Hello . . . my name is MPH and this is a blog that I lovingly refer to as "Heightened Thoughts." Uh, I am sort of new at this thing, but I thought it would be funny to review the Oscars before they actually started. For those faint of heart please note this blog will contain cursing, animal semen, and the slightest allusions to Mexican children being sold into slavery.

Uh, let me just thank you very, very, very, very much for visiting my blog and I look forward to entertaining all you folks in the future. I have a lot to say and no forum to say it (those "blacks" tend to shoot at you when you say nasty things about them in "their hood"). Also, my mom hates when I cuss so this is for her: FUCK!

That was liberating. But enough about my mommy issues, lets get this review over with so that I can think up new and fun things to write about and entertain you with.

Seeing as how this is the year of the fruit, I think it was really sweet that Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers tongued one another's fake breasts during their pre-game interview with David Straithairn.

You have to respect the balls on Jon Stewart . . . literally. I mean, to whip out his dick, spit in his hand, rub said dick, then fuck a life sized Oscar statute rather than do a tired song medley was really risky. But I think it will keep the viewers watching.

And the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role goes to that chick that Jim dated up until the booze cruise when he fucked up and did not tell Pam that he loved her only to tell Michael who then went on to blab it to everyone and forced him to go to Austrailia on the weekend of Pam's wedding. Poor Jim.

There was only one word for the "Wallace and Gromit" send up of the VP Roboto hunting accident - transcendent.

Why is it that every time "Brokeback Mountain" is mentioned they immediately cut to the scene where Anne Hathaway busts out those tremendous breasts?

You know, after hearing the song I would have to agree, it is hard out there for a pimp.

But do you know who it is harder for, all those lilly white hollywood stars who are now scared shitless.

What's better than "March of the Penquins" winning best documentary, that fucking nut from Murderball running him down with his kick ass wheelchair and they waddled to the podium.

I thought Matt Dillon's speech handled the issue of race as well as "Crash" did. Here's a transcript for those that may want to use it as a signature for your email:

"My movie had negroes, spics, slant eyes, and sand negroes all of whom acted real well despite their obvious deficiencies. No queers though, only think worse than a colored is a gay. Thankfully, though the Academy only sought fit to nominate the strongest white male in the cast. Let that be a message to all you people of color. You will never have any power . . . and by the way, there is no way I would save you from a burning car after diddling you. White power! Dillon out!"

Shortly thereafter Don Cheadle taught Dillon that is hard out there for an actor who's been curbed.

Btw, Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to win Best Supporting Actor, but it was discovered that he was going to say, "Ang Lee, I don't know how to quit you" and unfortunately got into an accident while changing his tire on the way to the Oscars and drowned on his own blood.

It's nice to see that Marie Bello wore that nifty cheerleading outfit as her Oscar dress.

How can you not win by original screenplay when wiping semen on books is a plot point?

Ease up Terrance Howard, Dubya is a decent president, Jon Stewart was just making a joke - it's not like he's waving at HurKat refugees from a low flying Air Force One.

All right, now that we got Reese's hot little ass off the stage we can start the conga line of man love acclaimation.

And Best Director goes to . . . "Ang . . . wait he ruined "The Hulk . . . uh, what I meant to say was Angelic actor, writer, producer, and director George Clooney."

Was it really necessary for Phillip Seymour Hoffman make the crowd go through that whole "hey . . .ho" thing again?

When winning Best Movie, do not have your lead actor give the thank yous in character. Heath, kiddo, I could not understand a word you said, it was if you were trying to talk with testicles in your mouth.

I think that is a good place to end. I hope you all enjoyed this blog and I hope that you will come back again real soon so that we can continue this grand adventure.

- MPH

Going . . . Going . . . Going . . .

2006-01-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

I could not think of anything more appropriate than my picture mysteriously changing from Mark Harmon to Angie Harmon on this the last post to grace the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." You can look at it two ways, one that I am castrating myself by ending things now while I still have a small but loyal fanbase or two, that I must have started menstrating because only a woman would make such a rash decision.

I picked a hell of a day to go out. Politicians are facing their worst fear, a pussy ass rat with way too much inside information, cheerleaders are getting injured more and more, and the world is reminding that people are still stupid enough to still go into large holes that might collapse for ore. I almost feel compelled to make further snarky remarks about each, but then that would just take away from the focus of today's final post - good ole' MPH.

At this point you people should be giving me like my tenth time consuming standing ovation. Though I could do without Pops sobbing like a little bitch.

I think I will bow out by surprising you folks a bit . . . yep, I am going to be gracious. Much love to "The Band" for idolizing me for a little over a year. Sure I at one time or another kicked you all out, but you guys were a lot like my meth kids, too stupid to figure out how to open the door that would allow you to be free of me. Really people, I went on and on about robot alien hybrids . . . who the fuck sits through that?

I should also thank Jennifer Garner for not having me arrested. I would also like to thank Amy Acker for only pressing the taser trigger once. That was sweet. Mad props to Dubya and his cronies for making this whole venture worthwhile. Without them dumbfucks I would have only had a week worth of material.

Finally, I would like to thank myself. I am great, awesome, and whole heartedly kick ass. I can only hope that I have corrupted the rest of you and that you will continue on in my image - sort of like neo-Hilter youth.

Invoking Hitler, that's how all things should end.

I'm out.

- MPH

A Post Named Clipper

2006-01-02T23:07:00.000-05:00

How do you underwhelm the masses eagerly anticipating your kick ass send off? Post shit they have already read . . . . plus a surprise or two. That's right, there's going to be new material in this here clip show. I have also provided you with recommended reading so that you're properly wet when tomorrow arrives. Enjoy.

“Sirs, in case you are unaware, 'rile the democrats' is another way to say he has women fornicating with donkeys.” – How Come All Scandals End in Gate?

“I come from a town famed for its racism, though meth labs catching up as its new shameful blot, and unlike my neighbors I decided to rise above using derogatory terms when it comes to race. I find it is something people have a lot of pride in and insulting it will only get me shanked or shot - because that is what those people do when they are not mowing my lawn and tending to my pool.” – What No Tomato Crack?

“Is it just me or does knowing that Winnie Cooper thought Kevin Arnold was like her little brother make that kiss they had in the classic first episode even hotter?” – What Would You Do If I Denied You the Pill, Would You Stand Up and Walk Out on Me?

"Welcome to Heightened Thoughts, the only blog in existence where the readers will have more issues with your obsession with Jennifer Garner than the fact that you stated dying children should not be granted wishes." – Suicidal Strippers Drinking Rum

"Do you want to know the greatest benefit of becoming both extremely devout and conservative? The whores. Illegal love is at its best when your views are extremely narrowed." – I Heart George W. Bush

"Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." – I Fought the Law

"I saw an ad for a new lid for Kraft mayonaise that is bigger and clips shut. My first thought: now sickos have more room to get their cocks in there." – Linear Thought?

"By cuss words, I mean: fuck, motherfuck, motherfucker, fucking fuck, fuck a dog, shit, shit head, shit bag bitch, bitch ass, bitch ass motherfucker, damn, damn bitch ass, damn bitch ass motherfucker, bastard, bastard covered bastard, ass, asshole, ass munch, ass hat, ass monger, cock, cocksucker, cocksucking motherfucker, hell, hell fuck no, hell fuck yeah, and cunt (which up until today has never been used)." – This I Swear

"When I was a very tall young lad I always dreamed that when I died a black man in a cowboy hat would serenade me while scantily clad women cavort about. There would be burgers on trees and women carrying buckets of ranch dressing without the hint of pornorific irony. The only thing that was missing was monkeys in three piece suits waltzing." – Happiness is Chicken and Ranch Dressing On a Bun

"The business of being me and the depression, you, my lovely readers, have caused because you can't seem to appreciate Mark fucking Harmon the way I do means that you'll only be getting shit instead of jack shit at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" today." - Headliners?

"However, not even the musical genius behind "Tired of Being Alone" could do shit for me - that's when I turned to opiates. Not just any opiate either, according to my dealer when I took the stuff I was to experience a feeling akin to a 'Muppet rubbing my scrotum.'" - Bring the Pain

"Despite what I just said about the very much alive Lee Marvin, I seriously doubt my bag full of tired jokes has anything to do with it. You all love Jennifer Garner references. Everybody give me an Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhbama on that ass spewage. In fact you love them so much I expect Jesus to crawl out that womb and deliver me a pizza any minute now." - More Hesseman!!!!

"This week I am still snorting up the glory that is being able to invoke Benji and autoerotic asphixiation in the same post." - A Burning Love

"Masturbating to the theme of "Growing Pains" won't help Tracy Gold gain back all that weight she had when the series was at the height of its popularity." - This Post is Not About Cats With Opposable Thumbs

"But think about it people, Tigger was flamboyant as fuck and really like to pound his own ass if the opportunity was present. Piglet was a small, pink little pig. If you are still say "what the fuck" then you're obvious too re-[censored by the With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] too ever get what I am saying. Tigger and Piglet were rainbowy icons who candles were snuffed out far too soon. Sure, they'll likely get new people to voice the characters, but don't be surprised if Tigger now sounds like Mr. T. and Piglet like Tim Allen." - Poohing on a Dream

"Haven't these kids heard of spinning around a whole lot or masturbating? I recall both creating a pretty decent natural high. I do not believe you can die from either of these two things unless you do them in the back of a pick up truck." - Air, The New Anti-Drug

"Knowing that it is about to die a horrible death between a tire and Sydney's vagina and ass, the left testicle musters the will to shoot off one more load to keep the whatever "Vaughn's" family name really is alive. So the load is shot and thankfully Sydney is at her most fertile. Their DNA start dancing and next thing you know there's a bun in the oven." - The Last Post About Jennifer Garner . . . Before "Heightened Thoughts" Goes All Year Two and Stuff

"One of the cheerleaders was later heard saying "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." She was promptly shot by police it what was billed a clean shoot before one bullet was fired. The unnecessary carange provoked another cheerleader to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." - What That Dog Did . . . Just Ain't Human

"I don't feel up to continuing to make light of the situation, so I will close by saying that Heightened Jesus, Inc. will be making a donation to help the soon to be struggling people of the area regain a sense of stability again. That's right, we're donating all the beads we purchased during a post Fat Tuesday sale last year to the city so that Mardi Gras is a little less depressing next year." - Show Us Your Tidals

"After watching the news for the past several days and wasting about two hours either displaying sympathy for or bitching about this whole hurricane thing, I decided the best thing for me to do on this Labor Day weekend was to drive down to New Orleans and be as big as impediment as possible. Not that I really want to be an impediment, but come on what good can I really do down there? I am certainly not going to let others climb up on me to avoid rising waters." - Live From New Orleans It's . . . . Water . . . Lots and Lots of Water

"Miss me? I would love to say that I missed you, but that would be disrespectful to the attention I gave all those whores." - Good Thing Nothing's Happened Since Friday

"I honestly don't know what to say. I thought that he had that word stricken from the English language the moment he took office. I thought he had "I didn't do it" tatooed on his ass right under "Freedom is on the march." Seriously folks, am I dreaming? Did the Prez just say "my bad"?" - What I Meant By One More Time Was . .

"Now the article had all kind of stuff about the survey that was sciencey and shit, but what you really need to know is that some of these women are referred to as LUG's aka "lesbians until graduation." Why do you need to know this? Well because the term is awesome." - On The Fourth Day You Get Lesbians

"Bell's your obvious winner unless they give it to the black people singing "Moving On Up" to make up for the mistakes made during Hurricane Katrina." - It's Never Too Early to Review the Emmy Awards

"Lets start off with the big story from last week, Hurricane Rita. Did anyone else get the impression that Rita was just like sister of an abused woman vying for the attention of her parents who are caring a little too much for Ms. "Took a Left Hook and Got Her Jaw Broken"? Really it was pretty pathetic and it took our journalist away from numerous opportunities to exploit the plight of HurKat survivors. For shame Rita, for shame." - The Week That Was . . . Last Week

"Apparently we are due for or already overdue for another pandemic one that will make the great flu outbreak of 1918 look like a fraternity circle jerk on a large cookie." - One Flu in a Cuckoo's Nest

"This is the beauty of blogging people . . . where else can you find a paragraph that references Rosa Parks, erections, and "Spring Break Shark Attack"? That's right, only at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." - Seat's Taken

"One fellow cheerleader who witnessed the event had this to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phones and keys. This is what lesbianism has wrought." - Give Me A V

"After being politically castrated over the past few months, the Prez is efforting to get his balls back by going into full "listen fucker" mode." - Rubber and Glue

"While I shouldn't speak about the rest of Colvin's body of work because I haven't seen him in anything else, I am going to proclaim him the greatest actor of a generation . . . that generation being children born in 1977 who died in car accidents and the like by 1982." - The December 8th Hangover is the Worst

"Speaking of respect and 9/11, I had a gut punch experience yesterday. ABC announced the participants for the second edition of "Dancing With the Stars" and among those that will be hoofing it is Jerry Rice aka my favorite football player of all time. I wish I could describe to you how I felt when I heard this news . . . . it was somwhere between how a proud Confederate soldier would feel if he found out his great grandpappy was black and watching "Blossom." There are not enough tears." - This Post is About Dancing With the Stars . . . . I'm Sorry

So you're probably asking, where's the new material. There is none. I just wanted you to read this damn post. I kill myself tomorrow.

- MPH

Movies to Enjoy Thinking About While on the Crapper - 2005

2005-12-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately I do not have a very long intro for this post. I do want to give a tip of the hat to HFB for showing her own fucked version of love in her most recent post. I did not expect much from her, but I do expect some Labbie quality shit from other people. Making my disbanding "The Band" better than the "Last Waltz" fuckers.

A couple of caveats before I get into the Top Ten Movies of the Year. The two best films that I saw this year were actually released in 2004 but did not make it to Indiana until early 2005. Those two films were "Million Dollar Baby" and "Hotel Rwanda." Had they been on the 2004 list they would have been ranked second and third respectively - "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind" is still the best movie of 2004.

This year I actually saw 95% of the movies that I wanted to see. The only ones that have eluded me are "Munich" and "Brokeback Mountain." I planned on seeing "Munich" this past Monday but it was sold out at the theatre that I went to . . . . Christians must have wanted to see those Jews slaughtered for killing their Christ. The other film, "Brokeback Mountain" actually began showing in Indy today, but I have a couple of rules I must adhere to before seeing it. One, I must be with someone else. Two, that someone else must have a vagina. I can't image either film not making my ultimate list once I see them though.

But enough of that, let's go out to the movies.

Top Ten Films of 2005

1) Crash

Over the years there have been better intertwining storyline movies made, but few have been this emotionally charged. Each actor involved in the project rise above the overall plot, which was good, but not great. Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton are particularly effective. You leave the movie uncomfortable, but also thinking and that's a good thing.

2) Good Night, and Good Luck

George Clooney effectively wrote, directed, and co-starred in the best political movie of the year. Utilizing the absurdity of the McCarthy era, he makes a wonderful statement about the world today. He also shows journalists the true meaning of having balls. While many of the characters were underdrawn, the actors rise above it once again.

3) A History of Violence

This was the most intense film of the year in many senses. It has a suspenseful charge, a violent charge, and an erotic charge. All three mixed together and created something rather combustible. David Croenberg utilized the slow burn excellently and provided some of the more gruesome violents acts that I have seen in the theatre.

4) The 40 Year Old Virgin

Of all the films that I saw this year, this one may be the most consistent from beginning to end. It was definitely the funniest movie I saw this year (full disclosure: it was the only outright comedy I saw this year). Steve Carrell is nothing but funny and he proved that he could carry a film. The supporting cast was also great. No film ended better than this one either.

5) Serenity

I am a Whedonite through and through. I was a little nervous that he would not deliver with his first feature but I was wrong. This is the movie that Episode III shoud've been. It had the right mixture of action, humor, and tragedy. Unfortunately no one but hardcore fans went to see it and that fucks any plans for making this vehicle a franchise.

6) King Kong

This movie should have been number one and it would've been if it were about forty-five minutes shorter. That being said, while I was watching it, I did not feel like I had sat there for three hours because I was into the movie, but I could tell that I had been there a long time. The film is visually stunning and the action sequences were terrific. Naomi Watts did a fantastic job emoting while basically looking at nothing but a blue screen.

7) Constant Gardener

Another very politically charged film that was really carried by the acting. Somebody remind Rachel Weisz was revealatory. But the movies is really carried by Ralph Fiennes and he does a superb job. It's a tragic tale that should get some Oscar noms, but right now it looks like it might get lost in the pack.

8) Batman Begins

All is forgiven. The movie industry spent years rogering the legacy of Batman with horrible movie after horrible movie (meaning every one but the first in '89). Then Chris Nolan got his hands on the badass and returned the franchise to its past glory. The best part of the film is Gary Oldman playing the straight man. I didn't know this guy knew how to act normal.

9) Cinderella Man

This movie is really all about the acting. The plot is rather standard, but Russell Crowe, Rene Zelleweger and Paul Giamatti and great. Ron Howard also did a great job capturing the art of boxing. Most movies fuck that up, but he went all Scorcese and Mann on us and got it right.

10) The Squid & The Whale

One of my favorite movies is Noah Bombach's debut "Kicking and Screaming" (no, not the Will Ferrell abortion that was released last spring). I have been waiting for quite some time for Bombauch to recapture the magic of that film and he did it here. All the actors are great in this flick and I love how the end provides you with squat for closure.

Honorable Mention

Layer Cake
Broken Flowers

Monday I will have a clip show to get your asses prepped for the big finale on Tuesday.

- MPH

Shows to Enjoy While On the Crapper - 2005

2005-12-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Well Blogger is certainly making this "retirement" shit a whole lot easier. Before I give you a well informed list of the best television shows of the year, I need to get some house cleaning done.

First, it would appear that "Ask Blog Jesus" died a bit prematurely. I don't know what the fuck happened, but I can tell you that I did not pull the cite early. I was really looking forward to the last round of questions - meaning I was really going to fuck people up with my answers. It appears though that I will be unable to bring that joy to you fuckers. I spent a good portion of last evening trying to figure what the fuck was going on to no avail. I could create a one day only new Blog Jesus site but I don't have the injury. Unfortunately Blog Jesus won't be going out as a bastard . . . instead he's going out like a little bitch.

Speaking of little bitches, big ups to Labbie for his terrific post honoring the king shit of fuck mountain, good ole' MPH. Due to all my blogging issues yesterday I was unable to comment on the post both on his blog and on this blog. I would like to say that I was moved by the post but everyone knows that I am deliriously emotionaless robot. I know that some of you folks know how to love and I do recommend that you show Labbie some love for his fine work.

I would also suggest that you folks start thinking of similar posts for next Tuesday because I have decided that January 3, 2006 is when the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" will take its final bow. I know this is a bit earlier than I promised, but who the fuck expected me to actually keep that promises.

Alright, now that I have evacuated my mental bowels its time to tell you kids what the best television shows of 2005 were.

Best TV Shows of 2005

1) Lost

If you're one of those bitches that complain that the plot is too complicated or that the show runners have no fucking clue what they are doing I ask that you please die in the woods so that wolves can eat you and have their way with you in various other ways. Dollar for dollar this is the best drama on television. It packs equal amounts of thrills, emotion, and mystery into each episode. While I am intrgued by the mysteries the show keeps producing, I am also intrigued by the characters. All of the actors are great in their roles and some do way too much with very limited time (Sun and Jin). It's a hell of a ride and I plan on enjoying it for years to come.

2) 24

One of my complaints about this show in the past is that it usually hits a lull about midway into the season and you lose some interest in it as a result. That was the past. This past season punched you in the stomach from the very beginning and kept punching and kicking your ass for twenty-four straight hours. The twists and turns were pitch perfect and it had the best season finale of all shows last May.

3) Arrested Development

I know that some of you fuckers that are reading this are partially to blame for the imminent demise of this hilarious ass show. In a way I hate you, but in another way I just want to thank you. Because everyone on the show know that is likely on its last legs they have stopped giving a fuck about what others think and have just produced good comedy. There are no boundaries any more and that is what will make this show fantastic to watch for the remainder of its episodes.

4) Battlestar Galactica

This show should not have worked. A remake of a bad '70's sci-fi show that starred Edward James Olmos. Who in the hell would watch that? People that like gritty, intense drama, that's who. There are few sunny days in space especially when you're being hunted by robots and this show makes sure that its viewers feel their characters pain.

5) Entourage

No show, with the exception of Grey's Anatomy, matured more in it's second season. I didn't give a shit about any of the main four characters last year, but now I do. And Jeremey fucking Piven grabbed the ball and ran with it this year. He was the best thing about the show last year and he stepped up this year along with the show itself.

6) Veronica Mars

Regretably I did not get into this show until this past summer. I am now trying to atone for that mistake by catching missed episodes of this series on DVD. This is the best written show of the ten that I listed. The dialouge and banter between the characters in terrific. The show also has a real heart which allows it to raise above the generic Nancy Drew premise.

7) The Shield

This show became extremely interesting this season for two reasons: Glenn Close and the evolution of the characters. Close decided to slum it on TV for a bit and devilered a knock out performance. The main characters, Vic Mackey and his squad, played it straight for most of the year and only strayed when necessary. This allowed all the actors to be more than one note bad cops as they had in previous seasons. The evolution apparently continues next season and I look forward to watching it.

8) The Office

The most polarizing show on television at this time. For every person that loves the show there is another that fucking hates the show. I think it is a brillant comedy that has gotten remarkedly better since last Spring. The best components of the show are Jim and Pam's relationship and all the supporting cast that make up the rest of the office. Each episode they shine brightest.

9) House

I actually just finished watching the first season of this show on DVD and it made me appreciate the brillant performance of Hugh Laurie even more. He gets to play the saint and the sinner all at once and you can tell he is having a ball. The cast make this show so much more than a medical mystery and I love that they are exploring more and more of their outside lives.

10) Deadwood

Oh how I love long cocksucking monolouges that probably have some deep meaning. This fucking show is the shit. Where else are you going to see a bad ass like Ian McShane suffer through a kidney stone and talke to an Indians head in a box?

Honorable Mention

Grey's Anatomy
Rescue Me
My Name is Earl
CSI
Everybody Hates Chris
The Daily Show
Without a Trace
Invasion
Scrubs

And we'll end the week with movies.

- MPH

Intermission

2005-12-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

Blogger has decided to be a bitch and fuck up not only Blog Jesus, but also Heightened Thoughts. I will be back tomorrow with my top TV shows.

In the meantime go to Labbie's blog and read the lovefest that he has produced in honor of me.

- MPH

Songs to Hum While on the Crapper - 2005

2005-12-27T22:52:00.000-05:00

Okay people I am a bit pissed. I just skimmed through my new "Entertainment Weekly" and discovered that none of the books that I listed yesterday were in its top ten for the year. Fuck, they weren't mentioned at all. The illiterate fucks at "EW" can drink my piss and die - I know a good read when I see one and I saw those ten good reads this year. Hacks.

But lets drop our "EW" hate for the moment so that I can drop you some knowledge. It's time for me to list me top ten albums of the year. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

Top Ten Albums of the Year

1) Fiona Apple "Extraordinary Machine"

A worthy follow up to her second album "When the Pawn . . ." which came out approximately fifteen years ago. After learning that it had been shelved, I figured that there was no way that this record could be any good. Surprisingly, despite retooling every song, it holds up pretty well. Not a bad track on it.

2) Beck "Guero"

My favorite album of the year for a better part of the year. Probably the most talented artist in the music industry today. He's never going to sell like he used to, but he's earned the right to do whatever the fuck he wants.

3) Frank Black "Honeycomb"

Black Francis goes to Memphis. An effective, country-fried effort by the Pixies front-man. I love me some incomprehensible lyrics with a twang.

4) The Decemberists "Picaresque"

As I have mentioned before, this band gave the United States its best anti-war song of the year. It was catchy and the message was clear. The rest of the album is the same way, but more morose. But like a good Motown song, this music doesn't leave you wanting to kill yourself.

5) Thelonious Monk Quartet w/ John Coltrane "At Carnegie Hall"

Monk. Coltrane. Live. Too cool.

6) Kathleen Edwards " Back to Me"

A strong second effort by Canda's folky powerhouse. Probably the best album of the bunch lyrically and she also hits the nail on the head with each lick of her guitar.

7) The Kaiser Chiefs "Employment"

Full of songs that you could either break something to or dance to. Or you could just sit back and listen to it while bobbing your head and imagining store windows being bashed in.

8) Jack Johnson "In Between Dreams"

One of the better selling albums of early 2005, but pretty much forgotten by the end of the year. That's a shame, because in a year full of turmoil the breezy sounds of Mr. Johnson should've been played more.

9) Fountains of Wayne "Out of State Plates"

One of the better collections of B-sides and covers that you'll ever find. This band will never see the success that they saw with their unfortunate single "Stacy's Mom," but they power pop will always have a fan base because it is always good.

10) Coldplay "X & Y"

While not a solid follow up to "A Rush of Blood to the Head," it does have plenty of good material. Could've been another classic if Chris Martin spent more time on lyrics and less time banging the Paltrow.

Best Songs of 2005

Frank Black "Here Comes Your Saint"
Beck "Girl"
Fiona Apple "Oh Sailor"
The Decemberists "Sixteen Military Wives"
Bloc Party "Banquet"
My Morning Jacket "Off the Record"
M.I.A. "Galang, Galang"

Very Bad Songs of 2005

The beauty of satellite radio is that I never have to endure pop radio. As a result I miss all the shit spewed out through the airwaves that "people" like. The following couple of songs are ones that I only caught seconds of and yet knew they were horrible.

Black Eyed Peas "My Humps"

They took "Lets Get Retarded" seriously. According to a friend they used to be pretty decent. I guess we all see what a white woman can do to a black man.

R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet"

The whole fucking epic makes my balls cringe. And why the fuck is Omar from "The Wire" in that video? (I saw a clip of it on "Best Week Ever" people)

Natasha Bedingfield "These Words"

She's lucky she's hot because if she had just a slight case of the uglies I would gladly gouge out her eyeballs with shards from CD's of hers that I have broken.

TV tomorrow.

- MPH

Good Literature for the Crapper - 2005

2005-12-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

You what does not happen often enough? Reviews about the best things of the year. That should be a monthly thing I think. Over the next few days I will be trying to pick up the slack for the massive ball droppage by the world and give you my choices for best books, music, television, and movies for the year that still is 2005. Today I get literary on your ass.

Top Ten Reads of 2005

1) Agriculture on Mars

A comprehensive examination on why the crops on Mars will only try to kill us with laser guns and get us wishing for the day when we can fly to the world of strangely obedient dogs Pluto.

2) Why Whores Avoid Lettuce

An anthology that collects the stories of men who have tried to get women in their lives to eat lettuce but have failed to do so.

3) Mutts: The Black People of the Dog World

Arthur Keeman takes you into the mind of the most tragic figure in the animal world - the mutt. See how they are often ignored or worse used as practice sacrafices for pit bulls trained to kill. The chapter about the curious mutt puppy will make you laugh until you wet yourself though.

4) Tracy Middendorf: My Career As a Guest-Star

You have seen her on "Angel", "24", "House", etc. Now hear her fascinating story of guest-starring in show after show and find out what juicy gossip she overhead during her ten minutes on the set.

5) Roll With the Punches: How the Lazy Survive Constant Abuse

The title sort of explains the premise.

6) Postage Due

The story of a kindly postal worker that is kidnapped and anally raped then left for dead. He survives and rather than go to the police or the hospital goes back on his route and tries to make the day's deliveries despite the rectal bleeding.

7) A Fall From This Far Will Kill It

Scientist Raymond Reed rented a twenty-story apartment building for a year and spent that time throwing live things from various floors. His breakthrough study now lets everyone know how far something or someone must fall in order to die. For example, an otter will die after a four story drop.

8) Arguments Against Burying the Elderly While Their Still Alive

The plot is simple. While driving to bury grandpa alive, Jimmy tries to convince his father to kill him first. The dialouge is bitchin'.

9) The 100 Best Places to Find A 10 Year Old's Lung

Got a young relative or friend in need of a 10 year old's lung? This book will tell you were to find one.

10) Andy Griffith's Fantasy Hotel

A recently uncovered erotic tale that Mr. Griffith wrote while high on opium during his Mayberry days. Notice the striking similarities to members of the cast. You'll never look at Ron Howard the same way.

If you haven't picked up any of these fine works please get off your ass and get them now. It's fucking fundamental people.

Music tomorrow.

- MPH

Freaking Christmas

2005-12-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

What a horrible, horrible day . . . . Christmas Eve . . . eve. Fucking sucks a lot of donkey dicks if you ask me. Thankfully the media agrees with this sentiment, otherwise they would not published stories with these headlines:

"Year's disasters kill 300,000, cost $100 billion"

"153 Police Died in the Line of Duty"

"Double-mouthed fish pulled from Neb. lake"

Kudos to the dickless media for upping the dickitude and trying to bring a little less joy into the world during the holiday season.

The only redeeming value of this day is that it is officially Festivus. I love the fact that a holiday created by a sitcom that featured mean-spirited people is given some sort of official recognition. I have been unable to get my family to recognize the holiday, but pretty soon they are going to realize that I do know how to use a gun and that I did put bullets in the fucker.

And I have a bit more good news for your asses. Next week I will be posting every day and will be giving you shits my "Best of's." It's a time honored tradition that I have only done once and will be stopping in a few short days. Don't miss it.

- MPH

Screw the Books, We Got Us a Love Fest

2005-12-21T18:21:00.000-05:00

Baby

Bastard

Wuss

You suck

Fucker

Chicken

The above is some of the many reasons that I love you, my loyal readers. It is also some of the many reasons why I am no longer needed. I have created a band, if you will, of malcontents that spread nothing but hatred and bile across this great land. I have taught you all everything that I know, and despite you retardity, you have soaked it all up. Brav-fucking-o.

Anyway, it's not I am totally disappearing. Because I am partially retarded myself, I will continue to drop by all of your blogs and bring the funny. The best part of it all is that now you'll just get a punch to uterus worth of MPH rather than a body numbing rambling MPH. You fuckers benefit the most out of this.

Now if you will excuse me I have a kidnapped penguin to skin and dice up for my salad.

- MPH

No One Gets My Organs

2005-12-19T23:31:00.000-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that, I, good ole' MPH must announce that in the very near future the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" will be ceasing operations.

This is not a joke.

I haven't really been digging much of what I have been writing lately and I feel that if the writer doesn't like the quality of his work then why keep doing it. So in the near future (probably the second week of Janaury) I will be closing up shop. Plus Jennifer Garner and Amy Acker shared screen time last week on "Alias" which is like the pinnacle of everything to me. You can only go down from there.

In the meantime I will be putting out Best of 2005 lists for the rest of this week and part of next week. I will probably do a year in review as well. Then some original content before I slit my own throat.

Btw, I can't think of a better Christmas present to you, my loyal fans, then to announce me "retirement" from the game. What an asshole.

- MPH

All Dubya All The Time!

2005-12-16T22:57:00.000-05:00

It was a Dubyariffic couple of days . . . so much shit, so little desire to write about it since it is late on Friday . . . . but here we go fuckers.

After having been beaten like a middle aged Italian woman that burnt the garlic bread for quite a long time, the administration decided to counter America's backhand by sort of saying they were sorry. Dubya himself took responsibility for invading Iraq on faulty intelligence. "As president, I'm responsible for the decision to go into Iraq -- and I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities. And we're doing just that." He added, "no question we made some, I would call them, tactical mistakes."

I will give the Prez some credit here, I would have totally expected him to throw someone other than himself under the bus. At the very least he took that bullet. Had he decided to make these statements at any time in 2004 I would have probably applauded him for stepping the fuck up. To do it nearly three years after the disaster all I can say is fuck off. Taking responsibility "officially" now rings extremely hollow. Dubya, you should fire the advisors that told you this was a great idea.

Notice I said that Dubya should "fire" and not "torture" the advisors. That's because the United States does not torture and pretty soon we'll have the documentation to prove it. In a stunning reversal of position, the Prez openly supported the ban on torture. This comes after months and months of people in the administration pushing for the torture ban to be dropped because while the U.S. does not use torture as an interrogation method, it wanted to make sure that it was an option if the mood was right.

The administration, especially V.P. Roboto have looked like dicks blocking this legislation (sponsored by five year electrode to the testicle survivor John McCain). By supporting the measure they can pass the dick onto someone else. That someone just happens to be California Republican Duncan Hatch who is threatening to block the legislation unless he receives a written assurance from the White House that interrogators won't be "handcuffed." If the above sentence seems familiar, you're right . . . . the exact same threat was used in the 1982 classic "Savannah Smiles."

The reversal by the administration was seen as a defeat, but not as big of a defeat as the Senate deciding to shit on the Patriot Act. Okay, the whole Senate didn't shit on extending the Act, just the ones that love them some donkeys. In response to the defeat, Dubya pulled out a classic and in a statement tried to scare America, stating that "terrorists want to attack America again and kill the innocent and inflict even greater damage. Congress has a responsibility not to take away this vital tool that law enforcement and intelligence have used." Democrats basically retorted with the whole "protecting rights" and "why do you need to know what I read" argument. Republicans re-retorted with "rights schmights" and "because Mark Twain was a terrorist at heart."

Sources close to the White House (like two blocks away) say that Dubya continually commented that there will be nothing worse than the Scooter Libby week. He was, of course, wrong, and even today, finding himself waist deep in shit, he learned that shit can be stacked even higher.

Reports surfaced that Dubya authorized a secret spying program in the United States several times since October of 2001 without seeking warrants from the courts, per the law. This is a big no no. For the first time this week Dubya shut the fuck up and refused to address the issue. Meanwhile a whole lot of people, speaking anonymously said that everything the Prez did was lawful. Those that spoke publicly talked about hearings and chills through America's spine. Not a good day for the Prez to say the least.

Well that is enough of Dubya (and I didn't even get into his Delay comment). Chew on all of the above for the weekend and I will see you on Monday.

- MPH

Swiss Christmas

2005-12-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

I know what you're all thinking.

I find that incredibly sad by the way, that I know what you're all thinking . . . you, my loyal readers, all have very simple minds. Really kids, do something to get a bit smarter.

So yeah, I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, where does good ole' MPH stand on the war of Christmas?

One would think that I would support the secular, give "Brokeback Mountain" seven Golden Glode, happy holidays crowd that doesn't even want Christ in the parking lot while you're Christmas shopping.

I do not support those douches.

This obviously means that I dig those conservative, Merry Christmas, spread Jesus around so much that he is in your socks crowd that boycotts stores because Bill O'Reilly told them to.

Wrong.

I hate both groups, but I love the fact that those two groups hate one another. I just want acrimony during the holiday season. Better yet, I want pointless acrimony during the holiday season. There is nothing better than a fight over a Christmas tree in a public place. It's a waste of time and resources and is utterly fantastic.

The only thing that could make this "war" better is if the groups actually grew some balls and really started to fuck one another up. Violent, pointless acrimony is better than watching Rachel McAdams doing aerobics. Blood stained snow is something worth keeping in your freezer.

Of course, we may not have to worry about the "War on Christmas" much long if the war of words between the United States and Canada heats up.

Apparently the U.S. has warned politicians running in Canada's January 23rd elections to not bash Washington and the Dubya Administration. In response, Canada has told us to fuck off. Well, at least I think they said "fuck off" it was in French and people in France don't even get that language.

While there is not likely to be any actual fighting between the two countries, a trade embargo could occur. This would essentially mean that the United States would no longer be allowed to air episodes of "Kids in the Hall."

It's a tough loss, but one we can live with so long as Dave Foley is allowed to remain stateside calling celebrity poker games.

- MPH

The Cheery Christmas Post

2005-12-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

Before I get around to tiding the yule, allow me the opportunity to give some kudos to some of the amazing people that help make the magic that is television.

First off, to the final four contestants of "Survivor," way to completely shit on a Mayan ritual. For those of you not in the know, on the final episode some actual real life savage Mayans came to the contestant's camp and sacraficed a chicken for good luck or to keep away ghosts or something. The chicken was not supposed to be eaten . . . so the contestants ate it soon after the ceremony was done - a truly great American thing to do. Nobody, and I mean noboby pisses on another's culture like Americans do. Stellar job kids.

While I am on "Survivor," let me just say that I am happy that Danni, the quiet emanciated hottie, won the whole shebang. She beat out Stephenie, who, as some may recall, I gave the attractive moniker "Hoss" last season. Fans of the show may also recall that Stephenie was America's sweetheart last year for being the underdog. This year she was in a power position and went full blown bitch, pretty much pissing away America's goodwill. It just goes to show you that if you keep a woman down she's cute, but the moment you give an inch she's voting and wanting "man money."

Secondly, allow me to give many thanks to the brillant "Arrested Development" - the only show that has the balls to make a running joke out of vaginal moistness. This is just a week after finishing a storyline involving a hot, retarded British gal that the Bluths contemplated drugging with roofies. Why America never embraced this show, I will never know.

Now on to the fucking holiday cheer!

I had my first "fuck Christmas" moment of the season the other day when a minivan adorned with Christmas lights passed me while I was driving. It appeared to be full of kids as well. This of course made me want to drive the fucker off the road. The fact that killing them would lead to damage to my own car was the only thing that saved their fucking lives. I really hope we have some freezing rain in Indiana and those damn lights fail and set the van ablaze . . . . it's basically the only way my Christmas will be merry.

To top that off, my neighbor has put up Christmas lights on his house. Now every night I have to look at that shit. I hope that the blazing van crashes into that home and sets it ablaze as well.

While I am in a bitter mood, I should mention that you guys have still fucked me on Christmas presents. As you know I have a fucking simple wish list:

1) A walk on role on the classic comedy “Soap”

2) Tea and crumpets with Lee Marvin

3) Jesus Christ delivering me a pizza

4) A phone number from anyone on the Brunettitis List

I haven't seen anything resembling any of the above from any of you. This year I expect you dumbasses to step up. Don't make me make some homeless man go to your home and kill you.

- MPH

This Post is About Dancing With the Stars . . . . I'm Sorry

2005-12-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

Is there a bigger "oh shit" moment than the one where you see a large ass airliner skidding toward you while you're driving in your car? And don't be going all 9/11 on me people, show some respect.

Speaking of respect and 9/11, I had a gut punch experience yesterday. ABC announced the participants for the second edition of "Dancing With the Stars" and among those that will be hoofing it is Jerry Rice aka my favorite football player of all time. I wish I could describe to you how I felt when I heard this news . . . . it was somwhere between how a proud Confederate soldier would feel if he found out his great grandpappy was black and watching "Blossom." There are not enough tears.

At the very least Evander Holyfield had an excuse when he was a contestant last year. He had been beaten retarded. Rice was attempting to make one more go of it this past August. His thirst for competition cannot be that bad . . . if it is get the fucker into a program.

If Rice's participation does make most middle age men die a little inside, the inclusion of Tatum O'Neal certainly will. The bitch is a former Oscar winner and held her own while working with talents like Walter Matthau and Jackie Earle Haley. Then she got all fuckable in "Little Darlings" and soon thereafter got all strung out and began the continual hopped up on cokle banging of John McEnroe. She was a fucking guy's dream. Now she's fucking dancing for our attention and not in a respectable stripper way.

There has been a lot of fucked up shit going down the last few months. I am almost certain that this edition of "Dancing With the Stars" may be the capper that leads to us all being extremely fucked come March or so.

- MPH

The December 8th Hangover is the Worst

2005-12-07T19:51:00.000-05:00

Woo hoo! Happy anniversary Pearl Harbor! In-fucking-famy baby, that's what it's all about!

But before we get around to celebrating this most festive of days, lets take some time to remember the immortal Jack Colvin who played reporter Jack McGee on the television version of "The Incredible Hulk." Jack McGee is on "Wall of Great Television Characters." How could you not love a guy nuts enough to follow a big ass green beast all over the country and also incompetent enough never to catch the fucker. While I shouldn't speak about the rest of Colvin's body of work because I haven't seen him in anything else, I am going to proclaim him the greatest actor of a generation . . . that generation being children born in 1977 who died in car accidents and the like by 1982.

Back to the partay . . . well actually I should get this bad news before any jigginess starts.

If you live in a city with a MEGA-church and you are itching to get your prayer on Sunday December 25th then you're shit out of luck. Citing low attendence many of these MEGA-churches are closing on Christmas Sunday. There were other reasons beyond no shows that warranted the closings, Cally Parkinson, a spokesperson for one of the churches felt that, "If our target and our mission is to reach the unchurched, basically the people who don't go to church, how likely is it that they'll be going to church on Christmas morning?"

How likely is it that they are going to show up to church on any given day? Face facts, if you're "unchurched" the only way you're going to church at all is if you something happens that causes faith to beat you down and make you go - like a child dying in a car accident - otherwise you're nursing your Christmas Eve party hangover or just a hangover from a random night of drinking and mild debauchery.

Professor David Wells, a critic of the closing, proclaimed dire consequences out of this action. "I think what this does is feed into the individualism that is found throughout American culture, where everyone does their own thing." Fucking individuality! Everything should be like it was in the 1950's where all the men worked, the women stayed at home and took an occasional beating without going to the police, and negros had their own restrooms. Uniformity is the only fucking way to go.

Speaking of uniformity, lets get to the party about that event that brought America and a large part of Europe together . . . . damn, I have to address one other thing first.

Topless photos of Jennifer Anniston are floating around the internets. I think this is a travesty . . . . I have been at work all fucking day and I haven't even had a chance to look for these fuckers. It is just cruel that my place of employment discourages looking at the finer things in life. A damn shame.

You know what, fuck the party. We should remember this day as a sad one in American history. I have been denied self satisfaction for too many hours. Everyone think about that and mourn.

- MPH

Why!!!!!!!

2005-12-05T23:24:00.000-05:00

Fuck. Blogger gets my hopes by crashing and not letting me do dick for the good part of the evening and then I just happen to hop on check things out here at 11:24 p.m. and find that the shitbag is fully operational again. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.

Can you tell I had resigned myself to not writing today? Now here I am like a retarded chimp trying to scrape together something because I know that my loyal readers need them some blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" three times a week or everybody starts cutting and we don't want that shit becoming too trendy.

I was really ready to talk about the wonders of a pack of squirrels killing a dog somewhere overseas. The story will make me laugh for years to come and I wanted to share it all with you people. Unfortunately Blogger sucked away all my inspiration. Now you're stuck with this drivel.

So I will leave you with this short post and one word of advice.

Sudafed.

- MPH

Naming Rights

2005-12-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

Violet Affleck.

I tell you what, that would be a kick ass name for a local rock band. It is not a kick ass name for a living breathing human being. However, since the Hollywood elite cannot risk the asshole stretching pleasure of anal beads, they take solace in raping the self esteem of their progeny by giving them fucked up names.

Apple . . . Pilot Inspektor . . . Kal El . . . and now Violet. I am not even throwing in the clan Zappa into the mix and I am completely ignoring freakish bretheren of everybody's favorite molester- Hal Glitter son of Gary and Sue Ann Glitter.

There are two reasons that celebrities give their little bastards weird names. They are either fucked in the head thanks to a mixture of yes men, money, and cocaine or they just hate children. While I am bigger fan of the latter reason that the former, if the former is the primary cause for this trend I am cool with it. I like rash decisions made by the wealthy that have a dramatic effect on the life of a person. That's why I think the whole Enron thing a few years back was hilarious. There's Katrina victims that look down on those fucktards that lost everything to the corporate fat cats.

But really I hope that the second reason is the motivation behind this trend. The only thing better than celebrities make rash, cruel decisions is bitter kids of famous people. There will be nothing better than hearing about how Apple got Hep A after a night of drug binging and being rammed by a bunch of frat boys and liking it because it pisses off her parents. Absolutely stellar.

By the way, that whole anal bead thing . . . . I read about that. Well maybe I have seen a video or two. Never done it though . . . never. You can't sit down and enjoy "Alias" with those things in there.

- MPH

For My Clear Heeled Homies

2005-11-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

There used to be a day when you could go out get a motor home and fill to the top with strippers and no one would complain. I don't actually know when that day was, but I am positively certain that the day existed.

Now if you create a stripper-mobile and charge $40.00 for a fully nude lap your ass will be both covered and arrested. It is a down right dirty (oh so dirty) shame. It just isn't right. People . . . important people should be protesting this clear abuse of the right of every man and kinky woman to have tits rubbed in their faces.

So where are the people?

That's right, they're all in Cali trying to prevent the execution of one of the co-founders of the notorious gang the Crips. Great, save this shithead and deny me the opportunity for an erection in an RV - fucking perfect.

For those of you against the death penalty or who believe that Stanley Tookie Williams does not deserve to die because of all the good he's done since he was incarcerated for killing people - please go fuck yourselves. First, the death penalty isn't used near enough. Only 999 times since 1977? Come the fuck on. Lets start drugging, gassing, and lighting more people up! It's like controlling a murderous pet population. No one has a problem taking the manhood or womanhood of poochie, but they shit themselves in anger when a murderer gets off in a legal manner.

Secondly, Mr. Williams could have saved the life of the Pope, the Prez, and Danica McKellar (who looked hot in "How I Met Your Mother" last Monday, btw) all at once and I would still say that the fucker needs to die. Forget the fact that he killed people. You may be able to redeem yourself for that. His continual crime is the existence of the gang that he founded that continue to take lives. In my book, all the blood that the Crips have spilled are on his hands. Write all the fucking children's books you want and convert gang member after gang member. You got yourself two legacies and one of them is full of pure evil. For that he has to die.

If Anuld commutes Williams' sentence I am asking that one of my loyal California readers at the very least go up to him one day and kick the ass in the nards. Then kick yourselves in the nards (if you have them) for not electing Gary Coleman as your governor. That dude wouldn't have even considered stopping the execution.

This just pisses me off. I am going out for a lap dance.

- MPH

Hell Week

2005-11-28T00:29:00.000-05:00

Damn . . . you take some time off from posting on the blog lovingly referrered to as "Heightened Thoughts" and shit and the fan decide to meet at civic center and do some square dancing. From Tuesday through Saturday I was in a continual funk and no amount of turkey and stuffing could make the pain go away. What made the pain go away? Well, lets talk about the other shit first.

Lets start with the news that I care least about, the dissolution of the story book marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Upon hearing of this tragic event, I took a shit and went about my day. Who the fuck cares that these two people got divorced? Let me rephrase that, who over 25 that is not employed by MTV fucking cares about these two people getting divorced? My only interest in this story is that it increases the likelihood that a Jessica Simpson sex tape with hit the internet. I think that she has the brain capacity to be a really good fuck and I hope to see her skills at work in the near future.

Just as I recovered from the Jessica's and Nick's cover of the "Divorce Song," I took a kick to the throat. R.I.P. Pat Morita. I kept waiting for reports that said "after forty-five minutes of spitting on their hands and placing it over Mr. Morita's heart the doctors declared him dead and after some thought decided that going with the defilburators would've been the better choice." Unfortunately those reports never came. It should be one hell of a funeral though. Where else will you get Ralph Macchio and the cast from "Happy Days" in the same room?

The worst news of the week was, of course, was ABC's announcement that "Alias" will be coming to a close this . . . . excuse me . . . . it still hurts to talk about . . . . May. Thankfully, do to the Affleck seed, Jennifer Garner and I will have a separation period before the series finale. I will spend that time probably watching seasons three and four and DVD, which just means that I have trouble letting go of things. What makes this news even sadder is that the latest object of my obsession, Amy Acker, will again be out of work again.

It should also be noted that May will be suicide watch month at both "Heightened Thoughts" and "Ask Blog Jesus." Look for the signs and just see if you can find me in time to save my life.

One thing kept me from slitting my wrists after eating Thanksgiving dinner and that was CMT's "Crossroads." More specifically that was CMT's "Crossroads" featuring Kenny Rogers and Lionel Richie performing together on one stage. The thought alone of those two singing "Islands in the Stream" was enough to keep this engine running for another week at least.

I will be back on Wednesday.

- MPH

No Time for a Title

2005-11-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

Reason why America is great number 7560 - 7565:

__________________________________

The administration and senators are currently discussing the implications of a proposed ban on torture of suspected terrorists in custody and what parts, if any, Dubya and the boys might find acceptable. For the record, including language banning "cruel, inhuman or degrading" treatment is not acceptable.

It just goes to show that freedom can't do any marching unless some testicles face a cattle prod.

__________________________________

According to our esteemed Vice President, you don't need the burden of proof to go to war.

__________________________________

We produce a lot of obese children and according to recent studies these fatties break bones easier making both fat and gimpy and much easier to pick on.

__________________________________

The mayor of Chicago wants to take away any spirit a child may have by having school on Saturdays.

_________________________________

The possible return of the autoharp to peak awesomeness thanks to Reese Witherspoon in "Walk the Line."

________________________________

Yeah, so this post sucked and guess what it's all you're getting this week. MPH has some shit to do before the holidays. See you in a week - maybe.

MPH

Death Christmas 2005

2005-11-18T16:54:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving isn't even here and you already got fuckers telling you what will kill kids this year.

Back in the day everything used to be dangerous and kids died all the time . . . it was fantastic. Now some nancy ass people want to make sure your kids live and take more of your hard fucking earned money next Christmas as well as this Christmas.

These asswhipes are the reason why Jesus gets pissed during the holiday season. They promote the commercialization of Christmas by encouraging people to buy safely. It used to be that people spent this season praying to Jesus because their son or daughter were blown up by an "Easy Bake Oven."

So, as a service to all you, my loyal readers, the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" has provided you with the list for this years dangerous toys and I encourage you to buy the shit out them and hand them off to the kids. May they die mercilessly:

1) "Baby Serena -- Baby I'm Yours"

2) "Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit"

3) "Splatmatic PistolSplat Paintball Shooter"

4) "Animal Alley -- Ponies"

5) "City Blocks"

6) "The Lord of the Rings -- Return of the King Uruk-Hai Crossbow Set Including Electronic Light 'n Sound Sting Sword"

7) "Air Kicks Kickaroos Anti-Gravity Boots"

8) "Fisher Price's Little Mommy Bath Baby Doll"

9) "Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands"

10) "Star Wars -- Revenge Of The Sith Energy Beam Blaster"

Ho, ho, ho

- MPH

Fire Starter

2005-11-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that at the end of Dubya's term he is going to go on national television and sing his rendition of "We Didn't Start the Fire" to once and for all address the mountains of shit that he, with the aid of his cronies, have shoveled on top of the American people.

So far the Dubya rendition is ten minutes longer than the Billy Joel classic, which covered some forty years of American history. By 2008 the song should take up a whole day. The latest verse goes a bit something like this: "Hurricane Katrina, leak source subpoenas, secret task force, oil profits soars."

The Washington Post disclosed today that in 2001, V.P. Roboto and his Task Force of Engergy met with oil executives so that they could help hash out an energy policy that I am certain was aimed to make the world a better place . . . for the oil industry and those with ties to the oil industry - like, oh I don't know, people with the last names of Bush and Cheney.

Unfortunately no one remembers this meeting occuring. Blame for such forgetfulness is widespread - Dubya has probably tipped a few back since then, V.P. has died at least three times since then, and oil execs have lost some cognitive function after briefly suffocating while rubbing thousands and thousands of dollars in their face. That has to be it right? It couldn't be that these people have outs that would prevent them from disclosing this has occurred.

I mean the Prez and Vice Prez don't have "the constitutional right . . . to obtain information in confidentiality." And it's not like the oil executives weren't forced to swear in at their hearings last week. Wait . . . . those two do have that right . . . and the executives didn't have to swear in. Hmmmmm . . . . nah I am sticking to my original assertions. This is America . . . no one gets off after conspiring to benefit the rich and fuck the poor. No one.

What douches.

I do appreciate the balls on these oil executives to go before Congress and deny that such a meeting took place. They obviously believe that they are untouchable. I take that back, they know they are untouchable. I am surprised one of them just didn't get up during the hearing and take a piss right on his table.

Now all we can do is wait for more denials and investigations that are going to go nowhere. God Bless America!

- MPH

Rubber and Glue

2005-11-14T19:34:00.000-05:00

A pissy Dubya is a fun Dubya to write about.

After being politically castrated over the past few months, the Prez is efforting to get his balls back by going into full "listen fucker" mode. For those too reading about how people in the Netherlands blow the heads off birds that fuck up domino exhibits, allow me to fill you on why Dubya's ass is full on panties right now.

The Democrats have recently begun accusing the Prez and his posse of manipulating and withholding some pre-war intelligence and misleading Americans about the rationale for war. The administration categorically deny this allegation. They did not withold any intelligence or mislead the American people. They just simply fucked up. More specifically, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley has gone on record as saying the administration "were wrong" about wmd's. He stopped short of saying "my bad" for the litany of other reasons Dubya and the gang provided for going to war after they figured out they were so very wrong.

But back to the President Pissy. This past weekend he held out the back of his hand to the Democrats faces and chatised them for complaining about the meal he put on the table thanks to his hard work. "Some Democrats who voted to authorize the use of force are now rewriting the past . . . . They're playing politics with this issue and they are sending mixed signals to our troops and the enemy. That is irresponsible."

I will say this for Dubya, although his people have notoriously also rewritten the past played politics with the issue, and acted irresponsibly, he has never, and I mean never, sent mixed signals to our troops or the enemy. The administration has been constant in their very public "Three Stooges" like approach in handling this war. Not once could you mistake them for being competent.

The capper of the speech was truly excellent - "The truth is that investigations of the intelligence on Iraq have concluded that only one person manipulated evidence and misled the world — and that person was Saddam Hussein." Hot damn! That's a powerful line. Enough to make you forget well everything . . . . Free Scooter!

According to my sources (again not James Taylor), the speech actually continued. I luckily was provided the transcript:

"But wait folks, there's more truth to provide. The truth is that investigations of FEMA have shown that Mike Brown did a stellar job and those emails were manipulated by Saddam Hussein. He and CNN misled you about New Orleans, it's back and better than ever. There was no death, rape, looting, death, or rape. Just Saddam and Anderson Copper manipulating you. I am running out of time, but just let me say: Scooter - Saddam; DeLay - Saddam; Frist - Saddam; the economy - Sad. . . . actually that would mean the terrorists won, so lets lay that on the false hope provide by the Kerry campaign. Yeah, I like that. Anyway folks, the truth is that the only truth you can count on is the truth that this administration supplies. We are full of truth and want to give truth to the people. Freedom is on the march and it is being flanked by the truth. And with the truth our mission will be accomplished - again. Good night and God bless."

Powerfully incoherent stuff. God bless America.

- MPH

Completely Arrested Development

2005-11-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

This will be a short one today . . . . I need some time to mourn the forthcoming loss of "Arrested Development." If you didn't watch the show you suck and I hope that Pat Robertson condemns you to hell for voting it off the air.

Coincidentally, "Arrested Delevopment" made a rather smart joke about how "the jury was still out on evolution" that made me laugh heartily. Not as heartily as listening to that crazy ass Pat Robertson telling the city of Dover, Pennsylvania that ""I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," all because they voted out member of the school board that supported intelligent design.

I used to think Jerry Falwell was the most un-Christian "Christian" in the world. I was obviously wrong. Mr. Robertson is the most hateful, bile filled piece of fuck in the Christian community.

Of course after spitting some shit, Robertson then did what he does best - spin his comments to make them seem not so bad. He claims that he was just trying to point out that "our spiritual actions have consequences . . . . God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever," Robertson said. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."

The above comment actually confirms that I will be seeing Pat Robertson in hell. I can't imagine any different consequences for his "spiritual actions" (demanding assassinations, suggesting that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device, stating feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians").

I would love for a real Christian to bitch slap the man and explain to him (while kicking him while he is down) that he's a wrong-headed motherfucker. It would be the only time that I watch the "700 Club."

- MPH

13 Ways to End a Dilemma

2005-11-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

Remember the good old days . . .

Jennifer Garner. Wonderful actress, critically acclaimed TV show, burgeoning movie star, and a beautiful woman. As you can see, I think quite highly of Miss Garner, so you probably think I went to Best Buy and bought her movie "13 Going on 30" on DVD since it came out today. Well, you're dead, dead wrong. And therein lies the dilemma.

The fact of the matter is that I am interested in seeing the movie, but I have no desire of being seen in public actually renting it and I am certain that I don't want it to be part of my permanent collection (what would Indiana Jone say if that were to happen). Those that know me are probably surprised that I have even thought about seeing the movie, and frankly so am I. Normally, if I caught a bunch of grown people dancing to "Thriller" in a movie trailer, I would groan and make a sarcastic comment under my breath either to the person with me or just out loud (more often that not I go to movies alone - why does it have to be a social experience - oops, digressing). And while I think that seen is groan worthy and I would more than likely fast forward through it, it did not curb my interest in seeing the movie.

(Can't go see it in the theatre . . . refuse to buy it on DVD . . . probably crazy . . . . )

So where does that leave me - cable, that is if it premieres on HBO or Showtime. So what does this all boil down to, because of my neurosis, I am going to wait a year to see a movie I am not against seeing and there is a chance I won't get to see it even then if it premieres on Cinemax or Starz! (where I bet it will end up, punishment for having Jesus lose at thumb wrestling). There really should be a five step program (I don't have time for twelve and this one should include alcohol) to help me through this type of problem . . . .

Well the dilemma is dead. This past weekend I could not sleep and so at four in the morning I found myself flipping channels and discovered that "13 Going on 30" was about to start. Since I could not think of a more pathetic way to watch the movie than in the middle of the night while in my underwear - I hunkered down for some pre-Affleck tainted Garner goodness.

About ten minutes into the movie I realized that hunkering down was an appropriate term for watching this movie because it was a bomb. It didn't completely suck, but it sucked well enough to make me want to shower after I finished watching it. The flick's redeeming quality was the acting. The Garner, Mark Ruffalo, and the underrated Judy Greer rose about the material, which should earn them a peace prize or some other cool ass shit. Otherwise the plot was bunk - basically a half assed "Big." If I wanted to see a half assed "Big" I would get blitzed and turn on "Turner and Hooch."

And while you're trying to make sense of that last statement, allow me to ask a question. How pathetic is your life if you actually know the choreography to "Thriller." I knew the scene existed, but I had only seen snippets of it. It was after seeing the whole ordeal that the movie died for me. I can stomach a plot about a girl getting her wish to be thirty. However, I cannot stomach a scene where people all suddenly know how to a twenty odd year old dance. Actually . . . I can stomach such a scene, but it has to be done right (recall, if you will, "Footloose" - the greatest movie about banning dancing in the Bible belt ever).

So the Garner has yet to do anything in the films other than a nice small turn on "Catch Me if You Can" which makes me think I will continue my obsession with her when "Alias" is killed by ABC this coming spring. Not that thinking has much room in an obsession laden mind.

So that was another edition of "Movies That I Have No Intention of Seeing Again." On the memorable Elisabeth Shue movie scenes scale, I give this flick one Elisabeth Shue saying "Don't fuck with the babysitter" minus two Elisabeth Shues sitting in a shower washing the anal rape away.

That of course equals a -4 (otherwise known as "The Saint").

- MPH

Give Me A V

2005-11-07T19:33:00.000-05:00

Do you want to know women sometimes suck and blow at the same time? Because every now and then they gett all pissy when two consenting hot cheerleaders want to make sweet, sweet love in the stall of a public restroom. We are in the fucking aughts ladies - lesbians are here to stay and occasionally you are going to have to accept that they will be diving for muff over a toilet bowel.

Really, it is just fucking close minded and you would think after all that women have fought for that they would stand side by side with their sisters and support their needs . . . and possibly rub lotion on them . . . slowly . . . while licking their lips in lustful anticipation of . . . more lustful things.

For those of you that only read thing damn thing to get your news here's the deal two cheerleaders for the Carolina Panthers were caught having sex in the restroom of a Tampa, Florida restaurant. One of them decided she did not like the pleasure train coming to a complete stop and decided that since her hand was all warmed up from slapping some ass that she would also strike a patron while leaving the restroom. Next thing you know police are about, false identities are being presented, false ID's are being blown, and there's cheerleaders in cuffs.

One fellow cheerleader who witnessed the event had this to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phones and keys. This is what lesbianism has wrought.

The unfortunate thing about this whole ordeal is that these fine young ladies will likely be stripped of their cheerleading powers very soon. The upshot is that they are going to make a bundle with their first porn.

Among the people that will be watching said former cheerleader lesbian porn (midget included, of course) will be members of the College Coalition for Relationship Education at Colorado University (where if the football players don't molest you, a visiting pro basketball player will). So why will these people be watching the porn? Well, essentially this group is just a "no fuck" league. They are close with God, want to know about their partners are feeling, and take abstinence pledges. Otherwise it is the perfect breeding ground for in development porn addicts.

Just wait, sales of glory hole videos will skyrocket on that campus in six months. It will the boon right after the cheerleader lovers vid.

And here's news that will leave your panties in a bunch. On Wednesday I revisit a classic old post.

- MPH

Hard Working Man

2005-11-04T00:21:00.000-05:00

It has now been well documented that I just didn't give a fuck on Wednesday. This lead to an outpouring of good will (not really) and SJ's promise to comment five or six times to bring my spirits back up (she commented once). Thank every last fucking one of you.

Actually, nothing any of you could have said or done would have gotten me out of my doldrums anyway. I didn't think anyone could actually and that includes strippers with ping pong balls to spare. Then I came across the Mike Brown emails. Those emails, my wonderful readers, was the best literature I have read in quite awhile. They provided the widest grin I have had in quite awhile. The erection was quite substantial as well - towel hanging worthy.

I am wondering if I should tweak that last sentence.

What kind of asshole says "Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to tweak?" when an underling says things are past critical, people are dying, and food and water is running out? The type of asshole that takes time out to find a dog sitter when people are literally drowning in shit. I am not sure what phrase Dubya wants to take back more "Mission Accomplished" or "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

Seriously, it is like Dubya just sent the cadets from "Police Academy" to NOLA to handle the situation. Wait, now that's just wrong . . . Mahoney would've been on the fucking ball. He always stepped up when needed. He certainly would not be trying to figure out whether to go with or without a tie.

By favorite email though is from Sharon "I definitely come across like a heartless bitch now" Worthy who advised Brownie that he needed to roll up his sleeves . . . literally. "In this crises and on tv you just need to look more hard working . . . ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES!" Their solution for making him look like he was doing something was to roll up his sleeves. Basically make it look like you sort of, kind of just tried. What fuckholes.

I was fairly certain that no one in the administration gave a shit until they realized it would like really bad if they didn't give a shit. Unfortunately no one sent that memo to the fuckers that were actually heading up things down there. They continued to roll up their sleeves and not give a fuck. In a perfect world, they would be brought up charges of murder for their actions. They are clearly showing depraved indifference to the plight of the people of New Orleans and Mississippi. At the very least Brownie deserves a chainsaw up his brown spot.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about this whole thing is that over two months have passed and we are still talking about HurKat. This is America people! We drop things so quick that you're not even really sure they were ever picked up. However, we can't drop this story because the shit never stops rolling down hill.

Actually, the better analogy is the shit never keeps floating to the top - you know because there's shit in the flood waters and . . .

- MPH

Wednesday's Child Just Got Run Over By a Car

2005-11-02T18:24:00.000-05:00

So we got closed door sessions in the Senate, a bird flu plan that was blasted mere minutes after Dubya announced it, Scooter's first court appearance pending, allegations of CIA run secret, but "torture free," terrorism prisons abroad and Alito acrimony between the Pubs and Crats.

I picked a good day to get a sudden case of I don't give a fuck.

I have absolutely no desire to write today . . . yet here I am dancing like a retarded monkey for you folks.

I don't even have the gumption to write about the guy that killed a deer with his bare hands after it got into his home and started thrashing the place. That's not as badass as that dude that killed leopard by pulling out his tongue - but what can you say American's half ass it.

Nor do I have the gumption to waste time about talking about the fine citizens of Denver, Colorado who decided that they cannot go through life any longer without being able to carry an ounce of pot with them at all times.

Hell I can't even think of anything funny to say about 50 Cent supporting Dubya's reaction to HurKat. "I think people responded to it the best way they can." Really? What the fuck. See . . . that's all I got.

I wonder how long you people are going to keep reading me meander on and on.

I wonder how long I am just going to meander on and on.

Yeah, here's a good stopping point.

- MPH

Alito Bit of Halloween Talk

2005-10-31T18:16:00.000-05:00

Fuck, those little costumed bastards keep coming for my candy in droves - sort of like the pending bird flu pandemic or indictments to Dubya cronies. By the way, I do say "Happy Halloween you little bastards" when I open up the door. I am also divying out candy by costume by the creativeness of the costume. So far the kids ain't getting shit. One kid just tried to reach into my bowl and grab the candy himself. I told his mother that either she shows him the back of her hand or I'll show him the back on mine. And I have a big fucking hand people.

My original plan to hand out matches from strip clubs fell through when, well, I paid for my last lap dance of the evening with those very same matches. Dumb strippers are great. So the kids had to settle for legit candy. Next year though I will remember that is is not necessary to be dry humped to Tom Petty's "American Girl." Okay maybe is it necessary, but it certainly isn't a frugal choice.

Conservatives got themselves a treat today when the Prez decided he liked not bookending the weekend with fuck ups and nominated Appeals Court Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. And while it may not seem like liberals got a treat today, they actually did. Judge Alito's nomination now allows them to get a major "hate-on" something they were denied for the past month thanks to Harriet Miers' ineptness. Since this dude (a highly technical term for male Supreme Court nominees) is often compare to the teddy bear otherwise referred to as Antonin Scalia, I full expect a political bloodbath.

Alito's nomination was also a treat for me because it made Dubya look like a beat puppy. For weeks upon weeks he tried to get a scrap off the table from just about anybody with those big ole' eyes and ended up smacked on the nose with a rolled up paper. But like any smacked around puppy, he's stupid enough to come back for more love. Unlike a puppy, he is just capable enough to make a keen decision and get back into the family's good graces. And the family seemed happy to give Dubya some love for making the right decision four weeks late.

Of course it all goes to shit on Thursday when Scooter wheels his way into a courtroom for the first of what is likely to be many times over the next few months. And so the bookend fucking up begins anew . . .

- MPH

Libby and Let Die

2005-10-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

Way back when in the span of two days I found my cat dead in the street and lost a class president election . . . tough shit for a young man at the time. However, it ain't shit when it comes what Dubya has endured over the past two days. Right now he's probably pissing himself a bit every time someone knocks on his door . . . "oh shit here comes another one."

It's like a reverse Halloween going on at the Oval Office. Instead of kids coming to the door asking Dubya for candy, you got old cronies coming to his office handing him resignation papers. I am fully certain that the Prez would rather have a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep right now rather than what he's got in his hands at this moment.

Unlike the Harriet Miers debacle which will quickly become a footnote in American history, this whole PlameGate will be a shit stain on his presidency forever. The size of the stain is not yet known. It could be a shart or it could be a full blown anal explosion. If Libby is the only person indicted, we're in shart territory. If Rove gets indicted - that white sheet will be brown. Either way you would have to think that Dubya is officially counting down the days until he doesn't have to do a thing other than clear brush in the ranch.

Although the above mentioned things will have and have had a huge impact on the Prez, I am certainly that the thing that shook him most was the fact that Sulu is gay. As you well know, the current administration's make up is largely based on the original "Star Trek." For Dubya to find out that one of his heroes is all faggity and such is just the ultimate punch to the gut. He can easily shake off the other things because well . . . he's been able to easily shake off everything else that has bit him on the ass. He can't shake off a full load of Sulu gayness.

I seriously doubt the Prez will be getting out of bed tomorrow. I may not either but that's because of the hang-over.

- MPH

Sympathy for the Devil

2005-10-26T00:23:00.000-05:00

There's a lot of fucked people in the White House right now, but there's only one fucked person that I kinda feel sorry for - Scott McClellan.

Sure's he's a douche like all the rest of them, but unlike the rest of them he has to go out in public and do the "everything's hunky dory dance." Scandal after scandal, screw up after screw up we seem him walk to the podium and try and massage inferior choices for the Supreme Court, poor response from his boss to natural disasters, marching freedom, the amount of fun one can have while playing T-ball. It's hard not to feel for him just a little bit. And just when you start to get the sorrys he goes and and says Dick Cheney is going a "great job" as Vice President. Nothing wipes away remorse like hearing verbal anal spewage.

Scotty, I know you're a regular reader of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" and let me give you a piece of advice - run. Run like hell. Get away from the time bomb that is about to go off. You're already balding and a bit chubby. Sticking around will only lead to less hair and more pounds. It is easier to throw stones at a fat bald dude in a suit - this is coming from years of experience.

Now Dubya, I know you don't read the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightend Thoughts" but the CIA gives you daily reports on the shit I spew when they're not busy turning in their own. Not that Mr. McClellan will leave you employ allow me to suggest a replacement or two. Actually allow me to suggest a large cast of people that can take his place and, get this, put a smile on people's faces.

That's right home slice, I am talking about the talking heads that contribute to VH1's "I Love the '80's" saga. Who doesn't want to hear Michael Ian Black cracks wise on welfare reform? Who doesn't want to check out Racheal Harris' rack while she he's making a witty retort to a question about dead HurKat victims? Hell, you can even get some funny from Nelson - both of them . . . both of them. Sure nothing of note will be said and the ultimate result will be people shitting themselves due to outrageous laughter, but that just means that the status quo is intact.

By the way, last night's episodes of "I Love the '80's: 3-D" referenced "Gimme a Break" and the Mandrell Sisters. Sure they tape this stuff weeks or even months in advance, but we all know they just ripped my ass off.

Despite that Dubya, think about it - I know that is hard to do without anyone to turn to, but if you spend a couple of days pondering you'll see I am right.

- MPH

Seat's Taken

2005-10-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

It's not everyday that the death of civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks takes a backseat to bigger news, but come on folks we are mere days away from the Lucy Lawless tour de force "Vampire Bats." I have not had an erection this magnificent since I learned of a piece of cinema history called "Spring Break Shark Attack."

This is the beauty of blogging people . . . where else can you find a paragraph that references Rosa Parks, erections, and "Spring Break Shark Attack"? That's right, only at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts."

In all actuality, it's a white man not vampire bats that Rosa Parks is giving way to on this day. In fact, this white man is currently the second most powerful white man in the United States and, well, he may not be a man at all. For those of you that guessed I was talking about V.P. Roboto you get jack shit - there's no freebies in this joint.

According to reports, Vice President Cheney may have . . . sort of . . . okay did tell his chum and Chief of Staff "Scooter" Libby about Valerie Plame a few weeks before Bob Novak publicly took a dump on her chest. Surprisingly, "Scooter" forgot to mention this conversation while being questioned during that little grand jury thing going on. And when I say forgot to mention I actually mean outright lied while under oath. "Scooter" is now looking at possible indictments for perjury and obstruction of justice. Fortunately with a nickname like "Scooter," there's no way he will be ass raped repeatedly if things go sour and he goes to jail.

To be fair, Cheney didn't actually know Plame's name. To be more fair, he did know that she was married to Joseph Wilson, was in the CIA, and may have helped arrange her husband's chip. I don't know about you, but there's nothing here to indicate that you could come up with Plame's real name with that information.

But wait, the hits keep coming. Guess who fed the information in V.P. Roboto's circuits? If you said former CIA Director George Tenet then you still get jack shit. Actually when he told Cheney this he was the current CIA Director. Which actually means that he was Plame's boss at the time that he ratted her out. Which really actually means that he was ultimately in charge of her safety when he ratted her out. Which really, really actually means that he may be the biggest douche bag in this whole affair. And lets remember that this affair includes the people mentioned above and Karl Rove. That's a whole lot of douchery.

Imagine things a year from now. Dubya will be sitting in the Oval Office trying to reach all his cronies to figure out how to get the latest shit stain of his presidency out of the sheets only to find that two people are available because the others are in court or in jail - Rummy, who will be so lit that he can only recommend pissing in the wind and Chili Condeleeza Carne who would not be in the position she's in if not, in part, for a black woman that had the balls not to back down to the antics of a stupid ass white man.

- MPH

Cover Your Ears

2005-10-21T00:04:00.000-05:00

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YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE NOISE ABOVE. WHILE ANNOYING, IT WILL NOT STOP ME FROM DOING MY JOB.

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REALLY THIS ISN'T A DISTRACTION AT ALL. THIS POST WILL BE KICK ASS.

Seriously folks, there's a good chance Dubya is tipping back the bottle again if he thinks that IraqwarnoBinLadenCIAleakgrandjuryHurKatfuckup (breath) highgaspricesbadSupremeCourtpickDelayindictment (breath again) Fristinvestigationpendingdeathanddestruction is just "some background noise"then he has to be blitzed. Mr. Prez the last head honcho that had "some background noise" to work around didn't fair so well . . . R.I.P. Trickie Dick, despite being an asshole you were still a lovable bastard.

The White House is in serious need of a scandal enema right now. They just need to clean all the bad shit out and try to convince people that he's the same guy most people mind numbingly loved back during the heyday of September 11th. He could still pull that off too. People are that stupid.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that Dubya decided to staff the White House with people you would typically see in bad sitcoms. The cantankerous grandpa - V.P. Roboto; the ditzy off color wife - Babs; the horny teens - his slutty daughters; dumbfuck neighbors who he went to college with - Brownie and Scooter; the drunk uncle - Rummy; and a random black person - Chili Con Carne. He knows he's fucking everything, but at least he gets to go to bed laughing about all the hijinks that went on during the day. It's like "Gimme a Break" but with a nuclear arsenal.

Unfortunately we won't be able to count Hurricane Wilma relief as one of the fuck ups. Something tells me that Florida's governor may have Dubya's ear. In fact, there's already talk of putting a large tarp over the state so that it is completely protected from Wilma's bitchiness. The best part of the tarp is that it raises up and all the excess water washes away the boat people from Cuba trying to get into the country illegally. As the Prez would say "two stones and one bird people."

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WELL THE FUCKING NOISE IS BACK AGAIN AND I GOT A HEADACHE SO I AM JUST GOING TO LEAVE YOU GUYS FOR NOW. HOPEFULLY THE NOISE WON'T BE SO LOUD ON MONDAY.

- MPH

Wave to the Crowd

2005-10-19T12:38:00.000-05:00

Over the past week or so while on my way home from work I have passed by this kid who is probably around thirteen or so that has been standing in his lawn and waving at each car that passes him by. This pisses me off because each time I pass him my very next thought is if this kid is retarded (Margot hasn't been around for awhile - the word's back) or not. Last night I realized that I kept having the same thought after seeing this fucking kid and I started wondering if I am retarded for thinking about whether this kid is retarded or not.

In order to stop thinking about myself being retarded I have come to the conclusion that the kid is not retarded. Rather, I fully believe that he is a complete moron. As a result I feel that he should be beaten severely for a litany of reasons including the fact that he is waving at cars, the fact that he is waving at cars and he is thirteen years old, and the fact that he can't think of anything more creative to do other than wave at cars. Ultimately my hope is that he gets close enough to the road that I "accidentally" clip him and put his family out of their misery.

You know, I have been looking over the subjects of my recent posts and I now realize that I really need Hurricane Wilma to decimate some region of the United States just so I can have something relevant to write about. I mean, I came very close to discussing how distracted I was by that brunette chick on "How I Met Your Mother" cleavage was so distracting that I almost had to rewatch the show . . . not to masturbate you sickos.

Sure I could be writing about Plamegate, but I don't want to jump on that bandwagon completely just yet. My feeling is that come November there will be plenty of shit tumbling down from that were I can discuss to the point were you're Garner-like sick of it. Speaking of Jennifer Garner, we're coming ever so close to a post exclusive dedicated to the fact that her and Amy Acker shared the screen at the same time in an episode of "Alias." In fact, if that does occur, that may very well be the last post for the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" because there is no way I will have anything ever to talk about again.

All right well I have successfully accomplished writing about pretty much nothing once again. Go Wilma!

Baptisms Will Get You Extra Credit

2005-10-17T00:39:00.000-05:00

I am extremely proud to report that key members of the Catholic church have taken to shooting massive amounts of opium and good things are happening as a result - namely exorcism classes.

From what I understand, the the Pontifical Academy Regina Apostolorum (I'll just be calling it Pon U. from this point forward, a Vatican recognized university, making a tad less scary that Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, is offering a course that is "intended to clear up misconceptions and understand what makes people turn to the occult." So they are basically learning why too much organized religion makes kids wear black and at the very least claim they are cutting themselves. The initial class, "Exorcism and Prayer of Liberation" featured lectures about liturgical and spiritual aspects of Satanism and problems related to exorcism. Among the things it did not deal with is how throwing blessed water on a clearly insane person doesn't do shit. They also got nowhere near fucking oneself with a crucifix.

According to Italian Bishop Andrea Gemma, the "devil's action is much more common than people may think." He claims to perform up to four exorcisms a week . . . mostly on youngsters. Please take the time to make up your own joke on how two fingers up the ass releases the badness.

For those of you worried that your youngster's rectum may feel the cold touch of priest finger, Rev. Gabriele Nanni, an exorcist and one of the lecturers has been kind enough to share his syllabus with the rest of the world. The Rev. claims there are four "widely accepted" signs of a demonic possession one should be on the watch for:

1) Speaking in unknown languages showing;
2) A disproportionate physical strength beyond one's natural capacity;
3) The repulsion to sacred things such as crucifix and prayers; and
4) Knowledge of events that have happened far away, in terms of times and places.

Curiously, you may witness the same effects in your youngsters after they have watched reruns of "Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters."

Because of this anamoly, the students that actually spent money on the course are given a ten point guide that helps a person recognized and prevent another person's interest in the occult. Unfortunately the article did not provide all ten of the points, but parents were warned to "monitor whether their children were wearing strange pendants or T-shirts, if they listen to loud music on their home stereos, or watch too many horror movies."

I think it would be wrong of me to make up the other points not listed given that I took a second to piss on the good Mandrell name, but I will tell you that you need to watch for butter consumption like a fucking hawk.

- MPH

My Name Is . . .

2005-10-14T18:45:00.000-05:00

"Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cause we're livin'. We're not dead. We're alive. If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're livin'. And you have to be livin' to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens, too. Like sometimes you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe. So bein' alive is kinda hard, too. But I think it's definitely better than being dead." - Randy "My Name is Earl"

It is shit like the quote above and the fact that watching the show is like watching checking in on my home town for a half hour is two of the reasons that I really dig the show "My Name is Earl." For those not hip to the premise, while hopped up of vicodin while in the hospital after being hit by a car after winning $100k in the lottery (he loses the ticket during the crash but gets it back miraculuosly after deciding to turn his life around), Earl discovers karma with the help of Carson Daly. He then decides to right every wrong that he ever did in his life such as stealing a car from a one legged woman. He is assisted by his marginally retarded brother and a hot Latina maid while his ex-wife attempts to take his money from him. It is fucking hilarious and can also teaches you a great lesson about life.

I was thinking about karma after my little surgical procedure and I began wondering if I needed to start being a better person. I decided that maybe I should step up and be a better man, so I too started making a list of the wrongs I did so that I could make up for them. Then the drugs wore off and I started bitching at myself for even fucking considering being a better person. I shit on better people and I had no desire to shit on myself. However, I still had that list and I realized that I had done some funny shit to people in my life and it was worth sharing. So here's what some of the things that, if I get brainwashed into finding Christ or something, I will have to atone for:

Telling a school chum that his little brother with a foot defect should live in a pond because he walked like a duck.

Pushing my sister's face into a plate full of spaghetti when we were little kids (That was wasteful).

While in a bad mood, telling an old man that made a lighthearted joke at my expense "whatever, you'll be dead soon anyway."

Asking an alleged one testicled friend if his recently deceased senile grandfather died because he mistook said missing testicle for an egg and choked on it.

Dropping one of my college friend on his head when I picked him up while we were drunk.

Continually stealing the markers from my Christian R.A. in my dorm.

Ruining a friend's buzz my making him run ten minutes on a treadmill after promising him that I would buy him more alcohol even though I knew the liqour store would be closed before he was even close to finishing the run.

Driving fast through an alley in a small town to run down bunnies so that I could bet "points"

Turning off the power to a dorm mate's room while he was in the middle of a big paper

Defaming James Taylor, President George Bush, Trevin Skeens, Bill O'Reilly, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, the cast of "Head of the Class," and Jesus.

Hell may not have enough rooms for me.

- MPH

Tricked

2005-10-12T18:17:00.000-05:00

While driving through my neighborhood tonight while driving home I discovered that in a couple of weeks I may have to kill myself. I was tipped off to this unpleasant news by all of the Halloween decorations that I saw adorning my neighbor's yards. That is when I realized that little fucking kids would be coming to my door a couple of weekends from now and begging for individually wrapped candy bars and shit. Seriously, I would rather face death then even attempt to ignore these little fuckers that think playing on the street is a smart idea.

However, I realized that I faced death yesterday with my surgery and I lost despite some major begging and pleading with the doctor just to "accidentally" end it all when I was under. Since God doesn't want to hear my pleas for death, I just know he's going to find a way to keep me alive for Halloween and make sure that my ass isn't doing anything at all that weekend. So I guess I will have to entertain these little fuckers for a moment or two on the last weekend of the month . . . sort of. A kid must meet one of the following criteria in order to get my delicious candy:

1) Be dressed like the very much alive Lee Marvin

2) Be able to sing the chorus to Fiona Apple's "Paper Bag"

3) Have a hot mom

4) Be willing to club a box of kittens

5) Be dressed as a character from the American version of "The Office"

6) Not have someone with them big enough to punch me for being a dick to their kid.

7) Be dressed as Snuffleupagus after he shit himself.

8) Have a hot sister that is old enough to go to the bars after ditching the damn kid

9) Be dressed as any character from "The Facts of Life"

10) Be Black or Pakastani so that I can feel like I sort of did something for disaster survivors.

I am a holiday person.

- MPH

Bring the Pain

2005-10-10T17:34:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go under the knife . . . okay the ultrasound thing-a-ma-bob to deal with thos pesky stones that have taken up residence in my kidney and refuse to play "Angie" no matter how long I chant for it and hold up that damn lighter. They're fuckers, each an last one of them.

If I survive the experience, which is unfortunately likely, my hope is that I am interviewed about the traumatic experience on morning television then asked to sing . . . poor Olivia Newton John. Poor Olivia Newton John? This surgery has got me off my game. I am glad she had to bust out "Physical" after crying on and on about her missing boyfriend. That way she could remember she isn't getting any because her boy and her boy's dick are currently shark food or some shit. Much better.

Despite the surgery, my week is destined to be better than Karl Rove's who is scheduled to go up before the grand jury for the fourth time regarding PlameGate. Apparently there are discrepancies in his prior testimony that need to be ironed out. I find this peposterous - Dubya's boys have a proven history of saying the wrong thing each and every time with few mistakes, so long as Rummy stays out of the, uh, well rum. Let the chants start now - FREE KARL! FREE KARL!.

What the fuck was that? I am certainly off my game - I am only a Republican on the weekends. Last I heard Monday was only part of the weekend in Crawford, Texas. Anyway, in case you think I think otherwise Karl Rove sucks. Now I am back on right footing again.

While I am on the topic of assholes, lets talk about that nine year old kid that swam from Alcatraz to San Fransico to raise money for hurricane relief. This kid is a fucking prick, swimming for hurricane relief that is old and broken and massive Pakistani earthquake is the new hotness. I mean there's like billions dead there and only black people dead here. Get some perspective child. Really, they should all be dead - the kids . . . not the black people . . . don't want them killing me.

I will be back on Wednesday and I just might be on pain meds. That will make things interesting.

- MPH

Time Bomb

2005-10-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

There is an extremely great reason why I am posting this at 11:38 p.m. I am fucking scared out of my ass right now. I mean first off you have this bird flu which basically prevents you from going outside because you never know when a duck is going to come up and lick you. However, you can't go inside and hiding from licking ducks because there is a good chance that the room you're cowering in fear in has a bomb in it. It's fucked I tell you. Massively fuck.

Really, all this puts my whole RAH invasion to shame. Even the most drugged out nutcase couldn't have thought that birds and bombs would tag team up to take out the United States.

One thing that bothered me about the whole bombing thing was how quickly the federal government sort snickered at the fact that New York City may have overreacted to the subway no-go. You would think that after HurKat Dubya and the boys would be thrilled that a local government got off their asses at the first hint of trouble. But the Prez and his boys decided not to commend NYC for not wanting to get fucked again. Instead they just tried to discount the security concerns - a day after Bush gave an empassioned speech about fighting terror and defending good and babies and all kinds of other cute shit.

I truly love this administration. They always find a fresh way to be a dick.

All right, I am hearing crows out in my backyard and a ticking sound . . . which could be my watch but I don't feel like taking chances. If you need me I will in my crawlspace.

- MPH

One Flu in a Cuckoo's Nest

2005-10-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

This is CNN . . . we are about to spend the day scaring the shit out of you.

Anybody that watched or listened to the news channel that Larry King built may have noticed to words pop up oh about every three minutes: AVIAN FLU!

According to Mr. King, Mr. Cooper, Mr. Blitzer, Mrs. Zahn, and Mr. and Mrs. O'Brien birds are going to cough on each and every human being in the world and kill 50% of them some time in the next few days or maybe five years from now. Apparently we are due for or already overdue for another pandemic one that will make the great flu outbreak of 1918 look like a fraternity circle jerk on a large cookie. The old and young and people that get in the way of my shotgun will all die horrible birdlike deaths.

Thankfully our government is there to quell the liberal media's attempts to see how much fucking piss can come out of one's body. The director of Health and Human Services eased my mind by saying that this bird flu shit is basically like AIDS and cancer combined expect more leathal. Dubya then chimed in about wanting to go all "Outbreak" on our asses if something does come up and having soldiers come to your home and remind you at gunpoint to try and not go anywhere else to die. Then there is our old friend Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama who brought a smile to my face when he said that America is not equipped to deal with a pandemic right now and we are Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsofucked.

Remember back a long time ago when I recommended that you kill all your cats. Well fuck that. Keep those cats alive, but keep them hungry. We need things that can kill a whole lot of birds really quit. Sure after all that carnage all that will end up happening is that the cats will be able to transmit the flu - then people, by all means, kill all your cats.

Also, the problem currently seems to be located in China and Southeast Asia. This means one thing - Steph you can't come by here again until we are certain that no birds have spread their nastiness on you. And don't go throwing that "I'm an American" shit - you can come back as soon as I get the "all cool" sign. You can hang out at Pops' until this blows over or we all start dying and I need someone to talk to.

I really need to do something other than watch TV. Fucking CNN.

- MPH

Everybody Hates Harriet

2005-10-03T18:41:00.000-05:00

You would think that Dubya would learn his lesson about appointing cronie after he got a Brown-eye to the face in NOLA a month back. Thankfully we have an administration that prefers to think of early September as ten years ago and Clinton's problem. It's biz as usually on the 1600!

Well except that it isn't. The Prez's decision to appoint Miers to the highest court in the land not only pissed off some Democrats (but not as many as you would expect), but also bunched up some Conservative panties. Bunching the panties of any conservative is a feat - we all know how tight they keep their asses . . . can't be having those homosexuals just dropping in any time they want.

The Liberal's big issue is that the chick doesn't have the experience to be in "the show," so to speak. Miers has never been a judge in her life. She did run the Texas lottery commission though, so she knows how to keep the little man from earning enough money to actually sue someone and therefore help the SC make any tough decisions. Her history will the Prez also indicates that she would blow a goat for him if he asked (which he may have done back in the boozing days).

The Conservative's big issue is that she does not appear to be someone that will finish what Katrina started and send us all back to a time when Indians roamed the land without the worry of the white man or virulent blankets . . . . but with more whites and less, lets just call them African Indians. There's also this little matter of donating $1,000 to Al Gore over a decade ago for his initial presidential campaign. To many conservatives this act was akin to pissing on baby Jesus. It also doesn't help that she appears to be the person that some Democrats wanted to get the nomination.

There is also this whole thing about her "judicial philosophy." Dubya says she has the "judicial philosophy" that will satisfy senators in a way that any "happy ending" could not. V.P. Roboto told Rush Limbaugh that Miers has the proper "judicial philosophy" out the ass. After having heard the term "judicial philosophy" from the two most powerful people the non-aqua covered United States, the media decided to latch on to "judicial philosophy" and run with it. Expect to hear it around 3,000 times in the next twenty-four hours.

In my humble opinion, if people from both sides are complaining about the selection, then it is probably the right choice. This also means that there will probably be a bitter battle over her nomination and I am hankering for real political hyperbole made to sound like a question. I also want to hear the word abortion over and over again.

- MPH

The Week That Was . . . Last Week

2005-09-30T00:52:00.000-05:00

The worst thing about taking time off is that you miss the opportunity to talk about the major news of that period while it is fresh. Fortunately, I could give a fuck whether a story worth commenting on is fresh or stale, so here's my thoughts on some of the important shit that occurred while life took me away from you, my awesomely foolish readers who did not abandon me when you had the chance.

Lets start off with the big story from last week, Hurricane Rita. Did anyone else get the impression that Rita was just like sister of an abused woman vying for the attention of her parents who are caring a little too much for Ms. "Took a Left Hook and Got Her Jaw Broken"? Really it was pretty pathetic and it took our journalist away from numerous opportunities to exploit the plight of HurKat survivors. For shame Rita, for shame.

Perhaps more shocking than comparing Hurricane Rita to the envious sister of an abuse woman is the fact that Rebecca Romijn has agreed to marry the star of "My Secret Identity" and "Sliders" Jerry O'Connell. Kids this is definitive proof that roofies do work and that positive things can result from their use. Way to go Jerry!

However, if the federal government has their way, teenagers won't be able to gossip about the exploits of RebJer on their cell phones while driving. Figuring that those little peckers are dangerous enough behind the wheel, the government wants to ban kids from getting their speak on while crusing down the highway. I spoke to one teen about the incident and this is what she had to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phones and keys.

Now that teens can't talk on their cell phones 24/7 they naturally have to turn to drugs. This concerns one Dutch talk show host who plans on raising awareness by doing smack and LSD on the air. Please be mindful that what he is raising awareness of is that with that many pissed off teens on the street, sweet, sweet drugs is the only thing that will make things right again. Seriously people - do drugs.

The healing process has begun - strip clubs have reopened in NOLA.

Unfortunately a bunch of horny old people want get to enjoy that healing process because the bus they were on got all blowed up and a bit hot.

Finally my favorite story from last week - "Dance-Off Erupts Into Street Brawl."

The headline says alot, but doesn't really give do justice to the whole story. According to reports, a drill team called "The Dynamic Steppers" were practicing routines (aka busing phat moves) when members of another dance "drill" team, the "White Tigers," showed up and challenged them to a "dance-off." What occurred next would have made the writer of "The Warriors" proud. Once it appeared that the White Tigers were getting served, one older woman decided the best thing to do was take hit a 17 year old Dynamic Stepper in the face with a drumstick. This prompted the teen, who was a former White Tiger to cold cock the bitch and then get into his car and attempt to run over people. While the kid was attempting to run down people, his mother, a coach for the Dynamic Steppers, came up with a box cutter and sliced the lady that assaulted her son's arm.

This is fucking awesome. I am so proud that after all the bullshit America has been put through that we can go and make some proper violence amongst one another. Bravo!

One week down and I am not dead. Lets try for another.

- MPH

Stone Free . . . Sort of.

2005-09-28T17:40:00.000-05:00

Stone free post that is - there's just too much big news to comment on right now for me to continue bitching and moaning about my pain and suffering and shit.

Lets start out with the big news of the day . . . . Amy Acker will be guest starring on "Alias" some time next month. This of course means the two main objects of my obsession the Acker and the Garner will be on the same screen at the same time. This also means that I can finally finish my thesis (and reference an obscure Jeremy Piven vehicle). Honestly though, if the stones don't kill me (okay 98% stone free post - fuck off), trying to wrap my head around those pretty little things sharing screen time just fucking might. That being said, I have already circled each Thursday in October and declared each one the greatest day of my life.

While we are roaming around Garnerdom, lets talk about how that fornicating with the Affleck only makes you stupider. Recent examples of this trend include J-Lo's music career and every movie Gwyneth Paltrow has done since "Shakespeare in Love," and Matt Damon in "The Brother Grimm." The Garner wing to the Affleck Museum of Moronicity began last night when the lovely Ms. Garner accidently blurted out the sex of her child which she had just said she was trying to keep secret. At the time I did not think this was a big deal, but then again I was thinking about how hot she was despite having that infection in her uterus. It was not until today when every news outlet decided to make this a story that I realized I had witnessed history.

Before moving on to the news of the day, let me just say that given my current state, I really sympathize with former FEMA Director/current FEMA consultant Mike "Brownie" Brown. I too know what is like to be dealing with two dysfunctional parties during a time of crisis. I mean my kidneys are currently trying to fuck me up the ass just as the new fall TV season has begun. The constant pissing from drinking a bunch of water and phone calls from concerned friends and family has created a back log on my TV show that might take me months to get through.

Also, like Brownie, I am not taking blame for these kidney stones. Sure I have made some specific mistakes that contributed to the problem like drinking an obscene amount of Mountain Dew and basically eating everything that helps cause kidney stones, but the whole ordeal is not my fault really. As I have already said, my dysfunctional kidneys need to take a share of the blame. They were right there when this all was going down and did nothing to stop it. There are also people above me to blame - my parents and God, if you want me to be specific. I mean, it was my parents intermixing genes that ultimately left me with traits that invited the stones into my piss tanks. And God, if he actually exists, invented the damn things. They are all fuckers. (All right so the post is 78% stone free - go fuck yourselves while fucking off).

Speaking of fuckers, lets get a little Delayed before we close this mutha out. Tommy Boy has been indicted in Texas for violating political fundraising laws. As a result, the House Majority Leader now has to step aside and let someone else fuck with Americans daily, nightly, and ever so wrongly.

DeLay did not take the indictment the grace and suave that one expects from him. While declaring his innocence he called the Democratic prosecutor handling the case "unabashed partisan zealot" and a "rogue district attorney" and closed with "partisan fanatic." He also called his indictment "one of the weakest, most baseless indictments in American history. It's a sham." I agree, this indictment ranks right up there with the indictments of thousands of African Americans in the south who were doing awful things like trying to vote or just be treated like a human being. What a douche.

The grand jury foreman must have shared my last sentiment, well that's at least the impression I get from this statement, "Ronnie Earle (that bastard prosecutor) didn't indict him. The grand jury indicted him." Thankfully, DeLay has the support of the White House, which is currently full of people that Americans just want to hug.

All right, I am starting to get back in the groove. Barring medical funny business or bigger news I will be back on Friday to talk about things like a dance off that turned extremely violent and UFO land strips in Puerto Rico. I wish that were just a throw away line.

- MPH

Back and Not Any Better

2005-09-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

Game on.

When we last left the blog lovingly referred to as “Heightened Thoughts” MPH was telling those still stupid enough be reading the shit he spews out that computer problems and health problems were forcing him to shut down operations for a week. We will now pick up one week later after the announcement.

Well my loyal readers, things are still fucked up. My computer is still being repaired and my health problem is still lingering. Stop crying kids, repairs to my computer are nearly complete and it should be back on it’s feet by Wednesday. As for good ole’ MPH, well that is a different story.

Here’s the long and short of I, for the second (and likely not the last time) in my life I am dealing with the fun that is kidney stones. For those of you that have never had to deal with this malady – they suck. For those of you that have had to deal with this malady – they suck. I discovered that the stones were coming back into town last Monday when the first thing that I did that morning was piss blood. Other than the crimson urine, so far I have actually had minimal pain, but sooner rather than later the shit is going to hit the fan.

I am not helping matters that much either. My professional and personal schedule was loaded last week and is loaded this week. Some of the things cannot be rescheduled and some of the things can. However, I have chosen not to mess with all that shit and hope that the little bastard in my kidney behaves. In all likelihood I will be having minor surgery next week. This means that next week I could be posting while hyped up on vicodin! That should be interesting since the last time I was on heavy pain medication I saw bears jumping from hilltop to hilltop.

Since finding out that my kidney has conspired with visiting calcium deposits to roger me in an interesting new way I have been drinking bottled water like a NOLA resident who has been up on a roof for eight days. I have also been doing as little as possible beyond work which has done wonders for my television viewing. I highly recommend watching My Name is Earl, How I Met Your Mother, Threshold, and Bones if you have not had the opportunity.

The plan is to post regularly this week (and by regularly I mean every other day). This plan could change quite abruptly though so don’t be surprised if I disappear for a day or two.

Finally, I would like to thank you for all the hateful comments. A special thanks goes out to HFB who came back for the dead to keep popping up and emitting bile. Feel free to continue to do so if it felt good.

- MPH

A Whiter Shade of Pale

2005-09-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

Well fuck.

The perfect storm of computer problems and a minor health issue is likely going to prevent me from posting for the remainder of the week. Worry not my people - my computer will be a-okay. I might just make it out alive as well.

My hope is get back into the game later this week, but I am not certain that is going to be able to happen. I am pretty certain that I will be making my triumphant return next Monday.

I bet you're all wanting to know what minor ailment is taking good ole' MPH out of action for a week. All I can say is that all will be explained when I return. I will also say that it is nothing serious so no tears.

Nain I will fulfill your request for a post Emmy review before signing off for the time being:

Shit, shit, shit, shit, Kristen Bell's stomach, shit, shit, shit, shit, holy shit, "Lost."

And now I must say good-bye. Rather than leaving well wishes, I kindly ask that you say something you don't like about me in the comments.

- MPH

It's Never Too Early to Review the Emmy Awards

2005-09-16T17:18:00.000-05:00

Lets see, the Emmys begin approximately 50 hours from now. Lets get started with the review:

You can really tell that Jeremy Piven is having trouble carrying "Entourage." His choking presenter Gary Sinise to death with his own hairpiece after Gary said "lets hug it out, bitch" was totally uncalled for.

The death of Gary Sinise did not get the show started on a wrong foot though, that honor belonged to the Shatnerific version of the Star Trek theme which was part of the worst idea ever recorded "Emmy Idol."

Speaking of Emmy Idol, so many talented people are wasting themselves with this shit. That means only one thing - a good crop of cocaine made its way to Hollywood this year.

Ellen just poured a forty for all her dead, gay homies in NOLA - that was sweet.

That a girl Eva Longoria, show you're not pissed about being the only one of the "Housewives" not nominated by dressing like a whore.

Yet another black eye for the Emmys this year, Best Supporting Actress winner Tyne Daly died after eating her award.

Five people just clapped when the mentioned Oliver Platt from "Huff." It's nice to see that the show decided to treat all of its viewers to the festivities.

So far too much Marcia Cross cleavage and not enough Patricia Heaton cleavage.

I was shocked that Megan Mullally called the crowd a bunch of no talent kikes when she and Donald Trump were booed off the stage during their rendition of the "Green Acres" theme. I thought she say fucking kikes.

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama - Naveen Andrews. And at once all the TV's in the red states changed channels.

Actually there hasn't been enough Terri Hatcher cleavage either. I guess the network figures they'll get enough of that when she wins best comedic actress for the drama that she stars in.

Kristen Bell - theme from "Fame" - erection.

Bell's your obvious winner unless they give it to the black people singing "Moving On Up" to make up for the mistakes made during Hurricane Katrina.

Zach Braff wins Best Comedic Actor in a Comedy Series for his work on "Garden State." Jason Bateman weeps.

"Desperate Housewives" wins Best Comedy Series despite being a drama. The makers of "Scrubs" and "Arrested Development" weep.

Ian McShane "cock sucking motherfucked" his way to a win and all he did most of last season was piss and talk to an Indian head. That's talent kids.

So "Lost" is awesome. So is "Deadwood." Ditto for "24." "Six Feet Under" sucks and so does "West Wing." Guess which series tied for Best Dramatic Series.

And the winner of Emmy Idol is . . . . the fans because it was such a good idea.

- MPH

On The Fourth Day You Get Lesbians

2005-09-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

Literally up until one minute ago I had nothing to write about today. I know you people are all wet over the fact that I am giving you five days straight of good lovin', but damn it's hard getting back into this grind after being away for awhile. The best part of writing every other day is that you have two days of news to discuss. This day to day shit literally only gives you hours worth of shit. Do you know how little can happen in only a few hours?

Thankfully a wonderful government survery was released today that gave me enough fodder to at least provide you with a meager post. Although how can you call anything meager when it is chock full of lesbian goodness?

According to a survey conducted by the CDC, more women, particularly chicks in their late teens and twenties (the nubile years), experiment with bisexuality or at least feel more comfortable reporting same-sex encounters. Ten years ago in a similar survey, only four percent of women ages 18-59 stated that they had at least one sexual experience with another woman. Now eleven and half percent of women ages 18 - 44 say they have gone muff diving at least once in their life. Allow me to add a little more heat by saying women in their late teens and early twenties response to this question rose from six percent to fourteen percent in the last ten years.

So what does this mean? Well, first and foremost, I think I need to go get my masters in something because if these percentages are correct, college parties are off the hook these days. This also means that I would rather spend time watching women make out rather than find a female for myself (they are very scary some times). Which then means I am pretty pathetic. However, I don't care - which means I have come to terms with my loserdom so bring on the chicks.

Now the article had all kind of stuff about the survey that was sciencey and shit, but what you really need to know is that some of these women are referred to as LUG's aka "lesbians until graduation." Why do you need to know this? Well because the term is awesome. It also implies that there are women out there that after four years of gayness they'll convert to ungayness and turn on their men by talking about their gayness which will lead to more babies being made. It's a new twist on the circle of life that I think everyone can get behind.

The study also showed the men are not as willing to talking about having same sex relationships or bisexuality. The number one reason given for this by guys is because they think surveys are gay.

Speaking of gay, I am certain that Ellen! will come up tomorrow when I review the Emmy Awards. Until then feel free to share your love for bisexuality at www.popsbucket.blogspot.com.

- MPH

The Dry Hump of Mediocrity

2005-09-14T18:16:00.000-05:00

I really wish I had something to write about that adequately went with the title I have for today's post, but I don't. So why don't I just change the title? Well that is a good question . . . one that I will not answer because, well I just don't give a fuck.

As you can see this the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" and good ole' MPH is happy to be writing for the third day straight.

Yesterday HurKat blew in again and destroyed any hope of me posting about the things that truly keep this world going - people doing weird shit and the animals effected. Today I am going to completely ignore that pressing matter as well as every other pressing matter to talk about cat fuel among other things.

Before we get to cat fuel, lets talk about the cat's natural enemy, those harbingers of disease, the rat. For decades, the city New Delhi, India, which is known for its human cleanliness and general love of non-fecal mattered sidewalks, has been protected from rat infestations by the Rat Surveillance Department (really). Of course by "protected" I mean not doing jack shit for ten years. Currently there are 97 individuals on the government payroll charged with catching rats. For the last decade there has not been one recorded incident of rat imprisonment. This does not mean that rats are nowhere to be found. In fact, they are so prevalent that the little fuckers probably sleep in the shoes of the workers paid to get rid of them.

Given that the Rat Surveillance Department is essentially New Delhi's FEMA, it is not surprising when the government played dumb when questioned about their people's poor response to a growing, lice infested problem. One official did say that when complaints are made, traps are set up. He then went on to say that he can't remember the last time traps were set. This officially makes him the biggest dumbass in the Eastern Hemisphere at the moment.

Actually that might not be true, the people of Croatia might give this fucker a run for his money on dumbassery. People there are currently fascinated with an online reality show starring sheep. In case you didn't read that correctly I said starring sheep. Fans of the show watch sheep do sheep things then vote of the sheep out. The sheep that gets voted out might get eaten. The sheep that wins the whole shebang will "receive poetry in its honor."

Actually, now that I think about it some more, I cannot tell if this idea is pure shit or pure genius.

There is one thing that I know is pure genius and that is cat fuel. According to one German newspaper an inventor has created a new kind of organic fuel made up of "garbage, run-over cats, and other ingredients." Now before going further, I am obliged to state that the dude is adamantly denying the story, but who am I to take the truth into account when you have the opportunity to say cat fuel over and over.

One of the things I wonder is if you're already using garbage and squashed cats, what in the hell could those other ingredients be? The only thing I can think of that might be worse than run over cat is after birth. So I am here to officially proclaim after birth as the third mystery ingredient.

Well I don't think I can go any lower right now so I am going to end things here. Tomorrow something and Friday the first review of this year's Emmy Awards.

- MPH

What I Meant By One More Time Was . . .

2005-09-13T18:11:00.000-05:00

Uh . . . .

Well . . . .

He . . . .

I mean . . . I had this whole post about India Rat Catching Department not catching a rat for ten years and . . . and then he . . . Dubya said this:

"To the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility."

I honestly don't know what to say. I thought that he had that word stricken from the English language the moment he took office. I thought he had "I didn't do it" tatooed on his ass right under "Freedom is on the march." Seriously folks, am I dreaming? Did the Prez just say "my bad"?

I need moment here . . . . to shelve the faux shock and get out the cynicism machine.

Much like the show "Lost" where numbers play a large role in the actions of the survivors on the island, numbers probably are dictating Dubya's actions as well. Actually one number specifically is calling the shots and that number is 39. At this moment, only 39% of the American public feels that the Prez is doing a good job. To put it another way, 61% of the American public thinks our President sucks right now.

Now how to go about regaining the approval of the American public? Well forcing the dumbass that contributed to the chaos in NOLA helps. As does owning up to making mistakes yourself. That alone might just get him back over forty percent. However, if he wants his approval ratings to go any higher he will need to either pull the U.S. out of Iraq or dance around in a gorilla suit during a prime time news conference. Since the Prez has already said again that he would not set a time table for pulling out troops, it looks like the gorilla suit is the only option left. I hope that he is happy at 42%.

Dubya wasn't satisfied with telling the world that he fucked up. He also wanted to make it clear that we're fucked. In response to a question regarding whether the U.S. is prepared to respond another terrorist attack, the Prez said:

"Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government."

To put that in layman's terms, he said "No." Allow me to remind you he is saying "no" after establishing a department specifically to handle these issues. Fucking terrific huh?

I promise the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" is going HurKat free for the rest of the week. There are other more important things to talk about - like those non-rat catching rat catchers and the genius that is the new show "Reunion."

This and more as my limited time only return to daily posting continues tomorrow.

- MPH

One More Time

2005-09-12T02:40:00.000-05:00

I thought I would start this week of daily posting by providng you, my lovely readers with the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" final thoughts on HurKat.

It has taken me awhile to see this, but I think I have finally discovered the true victims of this disaster. The true victims are not the people of New Orleans or Bumfuck Mississippi. No the true victims are every other fucking news story that occurred over the past two weeks. This includes the death of a Supreme Court justice and the fourth anniversary of 9/11 for Christ's sake. No one gave these stories the true love they deserved. Those people on their roofs in NOLA truly don't know the meaning of abandonment. Sure they're hungry and homeless and shit, but they got the first eight minutes of "The Situation Room" nightly. When I weep over this incident, it is those news stories that were forgotten that I weep for . . . sigh.

I noticed that Dubya chose 9/11 to visit New Orleans once again. My sources tell me that he considered returning where the World Trade Center once stood again but his daughters told him that hurricane destruction was the new hotness and that WTC rubble was very tired. The Prez had no clue what his daughters were talking about but decided they were good people so their analysis must be spot on. It should be noted though that before seeing overseeing the restoration of the Confederate flag that Trent Lott kept in his second den, Dubya did take time out to get his picture taken at a flooded New Orleans fire station.

Perhaps the most shocking news of the past few days is that the White House actually yanked FEMA Director Mike Brown from the area. It is totally against type for these guys. He certainly fucked up, but when you think about it he really didn't fuck up enough to get what he got. I mean, several others fucked up so much that they created a whole new level of chaos in a country and nothing really happened to them. Mike Brown only shat upon like two and half states and his plug is pulled (something we know this administration goes to great lengths to avoid). Dubya should've shown the patience to let Brown's fuck ups cause gas prices to rise above $6.00 per gallon which in turn would cause people to slaughter one another in the streets before taking such action.

Thankfully Homeland Security is now more directly involved in the situation. They have even created a color coded chart showing the levels of improvement in New Orleans. Right now NOLA is in putrid green/brown. The government is hoping to have that to yellowish/brown by next week. After that you got yellow with brown specks. Next is just brown. After that you got blue . . . my sources say that blue is a pipe dream.

Okay, so I am going to close this post down now. I will be back . . . fuck . . . tomorrow with something pretty uninteresting.

- MPH

The Blame Game

2005-09-09T01:52:00.000-05:00

My blogging this week was similar to the government's response to Katrina's puddles of love - fairly non-existent. Unlike the federal government, I refuse to take the "high road" and not play the blame game. There are a lot of fuckers that are at fault for my not being the best I can be.

First off, I have to blame Scott Baio. This man who in charge of my days, nights, wrongs, and rights throughout the late 1980's has decided to pop up again in one of the greatest places ever. He will be guest-starring on an episode of "Arrested Development" this season. In fact, I believe that episode will also feature Charlize Theron. When you are handed a Baio-Theron sandwich how in fuck can you concentrate on any other shit? You simply can't. So Scott Baio is partly responsible for my recent suckitude.

Secondly, I have to blame the many "hold outs" (which is a kind way of saying fucking dumbasses) in New Orleans who are not standing by their guns (literally) and staying in their dead body and shit invested water log of a city. Oh, they want food and they want water and they want shelter. Come the fuck on! Go back to looting and shooting and make this whole hurricane/flooding/poor response/rioting thing fun again. Really folks, this event jumped the shark when attention was turned to that six year old that cared for five younger children. We all know that when you bring a kid in this late in the game that your tragedy isn't hip anymore. All this flip flopping reminds me of that Kerry guy I spoke so kindly off a year ago then got royally fucked by. Hence the suckitude.

Thirdly, I have to blame Brent. That whole big balled raccoon thing was alright, but that damn Asian kid just fucks my shit up.

Fourth, I have to blame the start of the new Fall TV Season and football season. Me loves me some fresh TV and fresh football. This year is particularly bad as I have many shows that I am interested in competing against each other. I can't be wasting my time blogging when I am trying to figure out how to watch "Alias", "Survior", Joey (fuck you I am giving it three episodes to show me something), and "Everybody Hates Chris" all the same time. Plus I have four fantasy football teams and they really need my attention. So TV and football are fucking my shit up as well.

Finally, I probably have to blame myself a little bit. I am so awesome that some times I get so caught up in myself that the hours just drift away. I am just so great . . . . . . . . where was I?

Anyway, to make up for being a douche this week I am, for one week only, post daily next week. I cannot think of a worse punishment.

- MPH

Good Thing Nothing's Happened Since Friday

2005-09-08T00:02:00.000-05:00

Miss me? I would love to say that I missed you, but that would be disrespectful to the attention I gave all those whores.

Nothing would make me happier than discussing each of the major issues of the day (and the day before that and so on and so on) but we all know that the writer of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" doesn't like to be happy. In order to keep up appearances I am just going to expel random crassness and snide remarks about just about everything all the major news that has traumatized America since I last graced you with my presence. Enjoy the spewage:

Does anyone else find it ironic that Dubya calls FEMA Director Michael Brown "Brownie"?

If Mike Myers didn't piss himself a bit while standing next to a ranting Kanye West then he is perhaps the bravest man to ever live.

Is your dick limp because your approval rating is down and your people grossly mismanaged relief efforts in the Gulf Coast? Well then dip one Rehnquist into the ground and your legacy will be going hard and strong for the next twenty to thirty years!

Warning: Dipping Rehnquist into the ground may be harmful to expectant mothers considering a trip to an abortion clinic. In some cases dipping Rehnquist into the ground cause Jesus Christ to invade your high school, government lobby, and bedroom.

For those of you that decided to escape the horrors of war and floods by seeing "The Transporter 2" I hope you die next.

If you want my full take on "Emmy Idol" stay tuned for my review of the September 18th review of the Emmy Awards on September 16th. However, since I am a fucking swell guy here's a preview: Kristen Bell - theme for "Fame" - erection.

And finally . . .

Does anyone else find it ironic that Bob Denver died during a time when a storm royally fucked up so many lives?

- MPH

Live From New Orleans It's . . . . Water . . . Lots and Lots of Water

2005-09-02T12:21:00.000-05:00

After watching the news for the past several days and wasting about two hours either displaying sympathy for or bitching about this whole hurricane thing, I decided the best thing for me to do on this Labor Day weekend was to drive down to New Orleans and be as big as impediment as possible. Not that I really want to be an impediment, but come on what good can I really do down there? I am certainly not going to let others climb up on me to avoid rising waters.

Here is my travel journal:

5:00 p.m.: Leave home.

5:02 p.m.: While traveling down highway see that gas prices have gone above $3.00.

5:03 p.m.: Do an illegal u-turn through the median and go back home.

5:05 p.m.: Re-enter house and turn on TV.

5:27 p.m.: Get the great idea to let the hurricane suffering come to me.

5:30 p.m.: See that "MTV's That '70's House" is on - decide to hold off on hurricane to me idea.

5:56 p.m.: My favorite to win "That '70's House" Sarah is eliminated. Desperation knocks for the first time.

6:00 p.m.: See that "Survivor: The Austrailan Outback" is on.

6:07 p.m.: See how hot Elisabeth looks while emanciated, decide that's hurricane enough for now.

6:54 p.m.: Nick eliminated. The black man can't get any help in the outback either.

7:00 p.m.: Nothing worth watching on. Get back to hurricane to me idea.

7:03 p.m.: Plug all the drains in home, start running water.

7:05 p.m.: Knock of hot water heater valve - water begins spewing everywhere.

7:10 p.m.: Notice that a really good episode of "Seinfeld" is on -wished I had held off on idea.

7:30 p.m.: Half foot of water standing in kitchen. Decide to order pizza.

7:31 p.m.: Pizza dude tells me pizza will be delivered in an hour. Desperation sets in.

8:00 p.m.: Pizza I ordered arrives, delivery man swept away by water when I opened my door.

8:01 p.m.: Water takes pizza man to the street where he is run over by a car. First victim of the disaster.

8:07 p.m.: Confirm that pizza was under cooked. Desperation starts building camp in my brain.

8:45 p.m.: Water now up to my knees.

9:00 p.m.: I take a piss in the water. Concern over disease immediately sets in.

9:30 p.m.: Hunger pangs force me to loot fridge. Make off with half eaten baked potato and a bottle of mustard.

10:00 p.m.: Water up to waist. Realize I can't sit in recliner without drowning. Decide to make it to roof.

10:09 p.m.: Make it to garage which is not yet been overcome by water. Grab ladder and head outside.

10:10 p.m.: Notice how peaceful and dry neighborhood is while outside setting up ladder.

10:12 p.m.: Make it half way up the ladder and realize I forgot arsenal to fend off looters.

10:15 p.m.: Re-enter garage and grab shotgun and shells.

10:20 p.m.: Realize I did not bring a TV up to the roof with me. Desperation begins kicking my ass.

10:40 p.m.: Planes from nearby airport fly over. Fire shots into the air to get their attention.

10:42 p.m.: Neighbors step outside and begin to bitch. Mr. Shotgun shuts them up.

10:50 p.m.: Police arrive to, I believe, loot my beer. Me and Mr. Shotgun have other ideas.

10:53 p.m.: Police point a litany of guns at me. Desperation escapes through my bladder.

11:00 p.m.: Rescued at gun point.

Well, no more making fun of those people now that I have lived their life. I am taking Monday off to try to explain to my insurance carrier why everything in my home has been destroyed.

- MPH

Getting Blown Away

2005-08-31T12:17:00.000-05:00

"Not sure how to react to this. My mind is going to fucking explode.

You...Caring....For others. I care too. I agree. Just awful.

Now, please, please....Go back to being your oxymoronical self." - G.D.

Well at least one person would rather me not give as much of a fuck as I did on Monday and I am weak enough to sway to such a whim, so today I bring the pain - hurricane style.

I ask that you now please enclose all domestic animals in a closet or washer for their own safety.

While I do think is sad that people lost their lives in New Orleans because of Katrina, I am not torn up over each and every death because some of these dumbfucks deserved it. If everybody is screaming "get the fuck out of here," then get the fuck out there. Deciding to weather the storm when you know you live below sea level and you know that some shit is coming at you heavy is possibly the greatest feat of stupidity ever recorded. Those people currently stranded on their roofs because they decided to remain by choice need to be shot or at the very least left there for a few more days to marinate in what now has to be the toxic and shitty water overcoming every inch of their home. Then when they are rescued, they should be shot.

I will give the citizens of Mississippi a bit of a pass. Many knew they were going to be hit, but they did not expect to take on the full wrath of the hurricane. Part of the blame for the lives lost in Mississippi should go to all the news channels that scrambled to New Orleans and made it sound like no other fucking place was going to get fucked. Remember, we are talking about red state southerners - they believe everything said of Fox News and when Geraldo is getting all hot and bothered about New Orleans and New Orleans alone it is understandable that everyone else thought they were safe.

One thing I can't tolerate at all is the looting. All those people are fucks. Sure, some of them are only taking things they need to survive like food, water, and medicine - but those peoples are dumbasses for not stocking up on the shit beforehand. Scratch that, they are actually dumbasses for not getting the hell out of there and stocking up on the shit at some location nowhere fucking near the coast. For those looters that are taking several pairs of jeans or trashcans full of beer, I hope the the continually rising water pays you a visit. Or that those prisoners that rioted break out, find you, and make you their bitch.

Before bringing this post to an end I want all of you to stand up and put your hands together for our President of the United States. On the day after a natural disaster caused catastrophic damage to a wide portion of the nation he governs, this great man cut his vacation short to return to the D.C. and focus on the storm damage. There are so many world leaders who, while on vacation, would get all panicky and rush to their base of operations days before a forecasted disaster strikes to act proactively. Not our Dubya, he'll vacation through the storm and take lead while the rubble is still fresh. Brav-fucking-o Mr. Prez. I salute you.

Well, I feel empty inside again. Things are back to normal.

- MPH

Show Us Your Tidals!!!!!

2005-08-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

By the time most of you read this post, Bourbon Street may be really watered down.

Yep, that wicked bitch Katrina is currently buggering New Orleans real good. It's a sad situation really, there are thousands upon thousands at the very least that have been evacuated and may never see their homes again. Even sadder, people will die. Even sadder than that, the size of the erections of the media and execs at "The Weather Channel" - this shit is their black gold. Even more sadder than that, all those politicians who are pissed that they went and got themselves elected last year without getting to pull the heart strings of those that lost at least their homes and possibly some loved ones.

People who had nowhere else to go, most invalids, were direct to the Louisana Super Dome. Fear not for these people, the Super Dome is where miracles happen. Case in point - Keith Smart's game winning shot during the waning seconds of 1987 NCAA Basketball Finals which secured a national championship for the Indiana Hoosiers.

All kidding aside, things are going to really, really suck for those people - it probably won't tsunami suck (not that CNN and MSNBC won't compare the situations (we all know Fox News is above that type of fucking shit)) - but it will suck nonetheless. Luckily there are some that are trying to keep people's spirits up, like Ivor van Heerden, deputy director of the Louisiana State University Hurricane Center. Below are some of the positive things he has had to say:

"All indications are that this is absolutely worst-case scenario!"*

"We're talking about in essence having — in the continental United States — having a refugee camp of a million people!"*

"We're talking about an incredible environmental disaster!"*

* Note: Exclamation marks added in a vain attempt to make dire statements seem a little bit positive

I don't feel up to continuing to make light of the situation, so I will close by saying that Heightened Jesus, Inc. will be making a donation to help the soon to be struggling people of the area regain a sense of stability again. That's right, we're donating all the beads we purchased during a post Fat Tuesday sale last year to the city so that Mardi Gras is a little less depressing next year.

We're just all heart.

- MPH

Dying To Get There

2005-08-26T12:21:00.000-05:00

So last Sunday I found myself watching the last fifteen minutes of "Six Feet Under" while waiting for the vastly superior "Entourage" to begin. I had watched the show up until this season despite feeling that the show was shit for the past two seasons. Although I knew this was the last season and I had heard promises that someone was going to die before the season ended (that someone was Nate - oh yeah, spoilers back there), I decided that I could not endure the pain that was that show any longer (though oddly I can stomach "MTV's That '70's House" - GO SARAH!).

Anyway, so I was waiting for some hot Kevin Dillon/Jeremy Piven action and rather than change the channel watched the series come to an end. For those of that don't know, the show ended with Claire going somewhere. As she drove, we were taken to the future and saw how each of the main characters died. For instance, the gay black man Keith was gunned down while working as an amored car driver and all the others died respectful deaths amongst family members, thus showing that even in the future being gay and black can only get you killed violently (oh yeah, spoliler back there).

I didn't think about the ending of that show all week, then yesterday I noticed that both Alex and G.D. has made their triumphant returns to the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" and I thought, well since the band is back together again after such a long time that I would flash us into the future and show how you, my lovely readers, all die.

Enjoy:

Steph: Finally shit out that kid at the ripe old age of 90, which was immediately followed by a massive heart attack.

G.D.: Virulent haiku.

Pops: Autoerotic asphyxiation with a llama.

Brent: Overdose on the rock band Asia

SJ: Her kids (should've drowned them in the tub when you had a chance)

Larry: Shoot out while robbing a massage parlor

HFB: Choked on a sandwich

Alex: Got lost moving for the thousandth time and eaten by rabid goats.

Digitalicat: Entered Honkey Town dressed like George Clinton - never seen again.

Margot: Speared by whale while protesting for Green Peace

Lab Boy: Aggressive drunken female rugby player sex.

Duff: Pulled into paper world while singing "Take On Me" - paper then destroyed when disgruntled co-worker sets office on fire.

Sandi: Set the wrong time on the pipe bomb.

All very sad ways to go, I must say. I bet that you would like to know when exactly your time is coming. Well if you pay me five thousand dollars a piece I will happily tell you. I look forward to receiving your cash.

- MPH

Let God Sort It Out

2005-08-24T18:02:00.000-05:00

Oh fuck people, I do believe that I have found God and I have Pat Robertson to thank for it.

How in the hell can I not embrace Christianity when it's leaders are making statements like this:

You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

"We have the ability to take him (Chavez) out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability . . . . We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

For those of you that do not avidly watch "The 700 Club" or read the news or attempt to exist in reality, I am of course talking about Mister Christian, Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on his program this past Monday. His statement was inflammatory, unncessary, and full of ignorance . . . it makes me want to give him a really big hug.

His statements were so bad that the White House, who could generally give a fuck about the kind of shit that their backers spew, quickly ran the fuck away from him. They were rather gentle though in the way that distanced themselves. Take, for instances, Don Rummy's statement on the matter: "Our department doesn't do that kind of thing. It's against the law. He's a private citizen. Private citizens say all kinds of things all the time."

At most, Rummy implied that Robertson, along with pretty everybody else not in the Dubya Adminstration was retarded (Sorry Margot - had to be said). At the very least, he avoided pissing off a major GOP contributor. Had that been Cindy Sheehan, I am pretty sure the phrase "dumb liberal bitch" would have at least been considered in drafts of statement about the issue.

Shockingly, some Venezuelans were a bit pissed about was Robertson had to say. Chavez himself blew off the comments, stating he had no clue who Robertson was and that he wanted instead to "talk about life." He must have meant life in the 1950's because he was in Cuba at the time visiting Fidel Castro and that country seems to be stuck in that decade.

Chavez's number two, Jose Vicente Rangel was much more pissy. He claimed that Robertson had a lot of influence in the country and that his "terrorist" statements "reveal that religious fundamentalism is one of the great problems facing humanity in these times." Yep, he basically called the Moral Majority a terrorist group. Rangel also said that his country was looking into legal action. If I were Robertson, I would take this as meaning hire extra security and sleep under your bed at night. Personally I am shocked, that anyone would dare claim that a Christian figurehead may be a terrorist . It is simply uncalled for and such a person should be dealt with appropriately.

Robertson was unable to immediately respond to Rangel's comments as he was locked in his bedroom and had been heavily medicated so as to ensure that he trap would be kept fucking shut. However, earlier today the drugs wore off and through the power of Jesus he was able to break through the door and proclaim that he was misinterpretted. People were wrong to believe that when Robertson said he wanted to take Chavez out that he meant he wanted the man assassinated, what he really meant was that he wanted Chavez kidnapped. Oh . . . . okay. Jesus don't did killing, but kidnapping is cool. Good to know.

The fun didn't end there. Robertson's handler soons caught up with him again and after pumping him up with some horse sedatives, carted him out on TV where he promptly apologized for saying he wanted Chavez dead:

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

So basically Robertson has made himself out to be a douche twice over. He's a douche for calling for the death of a man (who, yes is to put it nicely a U.S. hating motherfucker) under the veil of Christianity. He's also a douche for trying to spin his statement, realizing that didn't work, and then apologizing for it.

The worst part is that I bet the donations to "The 700 Hundred Club" went up tenfold over the past few days and the amount of cocaine being exported into our country declined tenfold.

- MPH

My Little Cindy

2005-08-22T12:21:00.000-05:00

I know that the drugs have done damage to your brains, but I am sure you remember me talking about that little girl and her little lost doggy about two weeks back. Well I have an update on the situation.

I have been accused of sending the dog to its death. The little girl claims that I saw her little doggy running around my yard a couple of weeks ago and instead of taking the dog back to its own yard, I tied a piece of sliced ham to the back of car, started driving - luring the dog the with said ham, then took the dog into heavy traffic where it was run over repeatedly. I told the little girl that she was full of shit - which only made her cry louder because I said a bad word.

I talked with the family and told them I was not the type of guy to spend all that time to kill a dog (I got a shovel in my garage that is good for beatin' and good for diggin'). I said it was sad that the dog died, but that the dog died doing something it believed in and in a sense made this world a better place for doing so. Surprisingly, they believed me. However, the little girl does not believe me and has gone to extreme measures to call attention to her plight.

Yep, the fucking little shit is camping out by my mailbox and refuses to leave until I talk to her and explain to her why her little doggy had to die. So far a couple of other kids have joined her camp and the neighborhood newsletter has published the story, but I expect more publicity soon - word on the street is that Clint Howard, Ron Howard's older brother and star of the tour de force "The Ice Cream Man" plans on visiting this little girl. That will draw in the big time Indy newsies for sure.

Unlike the situation in Crawford, I am not choosing to ignore the bitch that is ruining my day. For instance, two days ago I filled some balloons full of piss and flung them at her and her friends. The girl stood there covered in piss singing Smash Mouth's "All Star." I tried to drown out that noise by blasting some Air Supply - but that got me wanting to run out into traffic myself. I guess I could talk to her, but I really think that will only result in my taking my boot to her face.

Exacerbating the situation is that her parents got hooked on the meth I was producing before the meth kids revolted and have been going through withdrawals since I last spoke with them. Right now they can't not shit themselves so they don't care that their daughter is sleeping in my yard. I am really hoping one of them drinks some draino to get a cheap high and kill the pain and end up overdosing so that someone will come and pick up the girl to take her to the hospital. So far my wish hasn't been fulfilled.

At this point I am little worried that she is going to get more extreme in her protests. I am pretty sure I am few days away from finding my latest TV Guide shredded. We are getting dangerously close to "Fall Preview Issue" time and if that gets shredded I am starting singing "I'm All Out of Love" and run into traffic.

I guess my last resort to resolve this situation is to turn to prayer. So what I need you people to do is pray for God to find a way to get this girl away from my place. I would do it myself, but he's not going to listen to a guy that just flung balloon full of piss at a little girl. So pray real good, okay.

- MPH

The Beginning of the Long Farewell

2005-08-19T01:40:00.000-05:00

If you think my title has anything to do with the huge ass announcement that I promised on Wednesday - you're wrong. I explain the title in just a second, but first it's fucking announcement time:

I now demand that I just be referred to as M.

That's right, I am abandoning my old moniker of MPH. Why? Well I thought that typing the PH after at the end of every post was coming between me and that valuable second of my life that I used to do said typing. The things I could do with that extra second are astronomical. I mean, I am pretty certain that had I not spent the last three hundred some odd posts typing PH, I would have found a cure for cancer by now. Or better yet, I would have figured out a few more loopholes to get around those pesky restraining orders that Jennifer Garner, and now Amy Acker have filed against me. Actually better than that, I could spend more time figuring out how to convince people that putting lions and elephants in the Great Plains can only help us when the RAH's attack.

So consider your world changed, because M is here to stay . . . until Blogger shuts me down for being too objectionable.

Many of you may not have noticed this yet, but there is a new feature on the upper righthand corner of your blog called "Flag?" The purpose of this new feature is to "flag" material that you might find objectionable. Need more of an explanation? Well the good people at Blogger have one for you:

"It is our strong belief that blogs help make the Web an important medium of self-expression; Blogger has given a voice to millions of people. Our users gossip, joke, rant, publish, share, and on occasion might post potentially objectionable stuff. We generally do not review the content posted through our service but our responsibility extends beyond Blogger users to casual readers of Blog*Spot.

The "Flag?" button is a means by which readers of Blog*Spot can help inform us about potentially questionable content, so we can prevent others from encountering such material by setting particular blogs as "unlisted." This means the blog won't be promoted on Blogger.com but will still be available on the web — we prefer to keep in mind that one person's vulgarity is another's poetry. Or something like that."

Can you see why I may be fucked?

Seriously, how quickly do you think some humble Christian or blow hard Conservative will go for that option when he or she stumbles across this blog after drinking too much holy water and reads something like, oh say this:

"I saw an ad for a new lid for Kraft mayonaise that is bigger and clips shut. My first thought: now sickos have more room to get their cocks in there."

Or this:

"Do you want to know the greatest benefit of becoming both extremely devout and conservative? The whores. Illegal love is at its best when your views are extremely narrowed."

And most definitely this:

"By cuss words, I mean: fuck, motherfuck, motherfucker, fucking fuck, fuck a dog, shit, shit head, shit bag bitch, bitch ass, bitch ass motherfucker, damn, damn bitch ass, damn bitch ass motherfucker, bastard, bastard covered bastard, ass, asshole, ass munch, ass hat, ass monger, cock, cocksucker, cocksucking motherfucker, hell, hell fuck no, hell fuck yeah, and cunt (which up until today has never been used)."

And what will that Christian do? He or she will pray and then Jesus will send his or her prayers to other people and they'll look up the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" and flag me to death.

I am almost certain I will be expelled from Blogger in two weeks. I give Ask Blog Jesus one week at least. Though that blog could easily be gone in a day.

Thank God I given myself more time to cherious what little time I have remaining with you by remaining myself.

Big Ups to Brooklyn

- MPH . . . I mean M, yeah definitely M (fuck, that's going to take some getting used to)

More Use of the Word Scurrying Than Necessary

2005-08-17T12:42:00.000-05:00

Could someone explain to me why my writing about music always generates a lot of comments? It's like that literary choice is black gold and texas tea all rolled into one. That being said, this post won't be about music so all you rat bastards can scurry back into your holes.

Actually, before scurrying though, allow me to explain why lets all thank "Entertainment Weekly" for their wonderful Reese Witherspoon cover in their latest edition. I am sure you'll notice that I do not have Ms. Witherspoon in what some may call my "obsession lists," and with good reason - I have never found her attractive and have disliked most of her movies ("Election" and "Pleasantville" being the exceptions . . . and portions of her vehicle with Paul Rudd "Overnight Delivery"). But hey anything that can stop me from spanking it to the cover of last week's "Time" with the monkey thinking with Jesus overhead deserves some kudos.

Now that you have been thoroughly disgusted, you may re-commence scurrying.

While I am on the subject of scurrying, lets talk about the fine people of Virginia. In an effort to maintain their slack jawed yokel status, many fine Virginians decided that pushing old men to the ground, pissing themselves, whacking people about the head with chairs, and attempted vehicular manslaughter was absolutely necessary to get to four year old lap tops for $50.00.

According to news reports, approximately 5,500 people showed up to the Richmond International Raceway hoping to obtain these by technological terms ancient Apple IBooks that a school system was selling to county residents. The gates opened at 7:00 a.m., but people began lining up at 1:30 a.m. Those people that showed up so fucking early were stupid in many respects, but mostly for being at the front of the pack because they spent a lot of time waiting to be trampled because once those damn gates opened a "violent stampede" occurred.

Officials sponsoring the sale should have seen this coming. The people showing up so damn early was a telltale sign. So is the fact that people love them some cheap ass junk. However, the officials should have really been on alert when they discovered that a women chose to piss herself rather than leave the line and that did not deterr other people from stepping away from her.

My absolute favorite part of the story is the guy who decided to hit people with a chair to hold back the burgeoning crowd. Reporters actually tracked him down and he had this to say, "[t]hey were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just." He thought beating people with a chair was just - fucking excellent. Someone find this guy for me so that I can shake his hand. That is the kind of mental disconnect that I truly appreciate.

The most shocking thing about this story though is that it did not occur in Indiana.

- MPH

P.S. On Friday I have another huge announcement that will alter your lives forever.

Sing A Simple Song

2005-08-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

I thought penicillin could get rid of it, but doctors tell me the only way to get rid of the nasty blisters that a meme causes is to actually answer the fucker. So here it is (I'll try to sound more excited as I progress):

Number of records/tapes/CDs I own:

Approximately 275. That number is soon decrease because as I was counting my CD's (fuck you I am anal retentive) I kept saying to myself - "why do I still have this piece of shit in my collection?" So I will soon be going to turn those CD's over anywhere that will take them and then go about not giving the few dollars I earn to a good cause.

First record/tape/CD I bought:

I believe the first record my parents bought for my sister and I was Lionel Richie's "Can't Slow Down." Being from Indiana, we were quite fond of his Afro-mullet.

The first tape that I bought with my own money was Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet." Being from Indiana, I was quite fond of John Bon Jovi's feathered hair.

The first CD that I ever bought for myself was Hammer's "Two Legit Two Quit." I didn't want Hammer to hurt me or 'em.

Last record/tape/CD I bought:

Fountains of Wayne "Out of State Plates"

Last record/tape/CD I listened to:

The Pixies "June 7, 2005: Indianapolis, Indiana." This is the official recording of the concert I attended a couple months ago. I am currently listening to it closely to see if my friend and I can be overheard yelling "shit dick" at random points to during the show.

Recordings or songs that mean a lot to me (and/or changed my life):

I will not tell you why these songs mean something to me, just know I have my reasons . . .

"Eternal Flame" - The Bangles

"Layla" (acoustic version) - Eric Clapton

"Misunderstanding" - Genesis.

"Red Light Fever" - Liz Phair

If I had to choose a soundtrack of my life, what 5-10 songs would be on it?:

"Sir Duke" - Stevie Wonder
"Train in Vain" - The Clash
"Domino" - Van Morrison
"Radio, Radio" - Elvis Costello
"Corduroy" - Pearl Jam
"Tired of Being Alone" - Al Green
"Reflections" - The Supremes
"Divorce Song" - Liz Phair
"Night Swimming" - R.E.M.
"Here Comes Your Man" - The Pixies

Bonus Hidden Track: "Rainbow Connection" - Kermit the Frog

I tag no one. The line stops here.

- MPH

Guess Who's Back!

2005-08-12T17:17:00.000-05:00

Well I got tagged by Brent to participate in Steph's foolish meme and I had planned on doing so today, but fuck if something more important didn't come up that demanded the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" attention. Trust me I will get around to the meme (probably on Monday), but you just can't serve cat food when you got steak cooking in the back. People deserve the best. People deserve the return of . . . TREVIN SKEENS!

Hell, fuck yes - good ole' Trevin is back and better than ever. Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!

As you may recall Mr. Skeens sued Wal-Mart for $74,000, alleging that Satan's corporate headquarters intentionally deceived it's loyal customers by stocking its shelves with CD's the rock group Evanescence in which one song contained the word "fuck" and therefore corrupting the innocence of his child and other children. Skeens, who is offended by the word "fuck," actuall just used the f-word in his complaint. Mr. Skeens actions lead me to say the following:

"For those unfamiliar with the term "f-word", he means "fuck" as in "fuck you", "fuck up", "fuck me", "fuck fiend", etc. Anyway, I am asking Mr. Skeen to pretty please fucking catch a fucking horrible diease for, one having the fucking name Trevin and two, fucking wasting my fucking time reading this fucking story about how you bought a fucking god-awful band's CD and are fucking pissed because the CD contained the word fuck so you fucking called a fuck wad attorney who was willing to draft a fucking joke of a complaint against fucking Wal-Mart. Whew, I am fucking tired."

Recently there have been new developments in the case, Sony BMG Music Entertainment and its Wind-Up Records subsidiary reached a settlement agreement with the Trevin and his wife Melanie (I know the fact that she actually includes the "e" at the end of her name is shocking). in which the companies would offer refunds on any Evanescence CD purchased in Maryland in exchange for dismissal of the claims filed against them last year by the Skeens.

However, this is only a partial settlement, the Skeens still have their claim against Wal-Mart for pulling shenanigans and exposing kids to the word "fuck." We all know that Wal-Mart is a stubborn bitch and probably and refuses to see eye to lazy eye with the Skeens. That only means one thing - more Skeeny goodness in the future.

So this has been a good week for white trash. The "Dukes of Hazzard" is the number one movie in America (sigh) and major music labels are caving into their demands. Expect a number of bullets to be shot in the air and a number of people to die as a result over the coming weekend. Pabst for everyone!

Seriously though, agreeing to possible eat a lot of cash for exposing a kid to the word "fuck." That's nothing. It's not like exposing a kid to the term "son of a fucking whore" which I accidentally did yesterday. Thankfully the dad didn't give a shit - not that it would've mattered anyway, if I am willing to yell "son of a fucking whore" while kids are around then I will have no problem beating down their father while they watch and scream.

Oh Trevin, you bring out the best in me.

- MPH

Might As Well . . .

2005-08-10T19:21:00.000-05:00

So there's this kid in my neighborhood who has lost her little doggy and her parents are offering fifty dollars cash money to whoever finds the dog. So say I actually ignore the fact that I just got the "Sports Illustrated's" College Footbal Preview and actually go an look for this little bitch and find it dead in a ditch. Will I get paid if I bring the dead little doggy to the little girl's house? I think I should get paid double actually. I mean I handled a dead dog, the amount of disease it was probably racked with at that time warrants more dough in my humble opinion. Sure it will traumatize the little girl to see me dragging her little dead doggy by the tail to her front door, but then again she'll also learn a life lesson. She'll learn that yes everything dies - some things sooner than others. Hell, I should give an extra few bucks for teaching a lesson on top of getting dead dog hair all over my clothing.

Those court ordered sensitivity classes I went to really did jack shit.

Unfortunately I do not plan on regaling you with why I should get paid for finding a dead dog any longer. Today I want to talk about my new hero Scott Harper. For those that don't watch the news, last night Mr. Harper, who was sitting in the upper deck of Yankee Stadium, thought it would be a bitchin' idea to test whether the nets over home plate could hold his weight. Immediately after expressing that thought, the boy did a Peter Pan over the railing and proved once and for all that netting meant to protect fans from foul balls can also support dumbasses of a certain weight. For his actions, Harper faces up to a year in jail.

His friends have been accused by some of actually throwing the kid over (which would make him incredibly less cool). However, they deny doing so, but one friend implied that they, along with several people sitting around them may have encourage the kid to jump by chanting "sit or jump." My sources tell me many in the area thought the fucker would just sit down like a pussy while others hoped the fucker would die.

One person who saw the incident said "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end (never so long as SJ digs it).

I could care less if the kid lived or died or whether he will end up in prison - I am just so damn proud that a person his age had the resolve to do what he said he was going to do. Kids today are slackers and I love it when one of their peers says "Look fuckwads, lets stop saying we're going to do the shit and actually do the shit!" Bravo young Harper, bravo.

Now if he was thrown by his friends then he is a bitch ass pussy that couldn't fight off three people. His friends, though, become the heroes. They decided as a collective to toss their friend over a railing and they did so. Thus, if that is the case then bravo young friends, bravo.

Regardless, next time he decides to be part of a stupid stunt may I suggest lighter fluid and some matches be brought into the act.

- MPH

What That Dog Did . . . Just Ain't Human

2005-08-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

If you can figure out what my title has to do with Peter Jennings permanently taking time off from his anchoring duties, then more power to you. Personally I think I dipped into the quaaludes once too often in . . . yeah . . . the last ten minutes.

Actually this post isn't so much about Peter Jennings (who is probably looking upon me up above and frowning) as it is my replacing Peter Jennings as the people's number one news source. That's right, I said "people" and not just you my lovely readers, I think the final obstacle in my being able to touch the hearts and minds of the American public has finally been taken out. It's time for the news to be told like it always should've been told - by someone willing to admit that he's downed too many quaaludes.

I am willing to report about the things that matter. Sure people care about Iraq, oil prices, and the giddy thrill of seeing a third space shuttle burst into flames in our lifetime, but deep down they really give a shit about three things: sex, drugs, and violence. And while I actually give a shit about several more things, I am willing to sink to the common people's level and discuss these burning issues.

Take for instance this great story about how some surely hot cheerleaders foiled a hit and run. Their more likely than not hot coach witnessed the accident and rather than put forth the effort to remember the perps license number, she forced her team to chant the license number over and over again. The coach said, "I knew I was going to not remember it because there was too much going on. So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: 'Remember this!'" The flexible young women actually flexed something they don't use so often - their minds - and remembered the number and the driver was ultimately caught. Hooray! Go team!

One of the cheerleaders was later heard saying "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." She was promptly shot by police it what was billed a clean shoot before one bullet was fired. The unnecessary carange provoked another cheerleader to say, "People were screaming and running. Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget." Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end.

Some people in New York may want to take their cell phones and keys out of their pockets for an upcoming fundraiser for NYC city council candidate Victor Bernance. In the face of stiff competition, Berance decided to enhance his limp campaign with the help of the most charitable people ever - exotic dancers. Berance, a Democrat, plans on having "bikini-clad go-go dancers and men in nothing but briefs at a 'Havana Night' campaign party next month."

Berance says that most campaign fundraiers are boring and he is seeking to engerize a different base. He'll certainly be energizing something. This may be the first campaign fundraiser ever where more cocks where smoked than cigars. Republicans have already damned him to hell.

He might as well post a sign that says "Vaginas R' Us" outside of campaign headquarters. Well . . . actually he can't. A L.A. strip club owner already spurted that idea from his mind and is currently pissing people off with it. Although the sign was forced to come down, it was not because of the content. According to city councilman Bill Rosendahl "the word 'vagina' is not an obscene word and we're not in a position to question the First Amendment." Sign actually had to come down because the material it was made from was too combustible. That's right, the vagina was too damn hot.

I am shocked that politicians are even concentrating on vagina when there's a dispute over who took the money for the kegger. Last Spring, Anheuser-Busch wrote a $5,000 check that was to be directed to the Republican Party in South Carolina. However, whoever was in charge of mailing the check obviously had the shakes and putting the check in the seldom used Democratic Party mail slot at the plant. The thirsty SC GOP want their money back. The Democrats, like a liberal slacker trying to pull one over on debt collectors, says the check is in the mail. The GOP has already threatened a lawsuit if they aren't paid what's owed them. My guess is that the money is already been blown on cockfights and slap contests.

Speaking of slap contests, a New York radio station has been forced to stop holding contests in which women slap the shit out of one another for cash and prizes. Apparently women beating on other women for tickets to an R. Kelly concert is degrading. The station's parent company now has to pay $240,000 in fines as a result of few red cheeks. The stations promises to go back to value-centered entertainment which people generally could care less about - like chicks making out for R. Kelly concert tickets.

In closing, the first season of "The Muppet Show" comes out on DVD tomorrow. To celebrate this glorious event, please enjoy this muppet sodomy .

- MPH

The Underwhelmingly Hyped 300 Post

2005-08-05T18:05:00.000-05:00

Lets just get right to announcing the major news that will change for the face of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" forever:

I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. As a result I am going to have to drastically cut down on my posts.

The official diagnosis is testicular cancer, but it has since spread to my lungs and my brain. Doctors don't get me much of a chance, but I promise I will be back to posting every day some time soon.

Wait a second . . . that's not right . . . fuck, someone thought it would be funny to "mash" my announcement and Lance Armstrong's cancer announcement creating a thing that may have freaked a few of you out. My apologies. Now to the real announcement:

Because I have tested positive for sterioids, Blogger has suspended me for ten days so "Heightened Thoughts" and "Ask Blog Jesus" will be going on vacation for ten days.

I swear I do not have any clue how the steriods got into my system. I think somebody put in it my drink last week at the . . . wait a second . . . something still isn't right . . . oh, I see, the same fucker though mixing my statement with Raffy Palmero's statement would be funny - it's not. Drugs are bad kids.

Let me just check something . . . okay, here's the real announcement:

It's a cruel . . . cruel summer.

Alright, that's just the chorus to a truly awful 1980's song. What the fuck is going on here?

Hang on, one of my meth kids is passing me a note. He's asking me to post it right now:

Dear Cruel Man,

A nice man recently came by while we were playing in your backyard during our "smoke break." He had a book called the Bible with him and he said he could safe us. Since we really don't like losing our fingers in explosions and not being paid, we have agreed to follow him from now on. He says that God is going to make you burn real good. So good bye, good luck getting that meth to my mom now.

By the way, we have stolen all your furniture.

- Eddie aka That Blonde Meth Kid.

Well fuck me. That certainly wasn't the announcement I wanted to make today. No one wants to hear "Sorry my meth kids found God and I am fresh out of the good shit." This puts a damper on everything. Fuck.

Well I might as well just tell you, my loyal readers, what my real big announcement is rather than read it off what are obviously meth kid tainted notes:

Starting this Monday the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" will no longer be updated daily. From this point on out I will be posting new material on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It is something that should've happened earlier, but because I really wanted to annoy you on a daily basis I allowed myself to be spread a bit thin. Now I am too tired to annoy you on a daily basis, you will have to settle for every other day.

So that's it. I bet you wish it was the cancer now, huh?

- MPH

Just So I Can Say I Mailed One In Before Number 300

2005-08-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

I just realized, I have not yet finished "honoring" you, my loyal readers, by re-publishing some of my favorite moments from the past two months. Thankfully I have no desire to say anything of importance today so enjoy the best of what you got. Big announcement tomorrow, it is sure to disappoint.

I learned two things yesterday:

1) People love references to Howard Hesseman's anus getting obliterated by bran enriched shit;

2) Don't fuck with Howard Hesseman - More Hesseman!!!!

Despite what I just said about the very much alive Lee Marvin, I seriously doubt my bag full of tired jokes has anything to do with it. You all love Jennifer Garner references. Everybody give me an Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhbama on that ass spewage. In fact you love them so much I expect Jesus to crawl out that womb and deliver me a pizza any minute now. - More Hesseman!!!!

If I was in that situation I wouldn't step out of the house - even if Jennifer Garner was holding a blow job festival next door. - Monkey Gone to Heaven

You take the good
You take the bad
You smash titties in a face
And there you have . . . the facts of life. - Stripping Dogs Choking a Nude Beach Flasher

This week I am still snorting up the glory that is being able to invoke Benji and autoerotic asphixiation in the same post. - A Burning Love

The only recourse I can think of is that you, my lovely readers, send all of your money to me so that I can buy all the Ruxpins and hopefully destroy them before they destroy me. I promise not to use your cash to finish my "robots are about to fuck us, I need to hide" shelter. I look forward to your contributions. - The End is Here and It Has a Story to Tell

Masturbating to the theme of "Growing Pains" won't help Tracy Gold gain back all that weight she had when the series was at the height of its popularity. - This Post is Not About Cats With Opposable Thumbs

You see I have this Menudo type policy that once the kid gets old enough to potentially have the sense to take an ice pick to my jugular, I cut them loose. - Licking This Blog Will Not Get You High

After having adequately found that it is wrong for men to shrink their testicles because chicks dig the long ball and that vegetable tubing is a recreation sport, our politicians and politicos have decided it has nothing better to do now than bitch slap one another. - Am Not! Are Too!

But think about it people, Tigger was flamboyant as fuck and really like to pound his own ass if the opportunity was present. Piglet was a small, pink little pig. If you are still say "what the fuck" then you're obvious too re-[censored by the With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] too ever get what I am saying. Tigger and Piglet were rainbowy icons who candles were snuffed out far too soon. Sure, they'll likely get new people to voice the characters, but don't be surprised if Tigger now sounds like Mr. T. and Piglet like Tim Allen. - Poohing on a Dream

Don't worry though, Luther Vandross died today so all the food he had in storage is being sent to those poor African nations. They will be eating liked kings for weeks . . . weeks I tell you. - We Can't Play Any More, The Swing is Broken

America's list really goes to shit after the top four thanks to the inclusion of Journey and Queensryche. Honestly people . . . how? Why? I demand that someone name something by Queensryche other than "Silent Lucidity." You can't so don't even try. And if you can, please go shoot yourself. - Queensryche?

I then realized that the reason that I did not know any Jewish people had to be part of a grand Jewish conspiracy to keep Jewish people away from me. - Honked Off

Haven't these kids heard of spinning around a whole lot or masturbating? I recall both creating a pretty decent natural high. I do not believe you can die from either of these two things unless you do them in the back of a pick up truck. - Air, The New Anti-Drug

This is America and damn it the Constitution says we have the right to bare our feet. It was not like the four women wore shirts that said "Eat Babies and Fuck Your Mother." - Flipping Out

According to Kamala's plan, participating young women will be required to under a gynecological exam when they graduate from high school that they "got none" while getting their education on. If they remain tight lipped throughout the entire exam, their college will be paid for. - Saving Up for College

Knowing that it is about to die a horrible death between a tire and Sydney's vagina and ass, the left testicle musters the will to shoot off one more load to keep the whatever "Vaughn's" family name really is alive. So the load is shot and thankfully Sydney is at her most fertile. Their DNA start dancing and next thing you know there's a bun in the oven. - The Last Post About Jennifer Garner . . . Before "Heightened Thoughts" Goes All Year Two and Stuff

I truly appreciate your vigilance and utter reta-[word censored by the Love & Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded, or in this case Retardedness]. - YEAR ONE

That's it. I hope you're as underwhelmed as I am.

- MPH

Wednesday's Child Should be In Jail

2005-08-03T19:05:00.000-05:00

God damn motherfucking son of a bitch!

When you have a chance to make the world a better place you don't fucking compromise. Think of the fucking future and the damage you can prevent.

But of course you have to show that shit isn't running through your veins and that you have a bit of heart and you make a deal for the better of everyone involved. Fuck you!

That's right I'm talking you Mr. Prosecutor who decided to cut a deal with the 11 year old girl who hit a kid in the head with a rock. You're a little bitch.

Right now I can imagine that you, my loyal readers, have no fucking clue what is going on (most likely more so than usual at least). Well allow me to catch you up to the point where I just started going all tourettey on this prosecutor:

The story is rather simple, 8 year old boy hits 11 year old girl with water balloon, girl retaliates by throwing bigg ass jagged rock at boy's head, rock connects with boy's head - cutting him open, wussy little boy runs home and tells mom, mom calls police, police send three cars and a helicopter to the scene, police attempt to arrest girl, girl allegedly resists arrest and scratches and officer, girl spends five days in juvie and one month under house arrest, someone decides a month and a week is not enough punishment, girl charged with felony assault with a deadly weapon, girl's attorney and D.A. can't come to terms on suitable plea deal and decided trying this girl for throwing a rock is the only option.

At this point in the story I am saying here, here. You all know how I feel about children (for those that don't their a scourge against the Earth) and I was happy to see that a punk kid was getting royally fucked over. It was my reason for not kiling myself today.

This bliss would not last long though. Unfortunately attorneys for both sides came to their senses (most likely thanks to some pushing by the judge who I am sure was thrilled to be wasting his time on this case) and came to an agreement which allowed the girl to avoid jail time. Instead the girl has to stay in school, not get into trouble, and have a talk with her "victim" about the incident.

I call bullshit. All she has to do is stay in school and not get into trouble - things she is already supposed to do - and talk. Fuck that. This girl scarred a young boy for life, she should be sent to Gitmo. Okay, that is probably too harsh, but she should at least receive a month in jail so that she can be eyed as some butch female prisoner's bitch until she is taken out of gen pop for her own safety. That'll teach her for being a fucking little shit kid. The prosecutor dropped the ball big time here folks.

There is potential for this whole ugly mess to begin again, the little girl speaks limited English. There's a chance her "talk" with her "victim" won't get off the ground because she has no fucking clue what to say and those irrational police will call out the SWAT team and bring her ass back to jail where she belongs.

I doubt that will happen, but one can hope.

- MPH

Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead

2005-08-02T17:58:00.000-05:00

This picture to my right should be all you need to know about why I have given the fuck up on humanity. However, since I need to fill space today, I am going to go into more detail. Once I relay this story to you, I am sure that you, my dear, dear readers will also just want to lay down and allow those bastard RAH's to smoke our asses.

Simply put, this fucking Harry Potter looking chick is studying for her doctorate - in air guitar. I will repeat the last part: her doctorate - in air guitar. If you want to stop reading and kill yourself right now feel free . . . getting a large number of readers just doesn't matter any more.

This lady, Amanda Griffiths, is so enamored with the air guitar that she is planning to make a careet out of it. Yesterday I bitched about the complete and utter ignorance of some kids on MTV. Their stupidity pales in comparison to this lady, who apparently has smarts, but has decided to piss it all away. The mere thought that someone is pursuing a doctorate in air guitar hurts my brain.

She will actually be at the Air Guitar World Championships to give a lecture on the subject. Folks, that will be the most unimportant lecture ever . . . surpassing my lecture on why Lee Marvin makes some wonderful crumpets by a fucking mile.

I wish I had more to say about this, but the whole notion of this really fucking deflated me. I am seriously considering going all Baltar on the world's ass and just letting the RAH's through the front door. Why waste time messing with our ale when they can just mow us down.

At the very least I can take refuge in the fact that Don Knotts probably won't be alive to see all the shit that people like Ms. (and we know she's single) Griffiths has brought down on the world. A festival in his honor had to be postponed because of his failing health. That means no midnight showing of "The Apple Dumpling Gang." Organizers have not set a new date for the festival to take place, but my sources tell me they are already adding "first memorial" to all the signs.

For those of you that had Don Knotts in your death pool (I don't . . . I am still waiting for Ernest Borgnine to drown in a hot tub), don't get too excited just yet. There's a chance he could bounce back . . . well actually creep back, he's 81 years old after all. However, I would not be shocked if we see Andy Griffith singing over Mr. Knotts' grave site in the very near future. Now if good ole' Andy croaks mid song due to a heart attack while standing over Don Knotts grave at his funeral . . . plasma TV for MP motherfucking H.

I know that a plasma TV will kill the bad taste I have in my mouth over all that air guitar shit and it will be real cool seeing the RAH's blowing up shit on it.

- MPH

The Final Double Post Monday of the "Heightened Thoughts" Year Two

2005-08-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

There has only been one constant in my life as of late and that is the liquid shits I have been having for approximately a month and half. Everything else goes up and down - including my belief that humanity is about to be fucked up by robot/alien hyrids, more affectionately known as RAH's. My forecast of humanity's future changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. It's a hellish life let me tell you.

Recently that has all sorts of shit floating out there that has either given me mad hope or caused mad and hope to climb out my window at 3:00 a.m. and run into the night weeping. I think it is only fair that we start on the down side of things. This past Sunday I witnessed a pretty damn good reason why human beings should be wiped off the face of the earth: "MTV's That '70's House."

Let me say this right off the bat, it is not the show itself that makes me think humans are really fucked. Although it is an MTV production, I think the show is a hoot (fuck you it's summer). The kids they got in the house is what fucks my shit up. They had to take a quiz on the 1970's and all of them failed miserably. Some of the questions were name three presidents from the decade, what war ended during that decade, and what year was the bicentennial celebrated. There was a person that got all those questions wrong. I can understand missing the president question because really who counts Ford and I can even forgive someone forgetting that the Vietnam War ended in the 1970's since it has such a high association with the 1960's, but to not fucking know that 1976 was the year of America's bicentennial blows my fucking mind.

I was barely paying attention to the questions and I was blurting out the answers before the question was finished. There were kids on there that looking at the the person giving the quiz like he had just stomped on a box full of newborn puppies in front of them. If we are producing a a generation that is that fucking ignorant that I say let the RAH's sodomize us to their heart's content.

While we are on the subject of RAH sodomy, Japan is making sure that such action is of the oral variety and not the anal variety. Last week Japanese humans foolishly introduced the most human looking robot ever created. "She" is called Repliee Q1Expo which is obviously Japanese for death. At the moment she is not mobile, but she has flexible silicone for skin, a number of sensors and motors to allow her to turn and react in a human-like manner and she even appears to breathe. The scientist who created her also wanted to let people know one important thing, "we have found that people forget she is an android while interacting with her. Consciously, it is easy to see that she is an android, but unconsciously, we react to the android as if she were a woman."

Basically they have shaved off Teddy Ruxpin's fur and given him a rack. Not only that, but apparently she is life like enough for humans to forget she's nothing but wires. It's only a matter of time before they make these thing blonde, leggy, and with a better rack. Next thing you know they're killing babies before dropping the nukes. Repeat after me people: We are so fucked.

Actually you don't know just how fucked we are. Around the same time that scientist in Japan were unveiling that bitch robot that is sure to kill plenty of us, other scientists claimed to have discovered a tenth planet. This "planet" (nerds are currently debating whether it is or not and fucking with Pluto in the process) is 9 billion miles away from Earth and forty-five degrees out of the disc around the sun that all the other planets are in. I am not really sure of the significance of that last part, but I think I can irrationally presume that it is aligned in such a way to shoot electronic waves full of alien nanobyte technology to the robots of the world to, as I have said before, fuck our shit up.

Rather than figure out how to make sure that this new "planet" won't fuck our shit up, scientists are busy studying its size and motion - their version of porn. This means that they will be at it for awhile allowing the grand conspiracy to continue unabated. Part of this conspiracy, it would appear, is to control the world's beer supply. That's right, some fuckers have created a robot that dispenses beer. Actually it does more than that - it is able to tell who you are and keep track of how much you have been drinking. Obviously the RAH plan is to take control of all the beer in the world. Do you know how much that will suck? Well if not, go to a retirement home and have some old fuck tell you of the horrors of Prohibition - bring a youngster with you so that they can learn some history in the process non-bicentennial knowing motherfuckers.

You thought that the RAH's first strike would be a broad attack. No, no, no, no - they are going after beer. They are hitting us where we live.

That's a whole fucking lot of down side if I do say so myself. Fortunately I have some up side. Not much up side, but some. The animal contingent may have found itself a leader and his name is Jake, the fast ass swimming dog. Jake, a sixty-five pound golden retriever, out swam a whole bunch of humans at the 10th Annual South End Rowing Club's 10th annual Alcatraz Invitational. In a time of forty-one minutes and forty-five seconds, Jake swam the 1.2 mile stretch and finished 72nd out of 500. That's not as badass as pulling the tongue of a killer cat, but it is still pretty damn badass. Therefore I think this canine may be the animal messiah. Does he actually improve the human and animal race's chances of survival - not by a whole lot, but right now we need whatever the fuck we can get.

On another positive note . . . well . . . okay all I got is a dog that can swim fast. Just allow that little bit of light to shine bright and try and go about your remaining days knowing nature is still trying. Or just crawl into a corner and cry, we're all going to die screaming and pissing ourselves anyway.

- MPH

Bolton For the Door on a Double Post Monday

2005-08-01T12:27:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said double post Monday. I am starting year two of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" off with a bang. Okay, bang is a pretty strong word and this post obviously won't live up to that type of hype, but I am sticking to it. BANG, baby, BANG!!

To the surprise of no one Dubya decided to take advantage of the members of the Senate being too pre-occupied with kick ball and smear the queer to appoint John Bolton as the ambassador of the United Nations. The Prez justified the recess appointment by saying ""This post is too important to leave vacant any longer, especially during a war and a vital debate about UN reform."

Never mind the fact that some senators, including Senator George Voinovich of Ohio, felt
that "John Bolton is the poster child of what someone in the diplomatic corps should not be . . . . I have great concerns with the current nominee and his ability to get the job done . . . ."

Of course, such a lack of confidence was not enough to preclude the Senate Foreign Relations Committee from sending Bolton's nomination to the Senate. The logic was that the Senate would get the job done and keep this son of a bitch out of the post. Voinovich again: "I have every faith in my colleagues. No one's really excited about him going to the United Nations."

Well no one was really excited about voting the fucker out either. That's what you get for having faith in politicians douche bag. Dubya actually claims that a majority of Senators supported Bolton's nomination, but "because of partisan delaying tactics by a handful of senators, John was unfairly denied the up-or-down vote that he deserves."

I actually wanted Chumley to have an up and down vote. I got the impression that no one liked this dude and that the Dubya would have to wipe egg from his face when Bolton was shown the hand and sent away. Now it would appear that the Democrats were too scared to actually allow this thing to go to a vote because it might blow up in their faces.

Shockingly, that strategy blew up in their faces. It is getting to the point where I just want to give in and go conservative full time and not just on the weekends. Being a disliked prick is much better than being a dumbass looking motherfucker - liked or disliked.

Actually, rather than going the way of the elephant, I can just hope and pray that the RAH's come a'calling and end us all. Speaking of which, I got a ton of shit on that conspiracy and in a mere few hours I will make you forget about this cluster fuck.

In the meantime, enjoy this enjoy this trivial, non-end of the world issue

- MPH

YEAR ONE

2005-07-30T13:31:00.000-05:00

It is an absolutely wonderful Saturday afternoon in MPH, Indiana and here I am typing a post to celebrate the first year anniversary of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." Of course, I might only be writing to an audience of one given the reaction to yesterday's post, but hey if you're going back to the beginning you might as well go completely retro audience-wise as well.

I believe I have mentioned this before, but I think it bears repeating, I started blogging because I had things to say and would regularly say them to friends but not get any reaction. Rather than annoy my friends with my mind droppings, I decided to annoy the world with them. I did not expect the world to actually pay attention to what I had to say, and by and large, it hasn't. However, a decent amount of somewhat indecent people have taken the time to regularly visit and chime in. I truly appreciate your vigilance and utter reta-[word censored by the Love & Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded, or in this case Retardedness].

Although it is has been foretold that I will become the greatest blogger of all time, that has yet to happen. In fact, my blogging has not made much of a dent in society at all. But it has made some dents - starting with my very first post . I am pretty certain that most of you, my loyal readers, have not taken the time to read this post. Without going in depth about it, I basically ranted about how D.J.'s in the Indianapolis market giving advice to their listeners. I felt that the whole notion was fucking moronic. First, D.J.'s are barely qualified to judge nude mud wrestling matches let alone give out marital advice or what not. Second, if people have issues then they need to pony up the cash and see a therapist rather than call the local radio station.

Well I am proud to say that the radio station in Indianapolis that was the biggest instigator of this trend changed formats approximately a month and a half ago. It turns out that they too realized that being "real" was really fucking moronic too. They now play country music 24/7. While this is slightly more offensive than shelling out advice over the radio, I will take it over a D.J. telling me that I can live a normal life despite being riddled with herpes.

I believe in my heart of hearts that my first post had something to do with this change. Because I published my disdain for this type of activity, other people felt like they too could bitch about D.J.'s giving advice over the radio. Sure it was not an immediate change, but grassroots movements never cause immediate changes. The point is that through me shit got done and the world, or at least Indianapolis, is a somewhat better place. So, at least when it comes to sweeping the airwaves clear of D.J.'s that give out advice, I am the king shit of fuck mountain.

I would love to say that my second year of existence will produce the same results, but I highly doubt it. I am not too insane to be taken seriously anymore. I do hope to have some fun with the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" though and I will be announcing some upcoming changes in my 300th post which I think may improve the quality of this shitpile of a blog.

I can't think of a better way to close the ceremonies surrounding my first year blogging than calling the blog itself a shit pile.

- MPH

A Foul Diversion from the Year One Ceremonies

2005-07-29T12:24:00.000-05:00

As any self respecting reader of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" knows, the documentary "The Aristocrasts" officially opens today. The film has quite a buzz around it and has already been banned from all AMC Theatres. Unfortunately the Jewish elite in the liberal haven of Hollywood is only releasing the film in Los Angeles and New York. The rest of the nation must wait a couple weeks before the movie rolls into town.

However, I hate to see you, my lovely readers, hurt by the Jewish nation, therefore I am taking it upon myself to provide you with the MPH version of the joke. Before I attempt this, allow me to remind you of a couple things - I am not a comedian and this grand experiment has not chance in hell of being anywhere near successful. I think you guys and gals will appreciate though since it means I will not be talking about myself, Jennifer Garner, RAH's, or any of the other shit that I have beaten into the ground over the past year.

With that, enjoy the vacation, I will be back tomorrow to celebrate "Heightened Thoughts" Year One in earnest:

A talent agent is sitting in his office when a family consisting of a father, mother, two children- a boy who is in a motorized wheelchair and a little girl, and a little puppy named Theo comes walking through the door. The father tells the agent that he and his family have a marvelous new act that will rock the world. The agent blows them off, saying "that TGIF family shit died along with the last of the Olsen twins' last fat cells." The father brings his little girl forward and the little girl gets all puppy dog eyed and beg the agent to just give them two minutes to show him what they can do.

Persuaded, the agent says, "Lets see it."

Suddenly a mash up of Gwen Steffani's "Hollaback Girl" and Super Tramp's "Long Way Home' comes blaring from a boom box and the family gets right on with it. The mother goes running out the door yelling "Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!" The father then punches the little girl in the back of the head knocking her out cold while stating, "the little bitch finally did something right, but she still burnt the eggs this morning." Her brother pulls out his colestomy bag full of piss and shit, detaches it from his side, takes a swig from it, then proceeds to pour it all over his sister who is now convulsing.

The father goes over to the dog and inserts two fingers into its ass causing the dog to yelp like a motherfucker. The mother can now be heard yelling, "Interrogation time! Interrogation time! Interrogation time!" She comes running back in the door with two bound and gagged Vietnamese men in tow. She sets them down and brandishes a knife and proceeds to cut each man's right ear off. She turns to show the father her prizes and is greeted by a steady stream of his piss in her face. While he is pissing her face, the father commands Theo to check Charlie's anal cavity for booby traps. Theo sprints toward the closest Vietnamese man, who's face is covered in blood, and gnaws away at his ball sack in order to reach the guy's ass.

The son has now positioned himself over his sister's head and the mother runs over and tears his pants off and proceeds to jerk him off. This releases a trap door in his seat and allows the son to take a tremendous shit on his sister's face. The father climbs onto the arm rests of his son's wheelchair drops his own pants and tea bags his son. The father also takes the time to fart on his wife every time he drops his balls into his son's mouth. The son blows his wad all over the mother, who proceeds to rub it all over herself. The son pulls some peanut butter out a pouch in his wheelchair and rubs it all over his mother's pussy. She sprays him with her breast milk in return. The father then calls Theo, who had been up in the Vietnamese men's asses at this point and is covered in shit, intestine, bile, and blood, over.

Theo uses the unconscious daughter's stomach as a springboard to jump up to the father's waiting arms, this causes the little girl to spray shit all over the Vietnamese men. Theo, now in the father's arms, begins licking the father all over the face, getting Vietnamese shit, intestine, bile and blood all over him. The father cums all over his son's head, jumps off the wheelchair and points Theo toward the mother's peanut butter covered pussy. While, Theo begins licking the fuck out the mother's vagina, the father inserts his nose into his unconscious daughter's vagina. He pulls up for air, grabs the sister's ankles, yanks her out from under the wheelchair, and yells, "she's not breathing!." The mother is too busy getting eaten out by the dog to care. The father slaps his cum and breast milk soaked crippled son, screams "you killed my only daughter before I could fist her" and pulls the wiring out off the wheelchair causing it to spin around wildly.

The mother and father rush back toward the sister and start talking madly about having to hide the body. They look toward the other Vietnamese prisoner and grin slyly. They pull the Vietnamese man's pants down and bend him over. They then proceed to begin stuffing the sister head first into the Vietnamese man's ass. They get her about shoulder deep when they realize that she won't budge another inch. The father produces a fifth of vodka from his ass and pours it all over the exposed portion of the sister's body. The mother produces a Roman Candle from her pussy, lights it, and jams it into sister's ass. Both the sister and her male Vietnamese storage copartment burst into flames after a couple of rounds are fired off. Theo starts barking up a storm because of the fireworks and comes running toward the candle, only to be run over by the son in his out of control, spinning wheelchair. The son gets a pint full of puppy blood in the face and vomits while still spinning around at increasing rates of speed in the wheelchair, covering everything and everyone in the office. The wheelchair then connects again with the now dead dog and veers the son out the door where he crashes into a nearby wall.

The mother and father, both dripping with vomit, jizz, and shit fall to one knee and scream "Ta-Da!"

"Jesus, that was one hell of an act," the agent says, "What do you call it?"

The father stands tall and says "The Aristocrats."

- MPH

A Year's Worth of Spewage

2005-07-28T17:35:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should take up some space and say something original in this opening paragraph, but then there would be less room for all the great things I have said over the past year. Enjoy:

"Frankly, if you're taking advice from someone that plays Hoobastank's "The Reason" at least twice in a four hour span, you should probably just be put down and not in the gentle ways that horses get it." - The D.J. is In

“Sirs, in case you are unaware, 'rile the democrats' is another way to say he has women fornicating with donkeys.” – How Come All Scandals End in Gate?

“The first debate is over, I won't say Kerry looked Presidential, because anyone can look Presidential. When I am addressing my stuffed animals about the economic benefits of making cakes I sound Presidential.” – Bent Over and Debated

“He even has a plan to get troops out of Iraq quickly - by taking down of the "Iraqi Season" signs and replacing them with "Canuck Season" signs.” – I Got Myself a New Candidate

“I come from a town famed for its racism, though meth labs catching up as its new shameful blot, and unlike my neighbors I decided to rise above using derogatory terms when it comes to race. I find it is something people have a lot of pride in and insulting it will only get me shanked or shot - because that is what those people do when they are not mowing my lawn and tending to my pool.” – What No Tomato Crack?

“Is it just me or does knowing that Winnie Cooper thought Kevin Arnold was like her little brother make that kiss they had in the classic first episode even hotter?” – What Would You Do If I Denied You the Pill, Would You Stand Up and Walk Out on Me?

"Though your comments were very hurtful and have only increased the number of visits I have to make to my therapist this month, I at least have hard evidence that you are all actually under my thumb. I mean, who in their right mind would continue to comment on a blog that has been stagnant for almost a whole week other than people so obsessed with the person behind the curtain. You guys even continued to talk about me on your on blogs and made comments about me on other blogs. Face facts people, I am in your mind, I am in your heart, and I am in your soul. You're all fucked up on some MPH and got all skittery when the supply was downsized last week. I own you." – My Powerful Heroin

"Welcome to Heightened Thoughts, the only blog in existence where the readers will have more issues with your obsession with Jennifer Garner than the fact that you stated dying children should not be granted wishes." – Suicidal Strippers Drinking Rum

"That's right, yesterday people gathered in 125 different cities across the United States to honor the homeless who died in the past year - along the way these mourners collectively ignored 5,000 living homeless people who were either begging or dancing or begging while dancing for money." – Have You Thought About a Dead Homeless Person Lately?

"Do you want to know the greatest benefit of becoming both extremely devout and conservative? The whores. Illegal love is at its best when your views are extremely narrowed." – I Heart George W. Bush

"Cell phones and keys people. Cell phone and keys. God All Mighty when will the insanity end." – I Fought the Law

"People automatically think because you're bigger than the guy you're beating up that you should be thrown in 'rape me in the ass prison.' Never mind the fact that the guy you were knocking around just tried to shoot you three time - you're fucking 7'0" feet tall, you can take a bullet. Look at what your big fists are doing to that tiny man's tiny face." – It Begins Here

"I saw an ad for a new lid for Kraft mayonaise that is bigger and clips shut. My first thought: now sickos have more room to get their cocks in there." – Linear Thought?

"By cuss words, I mean: fuck, motherfuck, motherfucker, fucking fuck, fuck a dog, shit, shit head, shit bag bitch, bitch ass, bitch ass motherfucker, damn, damn bitch ass, damn bitch ass motherfucker, bastard, bastard covered bastard, ass, asshole, ass munch, ass hat, ass monger, cock, cocksucker, cocksucking motherfucker, hell, hell fuck no, hell fuck yeah, and cunt (which up until today has never been used)." – This I Swear

"When I was a very tall young lad I always dreamed that when I died a black man in a cowboy hat would serenade me while scantily clad women cavort about. There would be burgers on trees and women carrying buckets of ranch dressing without the hint of pornorific irony. The only thing that was missing was monkeys in three piece suits waltzing." – Happiness is Chicken and Ranch Dressing On a Bun

"Dear concerned classmates of Jodi. Hell fuck yeah I am obscene, morally corrupt, and offensive in all manners. If I wasn’t then that only means that have been sodomized by a happiness fairy and infected with its gooey pleasant thoughts and rainbow colored niceties. And if that has occurred I have directives out the ass to have me put down in a harsh and cruel manner." - Subject Number A18TTX

"I am impressed by this story for two reasons. One, the teacher made the girl don rubber gloves and scoop her own vomit out of a toilet bowl. And two, that the girl barfed that big of a wet biscuit to clog the toilet. I mean that had to be one impressive piece of ralphing. I am disappointed that the teacher got angry over this impressive display by the girl. I would've given her a gold star and took a picture of her work for posterity." - Take Off Your Shirts! It's Double Post Friday!

"I don't give a flying fuck what you say or think, but I am more influential than a person that survived that god damn tsunami. How in shit's name could someone who was smart enough to move to higher ground when that wall of water came charging inland be deemed influential." - A Reason to Hate Rolling Stone and Time . . . Finally

Then a miracle happened, hard hitting journalists started talking about these nifty things called blogs during the Democratic National Convention and how they were both "da bomb" and "da shit" all at once. Suddenly, MPH realized that there were probably people ret[word censored by the Love & Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] enough to actually read what he had to say and possibly even worship him for it. However, being one to never conform to the latest trend, MPH immediately got set up his own blog which he decided to call "Heightened Thoughts." - Either You're New or Too Stupid to Remember: The Blog Lovingly Referred to As "Heightened Thoughts", Looking Back With Anger.

I once had a dream that KISS were turned into robots and ran roughshod over Indianapolis. I was the hero in the piece, but when I awoke I got to think that if I could make that happen I would use the robot KISS to help me take over the world. - No More Monkey Business

"MPH: You're pretty old aren't you?

Ben 16: I am 78 years of age.

MPH: So it would be smart to use you as JP II's replacement on my Dead Pool.

Ben 16: Uh . . .

MPH: Did you know if Ernest Borgnine drowns in his hot tub I get a toaster?

Ben 16: Uh . . ." - Questioning Faith

"The business of being me and the depression, you, my lovely readers, have caused because you can't seem to appreciate Mark fucking Harmon the way I do means that you'll only be getting shit instead of jack shit at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" today." - Headliners?

"Lee Marvin could live like a king in this crawlspace and he might be our only hope against the ninjas once they turned on my afroed, El Camino driving ass." - From a Different Angle

"This call to stop young girls from dry humping each other in public is so akin to the terrorist acts of the Taliban that I honestly want to take my rifle out and gun down those legislators before they start thinking about flying a plane into Texas Stadium." - You Can Dance If You Want Too

"They also cautioned that everyone needed to stay about from the hippos - because they are nothing but whores and are teeming with all kinds of diseases." - We Got Sex and STD's Up in This Piece Tonight!

"However, not even the musical genius behind "Tired of Being Alone" could do shit for me - that's when I turned to opiates. Not just any opiate either, according to my dealer when I took the stuff I was to experience a feeling akin to a 'Muppet rubbing my scrotum.'" - Bring the Pain

"I have come to the conclusion that this blog causes non-English speaking Asians to have seizures. It is the only way I can explain how time and time again I have people that have blogs where not one lick of English is typed spending up to twenty minutes at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." - More Money, Less Problems

"The apparent deletion of Ask Blog Jesus and Heightened Thoughts did get me thinking though. First, I wondered who was going to take Patricia Heaton's role as TV's hottest mom now that "Everybody Loves Raymond" was no longer producing new episodes. Next, I wondered how hard it would be to learn sky writing. Then I thought about whether I should get my hair cut like Mark Harmon's. Finally, I realized that you people need me more than I need you." - Appreciate What You Got

"Ladies and gentlemen allow me to introduce you to the Emerson, New York police, home of the only police officers ever to have never seen porn." - It's Memorial Day Weekend - No One is Going to Read This Crap

Okay, so that's the best of what I had to say up through May. I wanted to go on, but I realized that post was already going to be long as fuck and I can use the last two months as fodder for a post next week. Tomorrow my hope is to write something that will offend even the most cynical of you. You may be done reading this by the time I get around to posting that.

- MPH

The Best Comment Ever - Year One Edition

2005-07-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

That's right bitches - I am not just going to mindlessly "honor" you, my lovely readers, by listing my favorite comments since the last time I decided to mail a post in . . . I am saving that shit for next week. Today, I have actually taken the time to select my ten favorite comments since the inception of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." We'll be going in descending order and the winner of best comment may or may not get a fresh new Russian whore at his or her doorstep in the next 90 days.

All right, I have taken up too much of "your time" with my lameness, it's time to have an orgy of your lameness:

Number 10:

"I knew that comment was going to be trouble when I read it yesterday.

In the future, Larry, please do not feed the bear." - Pops

Number 9:

"I have no opinion on Winnie Cooper whatsoever. I was a smoking hot woman of some years older than MPH, so I didn't lust after pre-pubescent girls with stupid fucking names on a show where Daniel Stern voice-overed me to death. I was busy sleeping with perfect strangers and/or getting married because I had nothing better to do on that day. Perhaps Winnie Cooper could have saved my soul. It's hard to say." - SJ

Number 8:

"It is art...it is beautiful...the way you go on and on about absolutely nothing. You inspire me so much that I'm going to post some poetry. Have people believe that the words are "symbols" for things...you and I know the truth...it will be about nothing." - G.D.

Number 7:

"Now let's all think about this. 'I am not one of those fanboys that obsess over an actress."Followed by this: "I am a huge Buffy the Vampire fan, I proudly watched 122 episodes in a two month span and I even have Buffy shot glass.'

The subsequent protestations notwithstanding, I think you have your work cut out for you at your next therapy session. Or maybe we just have different definitions of 'obsession'.” - Pops

Number 6:

“I wonder what kind of new sexual art The Affleck is inflicting on The Garner?” - Steph

Number 5:

"Sometimes it's really really hard to tell if you're all fucked up on mescaline when you're writing your posts and then there are days like today." - Pops

Number 4:

"Unlike Alex, I always have plenty of snarky things to say. Like, wow, that was great. 100x better than the 100th post. Can't wait for the 300th post. That's going to be so awesome!

And Brent, you'd only have those kind of expectations because you haven't been exposed to the MPH as long as me. I'm MPH-balanced." - Steph

Number 3:

"Damn. The posts on the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" are sure as hell funnier when you've had 4 glasses of wine and had to back space over the D in the word wine five times because there is no D in the word wine, but shit, I'm drinking the stuff, so I should know.

And Holly, welcome to our fun world of blog acquaintances. You must mock MPH at every turn. Oh sure, we all started out telling him he was funny and how we loved to read his posts. But now we just show up each and every day to make his hell on earth a little bit hellier.

(Props to me for inventing the word 'hellier.')" - SJ

Number 2:

“Well, let's put it this way...

If "retarded" is Hitler, "crippled" is Pol Pot. Still horrific.

Margot Approved:

Differently abled

Disabled (use sparingly)” – Margot

Number One:

“First, before I start, remember you came to my blog first and invited me to check your blog out. Now that that is over with, as a christian I find your posts about religion offensive and uneducated. Why on earth would I be interested in reading this kind of offensive dribble. I only exchange ideas with people that are willing to debate facts and listen to reason, not people who intentionally make fun of Christians and their beliefs. That being said, I'd appreciate it if you would refrain form commenting on my site untill you are willing to discuss facts, and issues on their merits.” - Jim

___________________________

For those of you that might be disappointed in not making the list or the fact that Pops, SJ, and Steph dominated the list, I have a few of things to say to you:

Seek help. You're depressed over not being listed in a clearly delusional person's top ten favorite year one comment list.

Be funnier. I would've loved to dump some of Pops' comments, but I couldn't find anything better.

You should have gotten on the train that is the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" earlier. Those dumbasses did and look where there are now.

Finally, congratulations to Jim. I don't think he intended to do this, but he really set the tone for this blog with that comment. I owe him a lot.

It's all about me tomorrow and I promise to go out of my way to offend you on Friday.

- MPH

The Last Post About Jennifer Garner . . . Before "Heightened Thoughts" Goes All Year Two and Stuff

2005-07-26T17:51:00.000-05:00

Even God wants in on the celebration surrounding the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" first year of existence. Otherwise there is no logical way to explain why a story about Jennifer Garner popped up a day after the celebration of the countdown to the celebration of "Heightened Thoughts" Year One began in earnest.

Of course, we all know that God is cruel and therefore whatever he pisses your way will inevitably be followed my massive ass spewage soon thereafter. So while I got myself a Jennifer Garner story to talk about today, it unfortunately revolves around how her pregnancy is going to ruin what is likely to be the finally season of "Alias."

According to ABC execs and "Alias" showrunners, the Affleck seed that has been implanted in the lovely, but misguided, Ms. Garner (it will be one cold day in hell before I call her Mrs. Affleck and not have "cold day in hell" preceding it) will be written into the show. That means Sydney Bristow will be plenty preggers and a much less ass kicky for part of next season. According to reports the baby will be Agent Vaughn's (or whatever they are calling him given what occurred in the last few seconds of last season's finale).

The pregnancy plot was not discussed in detail, but I am going to hazard a couple of guesses. For those in the know, at the end of last season Vaughn revealed to Sydney that he had been lying to her since they had met. He wasn't really Michael Vaughn. His real name . . . oops big ass truck just knocked the shit out them.

Now, assuming that the two stars of the show survive this crash, I don't think Sydney would want to go and be having the baby of some guy that has been lying to her for several years. This means that her legs would be shut to him - and not just because she might be in a full body cast. Here's how I figure she gets pregnant on the show:

While Vaughn is confessing his secrets to Sydney he becomes aroused because, for one, a big burden is being lifted on his shoulders, and two, one of the things he is going to tell her will mandate that she jump his bones. The truck crashes into them, launching him toward her. As they are flailing about screaming to Jesus about wanting to live, Vaughn lands on top of Sydney, who's all spread eagle and shit and his aroused self shoots right through his pants and her clothing and goes right up in her . . .

At this point I am sure some of you are thinking of leaving. I suggest you stay, it gets better.

Anyway, where was I . . . oh yes . . . right up in her. Well, at the same time this is occurring, the left front tire is being pushed toward the two, ultimately wedging Vaughn's left testicle up against Sydney's taint. Knowing that it is about to die a horrible death between a tire and Sydney's vagina and ass, the left testicle musters the will to shoot off one more load to keep the whatever "Vaughn's" family name really is alive. So the load is shot and thankfully Sydney is at her most fertile. Their DNA start dancing and next thing you know there's a bun in the oven.

God damn, why am I not in Hollywood writing for this show. That, my loyal readers, was G-O-L-D.

My only hope is that after Sydney squeezes the kid out it goes the way of Ross' and Rachel's little girl, Emma aka the most neglected baby on prime time TV, and only shows up like a couple more times and is rarely referenced after that. The whole pregnancy thing is going to suck anyway . . . not that it will stop me from watching the show.

Just think kids, I have only just begun to bust a move.

- MPH

Let It Begin

2005-07-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

Saturday, July 30, 2005 - learn it, live it, love it.

Not only does the above mentioned date mark the anniversary of the creation of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts," but it will also mark the 100th day that Blog Jesus answers your questions. That's right, good ole' MPH is going to give you some Saturday love this week.

It should also be noted that Saturday's "Heightened Thoughts" post will mark the 294th that I have wasted my life and yours with this damn thing. This of course means that I will spend the first week of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" existence throwing filler posts at you before my 300th post hits you where it hurts.

Over the past few weeks I seriously considered doubling my efforts to have my one year anniversary coincide with my 300th post and my 100th day answering questions on "Ask Blog Jesus," but then I realized no one, even you, my lovely readers, are worth that much effort. Please consider that the first of many backhanded compliments that I will be presenting you over the course of the next two weeks.

As I write this, I am still trying to map out everything that I want to do over the next several days. Though this may come as a surprise, it takes a lot of effort to create filler posts. All the regular shit that I normally do during these "really, really, really important events" will be making an appearance, but I have some twists and turns in store.

And speaking of twists and turns, I will be making announcement in my 300th post that will change the face of the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts."

Now that your asses are puckered with excitement, I will make my leave for today. Tomorrow, I bring the pain.

- MPH

It's Bad News For Moviegoers

2005-07-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

I must say, sometimes I impress the fucking shit out of myself. It has been a rather politically charged week, with the Rove shit, the Roberts shit, the London shit - again, and I have found the time to pretty much completely ignore each and every one of these topics in favor of talking about Jude Law's mouth, Sarah Michelle Gellar's tits, some lacrosse players' feet, and African vaginas. I fucking rule.

I should spend some time on this Friday to bring you my thoughts on the topics I chose to ignore this week, but fuck that, I would rather bitch about the "Bad News Bears" remake.

One of my favorite lines in all of cinema is:

"All we got on this team is a bunch of Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eating moron!"

In fact, the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" owes a lot to the kids in yellow and white uniforms sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds. They said whatever was on their mind, did whatever they wanted, and made a mockery out of civility while also absorbing the drunken philosophy of a pool cleaner. That's pretty much the story of MPH. I first learned of the "Bad News Bears" through their second film "Bad News Bears: Breaking Training" (hence my affinity for the chant "Let Them Play!). That film was played more regularly than the first back in the day. It was not until I was like nine or ten that I actually saw an edited version of the original. It took another couple of years for me to see the unedited version, which I instantly fell in love with, thus ending my brief affair with the works of Steven Seagal.

I have now seen the original several dozen times and I try to make a point to watch it around the time the MLB is starting their playoffs each year. I laugh every time I watch it. It is perhaps the only time I have ever enjoyed watching children do anything (or than producing my meth). Now Hollywood has taken measures to stomp that one little bit of joy out of my life by producing a new, cleaner version of the flick for a new audience. Although I blog, I have a low tolerance for unnecessary things - making a new version of the "Bad News Bears" is a completely unncessary thing. For fuck's sake, kids aren't getting to see real movies anymore that often, leave the good stuff from the 1960's and 1970's alone.

According to "Entertainment Weekly" the new version had to take things down a notch in order to be made. My favorite line got cut really early in the process, which essentially meant that this movie was ballless from the outset. What hurts me most of all about this flick is the talent behind it. I am a huge fan of Richard Linklater's films and I could not believe he signed on for this remake. I am not as big of a fan of Billy Bob Thorton, but he's made good stuff and again, this remake seemed beyond him. I think Greg Kinnear might be a bit of a douche bag - a somewhat funny douche bag - but a douche bag nonetheless. I am not surprised he signed on for this film. That being said, there's a chance that this film won't be half bad. Sure a lot of talent has gotten behind turds before, but I feel this could be different.

Despite my loathing the film, I do want it to have a good weekend at the box office just because it is up against Michael "me no like a nekkid Scarlett Johansson" Bay's "The Island." Any time something can take a bite out of his ass I am happy.

I also need to save some hate for that fucking "Dukes of Hazzard" abomination. I am going to burn down the houses of people that go see that thing.

- MPH

Saving Up for College

2005-07-21T12:16:00.000-05:00

I love it when people prostitute education.

Take, for instance, this story, a Ugandan lawmaker wants the Ugandan government to put out some cash to encourage teenage girls not to put out while in high school. If the girls successfully keep their legs shut for four years, this lawmaker wants the government to pay their university fees.

The lawmaker, Sulayiman Madaada (who may be male or female, I am not sure, so I will be calling Kamala for the rest of this post) is making this proposal to help stem the tide of AIDS which is still running rampant throughout Africa despite Snoop Dog's and Keith Urban's best efforts to make all of "aware" of the problem at Live 8. And while the reasoning is oh so right, I think Kamala lifted message from a certain political party in the United States:

"We want to encourage people to be morally upright and not to go into early marriages. We also want girls to resist defilement. We do not want these girls to get exposed to AIDS."

Other than the last sentence about not wanting these girls getting the AIDS, what Kamala said was akin (a word that originated in Africa by the way) to what would come out of the mouth of Dubya, Bill Frist, Tom DeLay and so on and so on. I am not saying that liberals and their ilk like Hils and Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama endorses the defilement of young girls, but I will say that I remember seeing signs that said "Get the Ass While It's Hot" at the Democratic Convention.

According to Kamala plan, participating young women will be required to under a gynecological exam when they graduate from high school that they "got none" while getting their education on. If they remain tight lipped throughout the entire exam, their college will be paid for.

This measure is full of good intentions, but it has one fatal flaw. It will be releasing a crop of virgins onto a college campus. The spider-sense of all men on campus, including the incoming freshmen boys, who have been fucking anything that moved since there was no profit in them abstaining, will be going off the chart. By at least three frat parties in the first week, the number of virigins will dwindle tremendously and that whole AIDS problem creeps back up again. That's one vicious circle.

I am surprised that an American politician has not proposed a similar idea. If politicians are deluded enough to think that putting an "adults only" sticker on a videogame will stop kids from playing it, they are probably deluded enough to think there is a high school girl left in these fifty states that hasn't put out in the back of the quarterback's newly pimped ride.

- MPH

Flipping Out

2005-07-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

I believe that the White House should have a sign on its entrance that says "Leave Your Controversy At the Door." Day in and day out the ongoings at Dubya's house bludgeon the great people of the United States of America with morale lowering shenanigans. It has gotten to the point where a group of athletes can't even visit the damn place without being caught in the shit storm.

The Northwestern University women's lacrosse team learned all to well this week that getting your picture with the Prez is essentially like getting a double dose of the booger touch. Some of the women decided to dress classy, but casual and wore flip flops (or as rational human beings call them "cheap sandals") to the White House. Four of these women happened to be in the front row of a picture with Dubya. An older brother of one of the women for some reason that I am sure is disturbing decided to look at the women's feet in the front row and had a cow over the fact that she and other chose to wear flip flops to the White House.

Soon enough other team members families were expressing their dismay over the alleged fashion faux pas. One mother went so far to say that the women's choice "mortified" her. Then for some reason the story became national news and the girls were being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the "Today Show." During the interview, the women essentially told all the naysayers to fuck off. They said they were wearing a dressier version of the sandal. One of the women said:

"I tried to think of something that would go well with my outfit and at the same time not be that uncomfortable. But at the same time not disrespect the White House."

I saw some person on the street interviews about the "controversy" and most of the people said they would not wear flip flops to the White House. However, it should be noted that most of the people that had time to talk on camera looked and dressed like morons.

I have absolutely no problem with these chicks decided to wear comfortable footwear to the White House. This is America and damn it the Constitution says we have the right to bare our feet. It was not like the four women wore shirts that said "Eat Babies and Fuck Your Mother." I doubt Dubya even noticed the flip flops and if even if he did, odds are he was thinking that it would be great if he could wear them all the time.

I just thank God that Dubya had the good sense to rush the announcement of John Roberts as his nominee for the Supreme Court in order to stem the tide of this major issue. The dude already has Rove's fat ass weighing him down, he did not need another thing busting up his back.

Now all we need to do is find out who leaked that photo the press and we can put this fucking shit behind us. Where's Robert Novak?

- MPH

Tuesday Post of Nude

2005-07-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

I had this wonderful post all planned out for today. It was going to be intriguing and provocative and witty and . . . you get the picture. However, that intellectually stimulating post was derailed when I came across this headline:

"GELLAR DESPERATE FOR TOPLESS ROLE"

I obviously had no choice but to ditch my in depth commentary on whatever shit I was thinking about before seeing this headline and to provide you, my lovely readers, in depth commentary on the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar is clamoring for a topless scene in her next film.

Ms. Gellar has a perfectly rational reason for wanting to let her twins out on screen, "I am approaching 30 and I need a change . . . . The sort of roles I would like are not being offered, so this way might just shock people into choosing me."

She has actually found a way to shock me into seeing a film featuring her, a feat that hasn't occurred since "Scream 2." You may be surprised that given my love for all things "Buffy" I have not followed Ms. Gellar into the world of film. Well, I would have followed her if she had actually made a watchable movie or if she got nekkid. Now that she is getting nekkid, I am back on her trail.

Gellar's announcement follows a report that Scarlett Johansson wanted to go nude for a love scene in her latest flick "The Island" because the bra she was supposed to wear was "cheap." The director of the film, Michael Bay, persuaded the nubile star of "Lost in Translation" to wear the bra because they were making a PG-13 film. If you didn't already hate Mr. Bay for making "Armeggedon" and "Pearl Harbor," I can't see how you cannot hate him now. He obviously is forgetting that an action flick like "The Island" is geared toward young males and while young males appreciate shit being blown up, they also appreciate shit being blown up around a naked female with a nice rack.

I realize that my female readers may not be liking this post right now. But fret not ladies, I have plenty of male nudity to discuss as well. Okay, actually I don't and I probably never will. As an act of contrition, I am sure that Pops will be willing to do shameful sit ups in public, just like those porn loving folks from India, for having read this post about young, naked women.

- MPH

Don't Speak

2005-07-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

The phrase "shut up" is bandied about quite a bit, but it usually falls on deaf ears. Celebrities and politicians regularly more often than not ignore each and every red flag telling them to zip it. There were several instances of this today.

Lets start who Jude Law, fine actor, butt of Chris Rock jokes, and apparently a rampant poon hound. It was reported today that Mr. Law cheated on his fiancee, the lovely Siena Miller with one of his children's nannies. Rather than deal with this matter privately, Judey, as I am sure someone has called him at least once, decided to make a public apology to the soon not to be future Mrs. Law:

"Following the reports in today's papers, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us."

If someone can explain to me why in the hell it was necessary to make a public apology, I would appreciate it. My guess is that Siena Miller was already embarassed about being cheated on. Now she has to deal with the fact that her fiancee decided everyone on God's green earth needed to know how sorry he was. I bet she is dreading what the guy will say next. I bet it will be something like:

"Honey, I am sorry that I told you that I only shit on your chest and no one else's. Again, didn't mean to hurt you."

That apology did not need to be out flailing around like his dick after boning the nanny. And speaking of the nanny, I sure she hope she was smoking hot. Despite being British, Sienna Miller is quite the hottie. In fact, I can't even fathom why anyone would be seeking to tap another ass when they got that one be their side.

Jude Law doesn't even win top prize for not being able to shut the hell up. I think that belongs to Roman Polanski. He testified today in his libel suit against "Vanity Fair" in which he claims the magazien defamed him for stating that he seduced a woman while traveling to the funeral of his wife and Charlie Manson's most famous victim Sharon Tate.

Via video, Polanski said the statement was an "abominable lie." He also mentioned that it dishonored Tate's memory and that it "that's not the way I behave." Hmmmm . . . "that's not the way I behave." That doesn't sound right, lets see . . . . "that's not the way I behave," says the man who plead guilty to having sex with a thirteen year old girl and was testifying via video because he feared extradition to the United States where prison time awaits him. Okay, that's better.

Rule number one of everything, a pedophile cannot ever assert that he has the ability to "behave" in a proper way - ever. If you are an adult and you have sex with a thirteen old girl, you lose that right. He just should have stopped at the fact that the statement dishonored Tate's memory. Her dying with a child was a very sad thing without a doubt. That would have moved a jury. Then he had to go and basically say that he would never do a vile thing. The jury has to call bullshit right then and there and do their civic duty and ignore the rest of testimony and find for the magazine.

As I mentioned before, politicians don't know when to quit. Dubya and his Republican handlers are very good at saying too much (no Rove pun intended). Rather than continuing to say that they refuse to comment on the investigation into the alleged leak in the administration, Dubya decided he needed to talk. And by talking he added to the list of contradictory statements made by the adminstration since this whole thing started.

Leaking the information to the media is no longer enough to justify termination of employment at the White House. A crime must have been committed in order to get the boot. This differs from his previous broad statement that if the leak came from administration officials, they would be fired. Confused? Yeah, me too. Thankfully Scott McClellan is here to clarify things:

"I think that the president was stating what is obvious when it comes to people who work in the administration: that if someone commits a crime, they're not going to be working any longer in this administration."

Wow. That's all I have to say. These people really think everyone else but them has shit for brains and will buy that load they just dumped on us. It was perhaps the most round about way of saying nothing at all is going to happen to anybody.

The Prez would have been better off sticking to his original statement and not "clarifying" it. We'd still be confused, but we wouldn't be pissed off and confused. But that's what he gets from listening to Jude Law.

- MPH

Another Sunday Post of Doom

2005-07-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

I was able to go a full week without discussing the robot/alien hybrid plot to take over the Earth. According to my doctors that is not progress. They think I have just been lazy about writing about it.

Well, I have done enough drinking on this fine Sunday to believe that is a good idea to bring this topic back up. I have recently learned that yet another line of defense is likely going to be taken from us. A study has predicted that more and more Chinese male elephants will be born without tusks because poachers have dwindled the gene pool. According to an Asian zoology professor whose name none of us can pronounce, there has been an increase in the number of elephants with the "tusk-free gene." Approximately two to five percent of Asian elephants have this gene, that percentage has increased to between five and ten percent in Chinese elephants.

You're probably asking yourself, "but MPH aren't there a ton of elephants in other places like zoos that can be utilized in the pending war?" My response is of course there are. But freeing an elephant from a zoo is a major pain in the ass. It was much easier for me to round up a lot of tall, blonde women to exchange with rich Chinese men for tusk heavy elephants. The women have been shipped and it appears that I am going to be getting a bunch of tuskless elephants in return.

While these elephants are still powerful and will be able to stampede a few of the RAH's, I had planned on putting lasers on their tusks so that the cat's with opposable thumbs riding those elephants could also shoot the RAH's. That plan is plain fucked now. I know what you're thinking, but you can't put a laser on the elephant's trunk. It has been tried and the meth kids smelled like burnt elephant shit for weeks upon weeks.

Frankly folks, things are getting bleaker and bleaker. It is not the point where I start suggesting that you all send my your money then off yourselves, but it is dangerously close to that point. At the very least I would start preparing for that possibility.

Make checks payable to cash.

- MPH

Parenting 101

2005-07-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

This story takes me back to my childhood.

A woman in Oklahoma recently gave birth while drunk off her ass. At the time of her daughter's birth, the woman had a blood alcohol level of .29. Her brand new daughter had a blood alcohol level of .21. According to the police, the woman, who was arrested for child neglect, split a case of beer with another person on the day that she gave birth. Actually, the other person only had ten beers - the lady was drinking for two and needed fourteen to get a good drunk on. Her exact words that person was "This damn kid is a booze whore."

The woman drank regularly throughout her pregnancy and not surprisingly, the baby has fetal alcohol syndrome and will likely be fucked for life. You all know that I am all for the unnecessary punishment of children, but even I have my limits. Sure you can give a little kid booze to shut them up and get them to go to sleep, but that shit needs to be done when they are out of the womb. I am a good enough person to at least let the kid not have to fight through a uterus to avoid getting abuse.

It is highly unlikely that this woman will ever see her child again. Since she is in Oklahoma, there's a chance that she can still end up in a good Roman Catholic home. If she had been in Mississippi that would not be the case. An adoption agency has told couples yearning for the pitter patter of shit filled kids said it does not place children with Roman Catholic couples because their religion conflicts with the agency's "Statement of Faith." Given that I said the reason for the denial is a conflict with the agency's "Statement of Faith," you shouldn't be too shocked to hear this is a Christian adoption agency and that it makes money from selling "Choose Life" license plates.

The "State of Faith" reads, in part, as follows:

"As the Savior, Jesus takes away the sins of the world . . . . Jesus is the one in whom we are called to put our hope, our only hope for forgiveness of sin and for reconciliation with God and with one another."

The couple that denied a child said that their priest did not think the Catholic religion conflicted with the statement. He was heard to utter that "if we don't get the damn kids they better not be handing them out to Jews either."

I will be the first to admit that the Catholic church is fucking scary, but I don't think being Catholic is reason enough to be an acceptable candidate to adopt a child. Although, I do know of some Catholics that really like their liquor, so maybe this agency is trying to avoid a person trying to catch a child up on all the fetal alcohol syndrome they missed while showing off puppy dog eyes to potential moms and dads.

And why would you even want to be a parent nowadays anyway? Colleges cost too much, there aren't enough jobs, and you have to spend a whole Friday night with the little shits waiting for a God damn book about that fucking Potter kid. Normally kids go to sleep in or around when prime time television starts so that parents can enjoy the comic timing of Reba McEntire. In order to keep them up to get this damn book you're going to have to load them up with sugar. As a result they are going to running around beating each other about the head with that damn book you just shelled out hard earned money for.

Worse yet, at midnight I will out on the town, probably hammered, and I am going to have to deal with little fucking kids running all around. What a fucking buzz kill. There is no doubt in my mind that I will throw one of those kids into traffic. They'll be wishing for a fucking flying broom when a big ass SUV comes bearing down on them.

Since that is the case, I better find out what Indiana's law is for being an irresponsible drunk that tries to kill children.

- MPH

This Post Will Be About the Emmy Nominations

2005-07-14T17:42:00.000-05:00

Lamest and most self explanatory title . . . ever.

The Emmy's is my favoritest of all award shows because I love me some TV. In fact, I love me some TV so much that I could discuss Emmy nominations each day until the actual award show. I won't do that to you because we all know that you can't go too long without a RAH update or more hilarious stories about kids choking themselves. Plus, little to no thought is required to talk about this shit.

Overall, the vote did a pretty good job, if you take the time to get around all the shitty picks.

First, allow me to commend the voters for finally getting around to nominating "Scrubs" in the best comedy series category. Big ups for also recognizing Zach Braff. The fact that "Scrubs" is getting its first real Emmy nominations (I think they have had some for guest stars and writing) is damn criminal. It is the second funniest show on television right now ("Arrested Development" a fellow nominee has the top spot). However, it is not as funny as the first few minutes of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Hearing about the people getting new home's tragic lives is a fucking knee slapper - to the extreme.

I am also glad that Hugh Laurie got nominated best lead actor in a drama for his role as the greatest asshole currently on TV, Gregory House. Asshole characters have a history of being snubbed by the voters because . . . well they ain't nice. But I know from experience how hard it is to be a prick and I think it must as difficult to play one on TV. I doubt Laurie will win the award because Ian cocksucking McShane has also been nominated ("Deadwood" fans know cocksucking is a term of endearment). Any man that gives speeches while getting blown and makes talking to Indian heads deserves some gold.

You people don't come here to read about me praising people. You, my lovely readers, are all about the bitching. And I have some bitches about several of the nominations. First off, I refuse to consider "Desperate Housewives" a comedy. It has funny moment, but the main plot line was about a woman killing herself because she killed the real mother of her stolen son. I find that funny, but general public wise - no laughter. It's a drama with laughs and it should have been nominated in that category. It could take the place of either "The West Wing" or "Six Feet Under." Both shows have sucked for years now and are only getting nominated because they were good at one time and Emmy voters are too lazy to put something new, but not so hot, in. Otherwise we would be looking at "The Wire," "Rescue Me," or "Veronica Mars" in there.

"Will & Grace" also shouldn't have had as many nominations either. I believe the show as on on the verge of getting cancelled this spring and was only brought back because NBC sucks ass. I can see why they were nominated though, there just isn't that many comedies ready to take its place. Next year hopefully "Entourage" boots it. Piven's performance was great in the first year, but I didn't think the show as stupendous. This Piven still rocks and the show is ten times better than last year. That means neither will probably be nominated.

A lot of shows got screwed. Both "Rescue Me" and "The Wire" got writing nominations, which are well deserved, but both shows are chock full of acting talent. Dennis Leary definitely should have been up for best actor at the very least. Also, where the fuck was the love for the supporting cast on "Scrubs" and "24"? Both deserved to take up some space. In all honesty, "Lost" deserved more acting nominations, but that will likely happen in years to come.

The worst snub though, the voters completely ignoring my televised Christmas special. I spent a lot of money on those reindeer and that big ass meat grinder and I deserve accolades for that much of my effort alone. Fuckers.

- MPH

Air, The New Anti-Drug

2005-07-13T18:27:00.000-05:00

Well, my pissed-offedness continued well into today thanks to the horrible news that my latest obession, Amy Acker (pictured to the right) was no longer going to be on the new show "The Unit."

You may recall that I had previously stated that I said "The Unit" was going to be the best show of next season. Now I want the set to burn and for a herpes outbreak to befall the show runners. That being said, I still will be watching the show - the cast, which includes the always cool Dennis "President Palmer" Haysbert and Regina "She'll always be the kid from "227" and nothing more to me" King, is still excellent, even without that pretty little thing to the right.

I was still pissed off and there didn't appear to be a damn thing to stop it . . . so I thought. One story today pretty much got me so happy that rainbows and puppies were bursting out of my ass and heading straight for under privileged children in need of love.

And that one story was chock full of kids dying in a completely unnecessary fashion.

Let me tell you, nothing, and I mean nothing, can get you out of the doldrums of being pissed off than reading about kids dying while playing a game that requires them to choke each other out.

What a fucking marvelous story. According to news reports a ten year boy from Idaho died recently while playing a choking game in which you cut off the oxygen supply to the brain to achieve a natural high. Dying from this game is apparently all the rage in the Spud State. Earlier this year a thirteen year old girl died while hanging herself in a closet in order to obtain this high.

This choking game goes by several different names: the pass-out game, the fainting game, the tingling game, or the something dreaming game. My personal favorite, next to the tingling game is a name not listed in news reports - the weeded out the truly and utterly fucking re-[censored by the newly annointed With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded As Well As Other Patently Offensive Shit] game.

Haven't these kids heard of spinning around a whole lot or masturbating? I recall both creating a pretty decent natural high. I do not believe you can die from either of these two things unless you do them in the back of a pick up truck. According to some expert who I am too lazy to name, kids today think the buzz they get by choking the life out of themselves is a "safe buzz" as opposed to the "unsafe" buzzes provided by sweet, sweet alcohol and drugs like black tar heroin.

Like I said above, this story amuses the shit out of me. For one, children, a scourge worse than any RAH are being snuffed out. For two, anything that weeds out the freaks that are not me from the gene pool tickles me. For three, I don't really have another reason, but only going "for one" and "for two" just doesn't seem right.

I encourage that all the parents reading this post talk to their kids about this game. Make sure they are doing it right when they play. If that requires teaching the kids by example, find a senile elderly person to try it out on. We all our kids to be the best.

- MPH

Honked Off

2005-07-12T19:03:00.000-05:00

You, my lovely readers all know that I am an extremely postive person. I literally rape people with good vibes and fun times. Well today I am just way too pissed off to spread my unique brand of splendor.

My pissed-offedness started in a rather odd fashion. First thing this morning I was approached by a person who asked whether I knew any Jewish people. After a moment of thought, I realized that I did not know any Jewish people. That pissed me off. I then realized that the reason that I did not know any Jewish people had to be part of a grand Jewish conspiracy to keep Jewish people away from me. That really pissed me off. I am not sure why the Jewish community has centered one of their grand conspiracies around me, but I have to believe it is RAH related. Not knowing also pissed me off, as did connecting it to RAH.

My day was already swirling down the shitter when I learned that I would be traveling today for work. That pissed me off. While driving, Hurricane Dennis decided to attack Indiana. The periodic downpours required me to drive the speed limit and occasionally even go below that. That fucking pissed me off. The rain cleared, but the people driving around me must have thought that it was coming back because they increasing drove slower and slower. This again required that I drive the speed limit or below. God fucking damn that pissed me off.

At one point during my forced slow driving some young chick started tailgaiting me. Once the dumbass in front of me moved to another lane, I took the opportunity to cuss him out while I sped by him. The chick behind me followed suit, at least by speeding by, and continued to ride my ass. I bregrudgingly changed lanes and got behind slower drivers so that she could pass and this bitch just followed me into the lane! Fucking fuck, I was fucking massively fucking pissed off. After I brake checked her three times and almost got into a car accident, she changed lanes again and sped past me. She took the time to flip me off. I was to busy cussing the driver that she cut off which had blocked me in behind other slow drivers to properly threaten her life.

While driving at a snail's pace, the Killer's new single played on my XM Radio. I have no clue what the song is called, but I know it includes the line "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier." What the fuck does that mean? Trying to wrap my head around shit pissed me off. I makes me want to rip out the lead singer's uterus. Worse yet, I have like 500 channels and I could not find a better fucking song. Spending money on a system that occasionally can't provide a song better than a highly overrated pop act pisses me off.

The last few hours of my working afternoon actually went pretty well. However, I was too busy stewing over everything mentioned above.

I thought heading home would be the release I needed. I decided to stop at a sandwich shop and grab an extremely late lunch. I ordered a sandwich and nothing else. The lady at the counter, who was at least in her late twenties, asked if I wanted some soup or a drink and I said no. She simply said "typical man." I stared down at her and noticed that this lady's name tag had rainbow stickers and stars where the "I's" in her name should be . . . and it was written in purple marker. I wanted to say something in response, but I couldn't. I just could not believe that even a desperate man would have anything to do with this woman. I also didn't want spit in my sandwich. Not being able to be cruel to another human being pissed me off.

Worse off, Dubya gave a vote of confidence to each and every person that pissed me off today. So I am just going to go shoot myself.

- MPH

Red Rover, Red Rover . . .

2005-07-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

I rarely find anything shocking. My pessimism has essentially blunted my ability to be surprised about the actions of others. That being said, I was able to shock myself not more than a few minutes ago. I mean, I literally am sitting in a load of my own shit over what I just discovered. The blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" has only dedicated one post to Karl Rove and has only mentioned him in two posts beyond that. Compare that to the number of times I have discussed, oh I don't know, Jennifer Garner or that fact the Lee Marvin is still alive and I guess you could say this kid might not have is priorities straight.

Feel free to go change your own panties. I will wait for you.

Circumstances have demanded that Karl Rove's be invoked once again. As I am certain you all know by now, Karl Rove has been named as a source in Matthew Cooper's story about Joe Wilson, a former U.S. Ambassador critic of Dubya's policy on Iraq in which he outs a covert CIA agent . . . who happens to be Wilson's wife.

Because I want to take up space and go into more detail - I will. In a "New York Times" opinion piece, Wilson alleged that the Bush administration manipulated intelligence on wmd's to justify the invasion of Iraq. Several days later, Cooper, who was working on a story about the piece, spoke with Rove and several days after that Cooper's story appeared. In it Cooper, citing confidential White House sources, disclosed Valerie Plame's name - increasing her chances of getting killed really dead by tenfold. Wilson claims his wife's name was leaked in retaliation for calling Dubya out.

At the time, the Prez steadfastly claimed that if anyone in the White House leaked Plames name, that person would be fired. For the past two years, the administration has denied that Rove had any involvement in the matter. Scott McClellan (who I have mentioned several times) even called the idea "ridiculous." He that it was so ridiculous in fact that he said the word just as Balki Bartocamoose would have. Last year, Rove himself said that he did not know her name and did not leak her name.

Technically, Rove is telling the truth. According to one of Cooper's emails all Rove did was describe Wilson's wife as someone who "apparently works" at the CIA. Rove also told Cooper that Plame [referred to by Rove as Wilson's wife] authorized a trip by Wilson to Africa for the purpose of investigating reports that Iraq had tried to obtain yellowcake uranium for use in nuclear weapons. Wilson's investigation, in his opinion, cast serious doubts on Dubya's allegation that Iraq had tried to get some of that deadly, deadly cake. Based upon the knowledge that he acquired, Wilson decided to publicly lambast the Prez and the rest is history.

Now, did you see a name there? Other than Wilson and some vague reference to a possible wife - no. So Rove is completely in the clear. He in no way pointed Cooper in the direction of Plame's name at all. Nope, no way, nada. And do you know how fucking hard it is to find out who another person is married to? It is more difficult than finding the Ark of the Covenant, let me tell you. The fact they are investigating this drivel is comical. Comical I say.

Rove's lawyer, Robert Luskin, tends to agree with the bullshit I just spewed. He noted that Rove did not disclose Plame's name, while also refusing to find out how the lady he did not name worked for the CIA or how he figured out this lady authorized Wilson's trip. According to Luskin, what Rove was trying to do was reign in false rumors that VP Roboto authorized Wilson's trip and that Wilson reported back to him. Now, in order to reign in such false rumors you have to at least sort of name the person that authorized name and the spy agency that she works for. It is just how it is done.

The Prez and his cronies are now finding themselves in a tight spot and are being tight lipped. After years of commenting on the investigation, McClellan has clammed up and in his press conferences today pretty much continually blabber on and on about how the administration could not talk about an ongoing investigation. My new confidential source told me that McClellan actually peed a little each time he was pressed to discuss his previous denials of any Rove involvement in the controversy.

Many people are now doubting Dubya's claim that he will fire any White House officials involved in the leak. You see, the Prez sort of owes his political career to Rove and they are close confidants. Democrats are of course calling for Rove's head. Some want him fired right now - even though the investigation is not complete - while others just don't want the loose lipped fucker near any information that pertains to national security and all that important shit. The inevitable Congressional hearing in which no one says a God damn thing is probably only weeks away.

I have already ordered a year's worth of popcorn for this week alone. The bloodletting should be fan-fucking-tastic. Of course, there will probably be a disappointing ending with Dubya and Rove standing on a bridge pissing on everything we hold near and dear as Americans, but at least a beating will be had.

What can I say, I am a liberal and appreciate small non-victories.

- MPH

Sunday Post of Doom

2005-07-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed the picture to the right. You may have noticed that the picture is of a robot. You may have figured out what this post is going to be about.

The important events that occurred at the end of this week (you know, talking about the greatest American rock band of all time, Stockdale dying, and something else . . . I can't remember what it was . . . damn) forced me to ignore my duties as America's number one source of news about the pending war with the alien/robot hybrids. As a result, I have forced myself to set aside my normal Sunday routine (practicing my sniping techniques on the local neighborhood children) and scare the shit out of you.

Let's begin with the basis for the very first picture ever on the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts." You may recall Pops comment earlier this week alerting me to the robot that threw out the first pitch at a Major League Baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and Pittsburg Pirates recently. Well, that's the little bugger above and trust me when I say that little bugger is a harbinger . . . there are bigger buggers coming sooner than I anticipated.

According to reports, the robot, which resembled a small car . . . that can successfully throw a baseball, was built by employees of a company in Pittsburgh and some vocational school students. Oh, and the project was done in conjunction with the Defense Department Joint Robotics Meeting Program. If this paragraph doesn't have red flags coming out of every orifice in your body then you obviously will be one of the first to die during the alien/robot hybrid's intial onslaught.

First off, you got a robot that can successfully fling small objects at humans. This means it is not programmed to avoid throwing things at humans due to risk of injury to their frail flesh and bone. Once Ruxpin and his minions get ahold of this prototype, if they haven't already, people are going to end up with baseballs going through their fucking heads. My second concern is that vocational students helped build this fucker. Vocational students know that their only chance to get an "A" at school is by using their ability to build shit, so they put all that effort they should be putting in algebra into building machines. What this means is that this robot isn't likely to break down quickly and they probably found a way to make it bulletproof since most vocational students are also young criminals to begin with. Finally, the federal government is involved. I really don't need to say more, but I will. Not only is the government involved, but it is holding meetings with other robot builders and sharing ideas. We all know the alien/robot hybrid robots have spies at those meetings (possibly even Cyclon-like human imposters - which is a whole other can of worms) and that they are taking very detailed notes.

I have said it before and I will say it again, we're really fucked.

However, just when you thought it was safe to take a breather, there's more fucking on other fronts to talk about. As you now know, our animal defenses were more than capable of taking on regular ass robots. However, as you also now know, they are very incapable of fighting alien/robot hybrids. The animals know this, as witnessed by the 450 sheep that decided to off themselves by running off a cliff rather than be vaporized by a laser. Despite this fear, most animals aren't pussies like the Turkish sheep are and still want to fight. I would say it is the human condition to battle against adversity, but, again, we're talking about animals and they are pretty much mindless and therefore can have a condition.

The robot/alien hyrbids are also aware that the animals will futile fight them and it would appear rather than wasting their time gunning them down, the RAH's have found other means to pick them off - like giving them the plague. In Wyoming, four cats have been diagnosed with the plague and according to health officials this might just be the "tip of the iceberg." The plague is actually endemic to fleas in the region and these fleas apparently are biting the cats or biting the rats that are then eaten by the cats and eventually turned into scats. So the plague being somewhat of a threat is nothing new in the region. However, until recently there had not been a recorded incident of a cat getting the plague for twenty years.

The cats can spread the plague to humans by biting, scratching, or coughing - all rare actions by a cat, of course, but still possible. Given that people think cats are cute and cuddly, there is potential for the plague to spread quickly. The thought of that occuring has tightened the balls of state health officials, even the ones that are females.

So far no one is saying anything about RAH's, but their connection is painfully obvious. While cats are indifferent to whether anything lives or dies for the most part, they do have interest in seeing the world taken over by animals. So, they were going to be a large contingent of the ground forces in the pending war. Now they are being picked off by a disease that killed thousands upon thousands a long time ago, before color TV's.

Sorry for fucking your Sunday all up. Okay, not really.

- MPH

Queensryche?

2005-07-08T18:05:00.000-05:00

Traditionally after I write about something serious I follow it up with complete and utter fluff. Today is no exception. Last week USA Today's pop culture columnist Whitney Matheson asked her readers to answer one of the most important questions of all time: Who is the greatest American rock band of all time?

According to Matheson, patriotic Americans deluged her with choices and this week she presented them to the public. Before I share the list with you, let me say it is these type of choices by Americans that make foreign people hate us so God damn much. So here's America's list:

1) Pear Jam
2) Aerosmith
3) Van Halen
4) The Eagles
5) Journey
6) Guns N' Roses
7) The Grateful Dead
8) Queensryche
9) The Doors
10) R.E.M.

You can already probably see where I have issues with this list, but before I get to that, let me show you Ms. Matheson's list:

1) R.E.M.
2) The Ramones
3) Guns N' Roses
4) The Grateful Dead
5) Areosmith
6) The Replacements
7) Heart
8) Guided By Voices
9) The Velvet Underground
10) Big Star

Okay it's better, but still problematic. Allow me to explain what's wrong with both lists, starting with America's.

You can make an argument for three of America's top four. Lets face facts Aerosmith sucks a tremendous amount of ass and my problems with them is well documented on some other post - have fun finding it. I love Pearl Jam, but I do not believe they are the greatest American rock band ever. They are the best American rock band currently in existence though. When discussing Van Halen you have to specify if it is Van Halen or Van Hagar. If it is the former then okay, if is the later they need to be scuttled off the list right now.

America's list really goes to shit after the top four thanks to the inclusion of Journey and Queensryche. Honestly people . . . how? Why? I demand that someone name something by Queensryche other than "Silent Lucidity." You can't so don't even try. And if you can, please go shoot yourself. I know there are many proponents of Journey, so I get why they made the list, but I also don't get it and I wish that those people would shoot themselves dead as well. I have no real beefs with the rest of the list with the exception of Guns N' Roses. I always thought they were overrated and Slash was never cool.

Ms. Matheson's list is a bit better. Again, G'NR isi way overrated here and any rock band or outfit that creates "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You" (are you listening Heart) should not be on any list with the word "greatest" in it unless the word "turd" is somewhere nearby. I am honestly not familiar enough with Guided by Voices or Big Star to comment intelligently on them. I know they have decent reputations so I am fine with them being on the list.

Of course, you realize I must retort and provide America with my own list of the greatest American rock bands of all time. Time constraints are denying me the opportunity to discuss each one, but I will address them in the comments . . . not that you really care. So fuck it, here's the list:

1) R.E.M.
2) The Beach Boys
3) The Band
4) The Ramones
5) The Pixies
6) Pearl Jam
7) The Allman Brothers
8) The Doors
9) Nirvana
10) Lynard Skynard

To be honest, I don't think any of these bands are the great American band ever. Some day I may reveal that. Right now I am too busy thinking about taking a shit or something.

- MPH
8)

London's Calling But America is Too Busy to Pick Up the Phone

2005-07-07T20:08:00.000-05:00

So I get up at 6:30 a.m. and the first thing I do is turn to CNN and find there chaos is reigning supreme. My first thought was "oh shit, we've been hit again." Then I rubbed my eyes, checked out Soledad O'Brien's rack, and noticed that the chaos was occurring in London. So my second thought was "I will be writing about this sometime tonight, will enough time have passed to be a bit humorous?" I decided I would take that thought back up after a shit and a shower.

Unfortunately, I was still distracted by the news to come to a decision and could not make a decision at that time. Business kept me in the dark about the circumstances surrounding the attack throughout most of the day, but with the help of my XM Satellite Radio I was fortunate enough to listen to coverage of the tragedy during a long drive home tonight. After listening to a few minutes of CNN's coverage, I realized that yes I could act in the same manner as usual because America's journalists certainly were.

While I was driving, "Wolf Blitzer Reports" was on CNN. I listened to Mr. Blitzer talk to American security specialist and terrorism specialists for ten minutes about American security in the wake of the tragic events. Honestly, London was barely mentioned. The utter lack of news forced me to turn to "Headline News" to find out more about the event. "Headline News" people, CNN's redheaded stepchild. And while I learned that there had not been a determination as to who was responsible and it was unknown if suicide bombers were used or not, "Headline News" felt it necessary to only give this major international event five fucking minutes of air time. Why? Well apparently Hurrican Dennis is getting stronger and Floridians had to evacuate their homes - again. God fucking forbid that this country ignore a good hurricane story - they only come around five or six times in a year's span. I mean, it's not like generations passed since London saw this sort of action on their soul or anything. I believe that if a butterfly got in the studio and flew past the anchors they would go chase it, that is how easily they could turn away from the bombing.

FYI, "Headline News" also spent time on Michael Redd re-upping with the Milwaukee Bucks, some tech report of a "cool" new website, and the fact that the last set of hurricanes that went through Florida caused people to fuck like bunnies given the amount of births in the area over the past few months.

Leave it to Fox News or more specifically Bill O'Reilly to take the cake, though. Mr. O'Reilly, who was in Ireland at the time of the attack (that's all I am saming), decided that ignoring London was not the proper thing to do. Instead, he chose to attack Europe for their weak stance of terror. He also castigated the entire continent for not being supportive of the United States, who was fighting terrorism. The whole time that I listened his "Talking Point," I was thinking, isn't Great Britain our strongest ally? Why wasn't he offering his thoughts and prayers for the people that lost their life and were injured and their respective families. Way to kick people when they're down Billy boy. Always a class act.

Basically, as the day wore on, the American media went into "it wasn't on U.S. soil so it ain't shit" mode. These journalists then went about doing what most American's do best, talking about how the events impacted America. And while this needed to be discussed, the fact that a majority of the time was spent on how America was impacted a little ridiculous. You could almost hear London yelling, "America! America! America!" then go off crying to Robert Reed. As I understood things, the greatest impact that had on our great land was that we're now in orange and there are now a lot of police officers on mass transit units. Those two things alone are worth hours of news coverage.

However, the American media cannot be totally to blame for just talking about America and giving London five minutes here and there as the day wore on. I think they were taking a cue from British Prime Minister Tony Blair who left the G8 summit, which he was hosting, to go to London and address the public then returned to the summit. When your leader doesn't feel like giving his full attention to an attack on his soil then why should the United States' media? For all the negative I have said about Dubya, once he put down that book at the elementary school on 9/11, it didn't appear that anything else was on his mind for a good long while. Blair should've taken a sick day from the summit and spent more time caring for his ailing nation. If Dubya can do that, then anyone can.

So that's what I have to say about that . . . please join me tomorrow when I rant and rave about who's the greatest American rock band of all time. That's right people, I'll be getting back to the important issues facing America in a mere twenty-four hours - you can rest easy, I'm not going Europey soft on you.

- MPH

When A Hero Falls Another Nutcase Arises

2005-07-06T14:45:00.000-05:00

"Who am I? Why am I here?" - Vice Admiral James Stockdale

Never before and never again will more appropriate words be uttered at a Vice Presidential debate. America and the world lost a great man yesterday with the passing of Vice Admiral Stockdale. He was a war hero, a philosopher, and one funny ass cracker.

His eloquent performance at the 1992 Vice Presidential debate helped form the foundations of the cynical being that is before you today. He showed everybody that a political debate was just a cock tease and that the real money was in acting like an ass in front of millions. He helped rally people to Ross Perot's cause even though no one, including Perot, had the slightest fucking idea what that cause was. He gave Phil Hartman another great character on "Saturday Night Live."

He was a truly great man and he will be sorely missed . . . especially since he may have been able to help in the pending war with the alien/robot hybrids. Lost in all his Alzheimer fueled demented rantings was the fact that he had a brillant strategic mind. I had planned to find a way to mix the two and create an complete unpredictable military juggernaut. There's no way the logical thinking alien/robot hybrids could compute what would run through Stockdale's mind. His unorthodox methods could have saved us all. Instead we'll be joining him in the ground (if we're lucky) soon enough.

However, there may be hope. There's a lady in Russia who is suing NASA over their comet mission. According to this lady, when "NASA" directed the probe into the comet and forced a collision it ruined "the natural balance of forces in the universe." She also said that the impact deformed her horoscope. She is seeking $300 million in damages for "moral sufferings."

This is the kind of crazy that we need on Team Human. Given that she is Russian, she can be easily bought with bread and socks. I will enlist another brillant military strategist, like, I don't know Roadblock from the "G.I. Joe" cartoon to meet with this chick and plan the human counter offensive.

Of course, there is no way in hell that the plan will work and we will all die. But we'll die while acting like jackasses. I can definitely go with that.

- MPH

The Truth Will Out

2005-07-05T18:16:00.000-05:00

So . . . you know how I say that I have sources which give me the inside scoop on all the important shit not related to the pending Teddy Ruxpin lead alien/robot hybrid attack on the world? Well, the government actually believes that I do have sources that give me the inside scoop and now they want me to reveal my source. While I am more than willing to talk about ass rape at length, I am unwilling to be the participant (aka recipient) of such an act. Thus, because I enjoy my ass only being a one way ass spewage avenue, I will reveal that source here today on the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts."

It's James Taylor.

That's right Sweet Baby James has told me the following things over the past few months alone:

Dubya regularly says "nigga please."
Chronic Candy really wants young'uns hooked on pot.
That some of the things I have said is "complete and utter bullshit."
Sodomy sounds like a better idea when you're plastered.
The only way to combat bird flu is to shoot any and every bird you come across.
That someone is creating a strategy to attack Iran.
Jennifer Garner is not pregnant.
That a woman who was doing a hand stand on a balcony railing wanted to die.
Prince Harry really wanted to dress up like a slave, but costs forced him to dress up like a Nazi.

You're probably wondering why James Taylor is leaking information to me. Better yet, you're probably wondering how James Taylor is getting the information that he is leaking to me. First off, I can tell you that heroin has nothing to do with it. Dude's been off the smack for a good long while. Tragically, that is about the same amount of time that he's written a listenable song. The reason he's doing this is because Dubya wanted to use "You Got a Friend" during his first presidential campaign and when Sweet Baby refused, Karl Rove threatened to stomp on his nuts repeatedly.

That doesn't go anywhere near how I got involved in this and at this time I am not at liberty to tell you that story. All can I say is that I have never looked at Jami Gertz the same way again. Damn, those ducklings didn't deserve what they got . . . .

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I have told you as much as I can about why James Taylor is doing this for me, but you still don't know how he is getting the dirt. Actually, that does have to do with his heroin addict days. You see, the man knows a lot of tough fucking thugs and these guys supply some powerful people. These powerful people get doped up in front of theses guys all the time and let me tell you smack gets the lips a flapping. So these guys, knowing how pissed Mr. Taylor was about Rove's threat, tell him all kinds of shit. After the "Gertz Fiasco" SBJ is obligated to sling the shit my way.

Although by outing him, I am pretty sure I just cut that cord. Oh well, he's fucked when the alien/robot hybrids launched their attack.

Now back to that planned attack, I have new information . . . wait a second . . . my new inside source has just text messaged me . . . oh, this is important.

My new source is telling me that I should end this post quickly before my defaming of James Talyor gets really out of hand. Oh, and Jami Gertz wants me to reveal the details of the "Gertz Fiasco" so that her morality clause will kick in and she can be booted from the simply awful "Still Standing."

After what she did she deserves that show. My lips are sealed.

- MPH

Enjoy This Fourth of July - It's Likely the Last One

2005-07-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

There is no rest for the wicked and I am as wicked as they come. Therefore, it is my duty to you, my loyal readers, with a new post on July fucking 4th. Sure no one will read this garbage until July 5th, but at least I can say I showed up and expressed by right to free speech on the day of America's independence.

Anyway, there is serious fucking shit afoot. Our independence is coming ever so closer to an end. Last night a NASA probe successfully slammed into a comet and according to NASA scientists we will now learn more about the solar system was created. Apparently, for most of the mission, someone from NASA was directing the probe to the comet. In the last two hours, the probe went on autopilot and directed itself into the comet's path. The end result was a big ass space explosion, which is second in awesomeness only to the explosion of Mr. T's ass after he eats a burrito loaded with beans.

I think you all see the problem I have with this mission.

A robot of all things was responsible for the big ass explosion. As you read above, the damn probe directed itself into the comet. NASA reps claim that they had a hand in getting to probe to the path, but we all know that is a truckload of bullshit. The probe just let NASA think it was in control. It knew all along where it was going and I believe its intentions are far more sinister then just learning the origins of the solar system.

Here's my theory . . . actually sit down for this because it will blow your mind . . . okay it just occurred to me that you're probably already sitting down . . . just stop looking at the porn in your media player to the left of your screen and fucking pay attention. The comet is obviously from outerspace. Thus, it had to be chock full of alien matter of various sorts (a virus, bacteria, maybe some fecal discharge). Per Teddy Ruxpin's orders, the probe was to collect this alien matter before slamming into the comet and send it to Earth where another robot would gather it and use it for . . . . Christ have mercy . . . .

Creating alien/robot hybrids.

Okay, so if that were not bad enough, I have more shit to throw at the fan. I don't think our natural allies, the animals, are capable of fighting alien/robot hybrids. Humans certainly are capable of doing it - we're too enamored with the fact that Kobayashi ate 37 hot dogs in twelve minutes. People that dumb can't even luck themselves into winning a battle against alien/robot hybrids.

So I suggest you enjoy this Fourth of July. Eat a lot, drink a lot, man or woman find a brunette hottie on the beach and show her the love that can only be shown when alien/robot hybrid death is nigh.

Have fun watching the fireworks.

- MPH

We Can't Play Any More, The Swing is Broken

2005-07-01T18:21:00.000-05:00

Well fuck, I had planned to review the greatest effort to save Africa since the last great effort to save Africa, Live 8, but Sandra Day O'Connor decided to go and retire. Obviously after that news the whole Live 8 review went down the shitter. Don't worry though, Luther Vandross died today so all the food he had in storage is being sent to those poor African nations. They will be eating liked kings for weeks . . . weeks I tell you.

Well, of the many things I have said that was in poor taste, that Luther Vandross thing was one of them.

It had been widely speculated by some and highly anticipated by others that the vacancy sign at the Supreme Court would be lit for the first time in eleven years after their term ended on Monday. Odds had it that Chief Justice William Rehnquist would finally stop sacking up and stop working through that nasty bout of cancer that he caught. So far he's figuratively flipping off all the vultures circling above him, stopping only to take in some oxygen through the hole in this throat.

Even Dubya was caught off by O'Connor's announcement. The shock of the announcement, however, had no impact of the massive erection he got after he realized he got to select the new justice. In fact, I am guessing he's probably happier then you can imagine over the fact that O'Connor decided to ride off into the sunset. Justice O'Connor is famous for two things with regard to her tenure on the court. First, she was the first female Supreme Court justice. Shockingly it took our government over two hundred years to get a skirt in one of those robes. As a result the spotlight shown bright on this moderate conservative, and she stepped up to the pressure by consistently being the swing votes in many decisions that helped shape modern America. That fact that her decision often swayed a ruling one way of the other is the second thing she is most famous for.

Although she was a conservative, she did not always rule in ways that conservatives would have liked. This was most evident in her votes on abortion, an issue we all know people really don't care about. No galvanization there . . . nope, not at all. Her support of keeping most abortions legal really pissed off stricter conservatives. These decisions also gained her a wide array of respect for not holding the party line, but voting on her convictions.

And now she is gone. And now Dubya gets to select her replacement. We all know where this is heading. Democrats are already warning the Prez that he needs to select someone that is of the same mold as O'Connor. Dubya said the will carefully select a nominee, and according to him that selection process will only take about a week. But worry not, it won't be one the good ole' boys:

"The nation deserves, and I will select, a Supreme Court justice that Americans can be proud of."

Okay, so it will be one of the good ole boys.

Dubya also took heed of the Democrats warnings and stated that "[t]he nation also deserves a dignified process of confirmation in the United States Senate, characterized by fair treatment, a fair hearing and a fair vote."

Okay, so it is going to be a verbal bloodbath.

My only hope is that there is something more racier than pubes on a coke can. Give me a baseball bat up the ass or donkey shows with children dressed as clowns. The days of Long Duck Dong are long gone, the internets have shown us what's out there.

Donkey shows aside, there's a lot of potential for the legal landscape of this country to change rather quickly. I suggest, as a precaution, you go find your rights and give them a real good hug. They may have to go away for awhile. Unless they pick a person that's into donkey shows, then debauchery will reign supreme and we'll be able to do whatever the fuck we want.

I know, I'm just a dreamer.

- MPH

This Post is Better Read With a Bag Over Your Head

2005-06-30T19:13:00.000-05:00

Because I care about you, my readers, I try to honor requests that are made of me. Today is no different, some of you may have noticed in the comments to the hilarious post titled "Ring-A-Ding," SJ requested that I discuss the fact Iran's president-elect spent his summers during the late 1970's taking hostages and helped invent "Nightline." It's an interesting story and definitely deserves my unique perspective. So SJ, your wish has been granted, sit back and enjoy what I have to say (actually all of you sit back and enjoy it . . . . . . . I said sit back and enjoy it!).

According to reports, some of the people taken hostage at the U.S. Embassy in Iran back in 1979 went incontinent after seeing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's picture on the front page of "The Washington Post." After cleaning their asses, various other parts of their body and some household appliances the former hostages began contacting each other to discuss how much shit just exploded from their asses. Apparently the effects of the Stockholm Syndrome have fully worn off. Dubya and the boys are looking in the allegations. Apparently they are not taking Abbas Abdi, the leader of the 1979 hostage taker seriously when he said, "hey, this brother ain't one of my boys."

Abdi's declaration is seconded by . . . . okay . . . . I can't do this anymore.

I am sorry SJ, but how in the hell do you expect me to talk about hostage takers now wielding the power of the presidency when it's been announced that Jennifer Garner and the Affleck have wed! And not only have they wed, but they decided to confirm that she's knocked up! Really, no over shit can rise above this story.

The dream is officially dead. More than dead actually. It's dead, turned into a zombie, then had its head blown off. I know that I declared Amy Acker as my new stalkee some time back, but secretly I still held out hope that Garner would come to her senses, kill the Affleck, and we could go about our daily routine of her calling the cops on me. But fuck it all, that's not going to happen.

So now officially I am declaring Amy Acker as the new object of my obsession (notice the italics - I'm fucking serious). Some of you have no fucking clue who she is and that's good. That means more for me. I will say that she has had the opportunity to work with Leonardo Dicaprio, William Shatner, and Adam West, so she has credentials out the ass. She also starred in "Angel," voiced the Huntress on "Justice League Unlimited," and is part of the ensemble on the new show "The Unit" which is slated for midseason on CBS. Yes, she is also married and has a kid, but there's no Affleck taint so it's all cool.

Actually, you know what, I have said way too much. I have no choice but to take you hostage. And once I do, I will be one step closer to my ascension to the presidency. Then I get to change this country's name to Ackerville. Fucking A.

- MPH

Ring-A-Ding

2005-06-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

I took great pleasure in taking a bit of your innocence away yesterday when I outed Tigger and Piglet (who by the way loved leather). Because I took such great pleasure in this action, I have decided to dedicate this post to the act of taking something that doesn't rightfully belong to you. Ironically, an American plays a significant role in what I am going to discuss, but he's the victim. Shocking, I know.

Lets begin in Russia, where media outlets recently made a huge deal out of something that really wasn't a huge deal. During a recent meeting Ameican business executives, Russian President Vladimir Putin got an opportunity to do what many Americans don't even have the chance to do - wear a Super Bowl ring. That wasn't the huge deal, it is what Putin did with the ring after getting his Russkie hands on it.

According to reports, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, one of the aforementioned American executives, decided to show President Putin his most recent Super Bowl ring, which was worth more than $15,000. He allowed Putin to take a look at and even put in on. However, after feeling the power than one possesses while wearing the ring, the Russian Dubya decided to pocket the ring and go home . . . okay he was already home, so like another part of the building. Definitely away from the ring's rightful owner.

Media outlets all over the globe speculated that Kraft had no intention of giving Putin the damn expense ring. They were unable to find the answers they were looking for because Kraft was unavailable for comment and because they kept asking Putin, who only speaks Russian, questions in English. Thing were getting so tense that the American Dubya was about finally settle on what type of big ass bomb he was going to use to blow Russia to hell. Unfortunately, Dubya's desire to blow something up was stymied by Kraft's admission that he gave Putin the ring as a gift.

Kraft said that while he was showing Putin the ring, he saw that the president was "clearly taken by its uniqueness" and he decided to give Putin the ring "as a symbol of the respect and admiration that I have for the Russian people" and for Putin's leadership.

All right, I call bullshit. First off, Putin was only "taken" by the ring because it was shiny and there sure ain't much shiny shit in Russia nowadays. Secondly, Putin has chess players pissed at him. Do you know how hard it is to piss off a chess player? Great leadership indeed. Obviously, Kraft had no intention of giving that ring to President Putin. He simply wanted to show it off and handed it off to the wrong Russian. Now when Putin decides to declare war on America's United States he can use the ring as a propaganda piece. I can hear him now (through a translator, I'm not that smart): "I have the pretty boy American ring. With it I will punch out capitalism!"

Still not convinced that Putin robbed Kraft, well then read this transcript of the exchange they had when the rings passed hands:

Kraft: President Putin, I would like you to try on this ring. It's my most recent one.

Putin: Something in Russian.

Kraft: No you can't keep it.

Putin: Some more Russian.

Kraft: Don't put that in your pocket.

Putin: A little more Russian.

Really, do you need any further proof . . . that I am insane. Didn't think so.

- MPH

Poohing on the Dream

2005-06-28T18:22:00.000-05:00

God is a funny little shit. After decade upon decade of debate the role homosexuals should play in society, the big man upstairs finally provides us with his response to the issue. One might expect that the response to be some long winded manifesto, but no, all the G-O-D did was off two people. Specifically, he sent the men who provided the voices of Tigger and Piglet to their graves.

Obviously you're saying "what the fuck." Allow me to explain. In my humble opinion, Tigger and Piglet were the gayest of all the gay characters in the Winnie the Pooh universe. The deaths of Paul Winchell, the voice of Tigger, and John Fiedler, the voice of Piglet, signifies the silencing of two prominent voices in the homosexual community. Obviously, you're still saying "what the fuck." But think about it people, Tigger was flamboyant as fuck and really like to pound his own ass if the opportunity was present. Piglet was a small, pink little pig. If you are still say "what the fuck" then you're obvious too re-[censored by the With Love and Squalor Coalition to Get MPH to Stop Saying Retarded] too ever get what I am saying. Tigger and Piglet were rainbowy icons who candles were snuffed out far too soon. Sure, they'll likely get new people to voice the characters, but don't be surprised if Tigger now sounds like Mr. T. and Piglet like Tim Allen.

Unfortunately, the government has not caught on to the fact that God is down with homosexuals not being treated equally. Despite claiming they would not do so, Congress has decided to allow PBS to keep $100 million in funds so that it can provide you quality infotainment like Lawrence Welk. Unwittingly, though, the government has paved the way for the greatest lesbians ever to teach us about the letter "Q", Bert and Ernie, to continue to corrupt young minds. And lets not even get into the times that Grover goes all "Super Grover" and makes a ward out of Elmo. So while the movement may be down for the moment, those butch queens that live in the dumpster next to Oscar's trash can will still be fighting. And so should everyone else.

Before you get all uppity and start beating people on the street, I suggest you go and catch a movie. Specifically, I suggest you go see "War of the Worlds" starring closeted lesbian Tom Cruise (that woman learned nothing from Bert and Ernie - nothing!) Don't fucking say that Tom Cruise's mentally imbalanced actions have turned you off that flick because that's no excuse. You're fucking reading about how it is a dark day for homosexuals because Tigger and Piglet are essentially dead. Check your own head. Cruise's dumbassedness aside, Spielberg directed the flick and it involves aliens. He's two for two with those fuckers so far. Plus you get to see the first trailer for Peter Jackson's "King Kong" on the big screen. How can you not enjoy a flick where a big ass ape wants to ride Naomi Watts and fights dinosaurs?

After getting off on that sick shit then take the streets. Declare your allegiance to Bert & Ernie and wear a black arm band for Tigger and Piglet. Sure you'll get arrested for such erratic behavior but man-love and woman-love is appreciated in prison. It will be like getting stuck in a hole repeatedly and liking it.

TTFN

- MPH